I'm Back.

The past couple of weeks have been a blur, a nightmare (of sorts), interesting, educating, and humbling.

About two months ago we repaired our leaky roof. We had water damage to the drywall in Nadia's room that we ripped out about a month ago. That night we all (hubby, me, friends staying with us) got violently ill. We were taken to the ER and told not to return to our house. The church put us up in a hotel for two days and then friends of ours let us stay with them. Our house had mold. Now while we don't think the illness we had was from the mold, it was good we got sick because we could still be in that house and not have done a thing to the mold. We called a mold remediation guy, the insurance company and our families. They came in, cleaned and left. We did a test, this was just last week and the house failed. They only cleaned Nadia's room and did basically nothing to the rest of the house. There was visible mold damage left. They didn't get it all. So we were still out of our house and running out of insurance money. The mold guys came back, ripped out the rest of the mold, cleaned more and set up the air scrubber which is still running right now. Should be until friday. The air quality is already better. Andrew has been vacuuming the snot out of the house. We have a hepa filter on our vacuum. A couple of the ladies and I are wiping down the walls on saturday and I am going to be doing laundry until the cows come home. That's ok, because with all of this, we will be back in the house Christmas Eve. YAY!!
I've learned alot about mold. Mold spores are like seeds, they won't grow unless the conditions are right. So you could have a mold spore on a surface for years and it won't do anything except sit there. Until it gets wet and moist, then it will grow. What we are doing is sucking up, or irradicating any spores that might be around. They can't burrow in anywhere, they will just land, like dust. And I learned that most houses have mold in them, all the time, just small amounts. Those amounts our bodies can handle. Large massive quantities, no. And its worse for a baby. I am so glad I'm still nursing her. I don't plan to encourage weaning until we move out of this house.
On another note, Andrew was approved for ministry with the region we were trying in. This is big, good news! We have lots of ministry opportunities now. I am so glad. That was a bright spot in this whole moldy mess.
We have been so blessed in this whole time, inspite of what's happened. People have come out of the wood work to help and care for us. We are so blessed to have great friends like this. God has taken good care of us.
So we'll be back for Christmas. What a blessing. I got two great big presents from God this year, Andrew was approved and we will be back home for Christmas. Thank you God!

Just a Chat

I thought I'd take a break from work for a while, been working all day. Kinda unfair in a way, I'm about to whine. My hubby works from 8-5 everyday, comes home, eats and then gives the babe a bath, puts her to bed and then vegges for the evening. Sometimes he does some studying or something. But me, I, get up sometimes twice in the night to care for our daughter, which I'm used to now. Then I'm going from the morning, I'm not even out of bed and I'm working (nursing) and then I go go go all day. Right now I'm trying to get some things done for the Gem. I am so tired. If I'm not working on work, then I'm working on home. If I'm not doing either of those things, I'm sewing Christmas gifts. When do I get to rest? I want some fun! That's what date night's for. Date night is really our sabbath.
Anyway. Hubby has another meeting tomorrow with another commission. This one has already approved him, but we are wondering if, in the light of all of the rumblings that have happened because of those conflict of doctrinal issues, that this commission won't recind on their previous decision. Crap. I'm a little disgusted.
I am so tired. I am so cold. I am I am I am.........


Going to close this post. It's 9:38pm, I've been working on the Gem since 6pm, with baby interspersed to put to bed. I am goint to get the house in order and then go to bed.

Good night.

Today is Halloween

And we are Halloweenies, because we don't celebrate it. Actually, we aren't anti-halloween (yes, I know what all of those mean, but) we are un-halloween. I'm sure, given time we might be anti, but for right now, since we don't know our stance on it, we are un. Mainly because here you have tons of people knocking on your door, opening up their bags for freebies and you can so slyly slip a tract in their bag. It's like the easiest witnessing ever! We've never done it, because by the time we think about it, it's too late to order tracts. Ugh. So anyway, we turned our light off and made for the hills (well there are no hills here) But you know what I mean.
I actually had an old woman talk to my daughter in the store last week. Nadia is still just a baby (ok she's 15 mo's, but she's still a baby to me!) and this lady said to her "So have the witches and ghosts got you yet?" Granted Nadia doesn't even know what those things are, but still, I was appalled! I would never say that to a child. Good grief.

So I thought I would mention that I nearly halved our grocery bill!!! YAY!! It's all since I have gotten the cookbook called More With Less. It has tasty tasty tasty! recipes and oh so healthy too. But very very frugal.
Some things I have been doing to cut our expenses lately:
I bake my own bread from scratch (not even using the breadmaker anymore, I use my kitchenaid instead)
I've made my own sourdough starter to use in place of yeast (although I've found a place where I can buy 2#'s for $2.50, so that's not bad) This will take some getting used to though.
I am using beans for half of the recipes I make. ie-Monday night is some sort of bean recipe with a salad and a bread product, either biscuits or homemade bread, Tuesday would be fish (you can get 9lbs of frozen filleted tilapia, which is a nice light fish for less than $10 and that lasts for a long time!) and then wed would be beans again. Hubby has been very happy with this set up and it's helped us to save money and on calories.
From each meal I freeze a large enough portion to be another whole meal for all of us. And we eat the other leftovers for lunches. Nadia eats from our table now, so I don't have to make baby food anymore. I am planning on utilizing those frozen portions for our future menus.
I save bones and scrap meat for stock, likewise with chicken. It's so much more healthy than the store bought, not as much salt.
When it's time to grocery shop I scour the online ads for local stores (we don't get a newspaper, that saves $$!) make a list of potential items that I would use and then make a menu from those items that are on sale.
I shop at Salvation Army, am a member of freecycle.org and go to consignment shops.
This has really gotten me to think about what we really need and what is a want. If it is a want, we go without. And ya know, it's not that bad. We have a new roof, heat (sometimes, but that's another story) and food (yeah, even with this new system I've still only lost 3#'s.)
So pray for us, our furnace only works intermittenly (is that how you spell it?) right now it's desperately trying to kick on and it won't do it. That's why the baby is sleeping in our room, so that if the furnace decides to go on strike, we only have to heat one room. We are slowly getting used to that.
I am sewing a lot of christmas gifts this year. It's another vest for hubby, a pair of flannel pajama pants for Sara, and a dress for mom. Our families exchanged names this year to minimize expense. Thank you Lord!
I'm going to go get more clothes on, I'm cold!! One blessing about that, it's saving us money!

A lot of crap floating around

A lot has happened since my last post, I realize I say that a lot. Right now at this moment, I am sitting next to my daughters diaper pail. And there is a nice scrapping loudly going on above my head. Both are a result of a problem we discovered two weekends ago. Resulting in everything being disrupted in our house. We knew the roof had a leak which caused some discoloration in the baby's room. Discovered that over a year ago. We tried fixing it with roof tar and stuff like that. Then around thanksgiving we discovered it was ruining the wall in her room. Great. Well fast forward to two weeks ago and we had another wet spot on the ceiling and the ceiling was getting heavy. Great. So now Nadia is sleeping in the study at night in her pack n play and napping in our room in her pack n play. That night after she was asleep in the study, we punctured a hole in that wet spot, causing a stream of water to run into a placed bucket. Great. Well we couldn't really do anything about it, because we have no money, so we called the insurance company to see what they would cover. Meanwhile the next weekend we had our first candidating appt with a church. YAY! We weren't approved yet for ministry in that region, but we had a meeting the following tuesday with the appropriate committee for that approval. So we were putting the cart before the horse, but the chairman of that committee is ok with that. The candidating went well, the meeting....well suffice to say it did not. Oh, they were much more respectful and more like brothers and fathers than the last meeting, but Andrew still did not get approved. Didn't get denied either, he needs to return in two months having researched an area of doctrine specific to the denomination we are apart of. And we're not talking about the deity of Christ, or how to get to heaven, you know the IMPORTANT things, no, it's a secondary issue, in my mind. So this church is making their decision before that and the commission is going to call them and let them know of their decision, so we are basically out of the running for that church.
I could just cry. There are two other regions we can go to yet, and the one doesn't have any churches open and the other one we have contacted and they haven't gotten back to us. So we are kinda in a rock and a hard place. We aren't making ends meet right now. I'm thinking of getting an additional job, hubby is looking for something else.
So do you understand my title for this post? There is a lot of stuff just flying around, literally. There are shingles falling from the roof outside the study and somehow I hope to get Nadia to sleep through all of the noise that is going to happen during her nap. I've been cooking and baking to feed our crew, of which is sparse. Pray for more men, or women, I don't care! I'm thankful for the people we have, but I'm afraid we won't get it done in time. Pray pray pray!!!!!!! Anyway, that's that. At least Nadia has slept great through all of this. Even nailing. Wow. I am shocked. Well gotta go check on stuff in the kitchen.

Can I have a vent????

Can I whine a little? I mean, this is my own personal soap box, right? I can say whatever I want, right?

Ok, here goes:

I want a clean floor for 24 hours. Just 24 hours!! That's all, not much to ask, just 24 hours. I want hubby to place his shoes in the proper spot. I want baby to not throw food on the floor. I need a maid. Oh wait, I have one. Me. I'm the maid. I don't mind really. But I just mopped the floor this afternoon at 4pm. Not 3 hours later it's dirty. GRRRR.


Here's something I don't want:

Shiny snot streaks all over my pants, my shoulders, where ever.

I just need to get more sleep, that's all, and I'll feel better. Maybe a nice relaxing bath.

Maybe I just need a better additude.

Praises and Prayers

We have an interview!!!!! Andrew and I have an interview with a church in a few weeks. They want me there at the interview. Eck! Never had this sort of interview before. Then Andrew will preach for them sunday. Pray for us, specifically this: This is a long trip and the meeting is over Nadia's bedtime, she still nurses before bed, pray this will go well for gramma. Pray the meeting goes well and that God's peace will surround us (and Andrew as he speaks). Pray we will hear God speak clearly to us about this church. Pray the meeting with the Regional approval committee (different meeting) goes well. Pray we all get good sleep!
Needless to say, we are excited and apprehensive. We've never done anything like this before. But we are trying so hard not to get our hopes up. We just want something to go well.

Please please be in prayer for my friends mother. She had ovarian cancer a couple of years back. She's been sick for about a month. They took her into the hospital because she got really bad the past three days. She's in emergency surgery right now. We've all had a foreboding feeling for sometime. Please pray for her father, as he is alone right now, waiting. Pray for the family.

Other than that, we're fine. I've been noticing more dirt lately. I think it's because we might be moving (hopefully, maybe....) soon. So I've been cleaning just a little bit deeper.

Gotta run. It's late, I'm tuckered.

Working again.....

Seems like I'm always working on a deadline for the Gem. I get it done and no sooner turn around and it's a month later and I need to get it done. Ugh.

I got a new cast iron dutch oven for like 10 bucks! I love this thing! But found out not to do stews, or soups until it's throughly seasoned. Like after doing a chicken or a roast or some bacon. I thought I could do a stew, yummy!! Started the first half of it, put the lid on, came back 20 mins later and it was black! It wasn't burnt, it's just that the soup I had done before had leached all the seasoning out. Ew. I felt horrible. Here we are strapped as it is and I have to throw out food. It was only carrots (from our garden) celery, onions and lentils, but still, it's food. Oh well.

Went up to MI this weekend, hubby preached. It was one of the most spirit filled, passionate, full of vigor and vim that I've heard him preach in a while. The man's got a gift. What a shame he isn't using it more often. I love to hear him preach. We are CGGC'ers, but at a Baptist church this weekend, he almost got baptist!! I was surprised. But oh was it good. I shan't tire of hearing him every weekend for the rest of my life. Not when God has His hand on him!

Nadia seems to be over this ear infection, I hope, I pray! She was in the best of moods today and today was a monday, and even after traveling for two days! She was so cute, talkative, funny, animated than I've seen her in a while. But she also took a 2 and half hour nap this afternoon, that we had to wake her up from. That is unheard of around these parts.

Well I'm not working anymore this evening. I've got so housework to do.
Blessings on ya!
Kathryn

Toddler Nadia

Nadia took her first steps on saturday. Much to the excitement of her parents. She hasn't done much since then, I guess she's bidding her time. But we are very excited at her development. She gets this really excited look on her face as if she knows how much we love it.

I am so very tired. I have a mess on the floor in the study and if I don't clean it up the baby will eat it.

Just wanted to say something small. To tired to think of anything else other than a bowl of cheerios. But I will not. I will not. I will not.


I will, however, take my yucky vitamins, take a bath and read my book.

I have obtained from the library two books, which I intend to buy. More With Less and Extending the Table. They are both cookbooks, with international flair. The recipes are very cheap, very healthy for you too. I made the next two weeks menu on these books alone and my list is so small. Yet, I know we will be eating well. It helps that I buy our fish in 9lb boxes frozen and my parents have kept us well supplied with groundbeef. It helps. We eat a lot of beans and lentils. Anyway, trying to work the food list down. Way down. Need to remember to buy that turkey breast at Great Scot's tomorrow.

I'll be seeing ya.

Alot has happened

Alot has happened since my last post. My great aunt died on monday. I got the call monday evening, packed and was on my way with baby tuesday morning. Finances being as they are hubby couldn't go. But I thought I was picking up my mother so I'd have help with the baby. The trip is eight hours. Mom is halfway. Got a call almost to my mother's that the funeral was changed to friday of this week. WHAT!?? GRRRRR. What do I do now? Mom decides not to go, leaving me with sole care of baby all week. I decide to go the whole way in, stay the week till the funeral, leave from funeral to stay at mom's and then come back on saturday to home. I stayed with my inlaws. It was bittersweet. I did better than I thought I would and learned somethings about myself. I didn't know just what I was capable of. I basically took care of Nadia by myself for a week. It was tiring, but I did it. By the grace of God I did it. The funeral was short and sweet, but a tribute to her life and to God's work in her life. It was good. I got to visit with my brother, of whom I didn't know how much I missed till I saw him. I wish we lived closer. Had a good visit with my mother, just some girl time. Which I think was good seeing as how they will be moving down to NM in the next two weeks and I don't know when we will see them again. Saw my great uncle. He looks so frail. He devoted the past, oh, 8 years to taking care of his wife. They never had any children. But they were devoted to each other. I will miss Aunt Tooldie. Her actual name was Thelma, I don't know how it got changed to Tooldie. For a while we just called them Aunt and Unk. But everyone knew who you were talking about.

It's September. Andrew had a New Years Wish this past new years, and that was to not spend another new years in this house. It seems we will. Oh dear. I am kinda down about this finding a church thing. Maybe it's just being tired or something, but I'm just down. I want to find a church I want to be 'planted'. I just want to be done with this process. I want to be where God wants us to be. Yeah yeah yeah I know, I'm right where God wants us to be. I know. But you know what I mean. I'm just sad. I'm just...I don't know what I am.

I have exciting news!!!!

I can officially fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans!!!!!! YAY! I can also fit into my pre-pregnancy under-things!!!! I am soooo excited! The scale really hasn't changed, although I did loose that plateau I was on. YAY! I think it was that TOM.
This week was busy, to say the least. Working a couple of extra hours because of a couple of deadlines for work. Had to get the gunsleeves finished for my dad. Plus the regular house work that needs done. I hate letting that go. Had to make baby food. Yada yada yada.
Speaking of the gunsleeves, my dad got them today and he wants me to make some more to sell at the flea market down in Gallup. Cool. How much do I charge, how many do I make? I have so many questions. What if no one buys them? This is so awesome, I was hoping to start a little sewing biz, but didn't know how. Didn't know if I was good enough. Guess I'm at least a little good enough for the gun slingers in our family.
Tonight I want to get done: I need to fold diapers. Put away the dishes and re-load the dishwasher. Wash my gym clothes. Figure out a special breakfast for tomorrow (Andrew's preaching, gotta make something special for him.) I want to do my nails. I don't get to do it often, but I want to do it before the summer's over. I want some color on my toes (and not spilt baby food either) while I can still wear sandals.
Oh, I got my hair cut today. That was fun. She cut about an inch off. It needed it. I am so very thankful for the gift card my friend got me. My hair looks so much better now. Thank you! Oh, that reminds me, I need a shower. I have little tiny bits of hair all over me. Itchy itchy itchy.
It's warm and muggy here. It was trying to rain earlier, but I'm not sure if it's just going to think about it, or do it. I love having the windows open at night.
I saw they have mums out at Meijer. I've been wanting mums to put out in the front of our house for a couple of years now. I never get around to it. I wonder, how do mums reproduce? Is it a bulb plant? Or seed? Hmmmm. I'll have to research that.
I've been looking into homeschooling. I go back and forth on it. I see the benefits and want to do it, but the only thing that's holding me back is wanting time to myself. But when I really think about it, I'll have had these children with me everyday for the 5 years leading up to them starting school that what difference will it be to have them with me after they start school? It's going to be the same. Plus I get time to myself now. So I guess the only other thing would be, how do I homeschool with other babies? But I know even in that I can set the older kids up with something to do while I nurse or take care of the baby. Maybe we'll hs all year long so that I know I"ll get the right hours in even if we have to take some time off. We can have longer breaks. Or shorter weeks.
Well it's eight o'clock. I'd better wrap this up and get to it.
Blessings y'all!

Fruit Gut, Colds, Busy and other assundry items

I should've left well enough alone. I was only mildly hungry. Very tiniest amount, barely noticable, probably not going to whither away to nothing, hungry. So I ate an apple (goes against my rule of nothing after 7, at the latest 8 at night). Now I'm even hungrier!!! It's fruit gut. I should've eaten hummus with celery. Much better snack. Now I'm going to barter with myself on this stupid issue! GRRRR. The small canister of sunflower seeds is staring me in the face. I can't let them go bad, can I?
My cold is still here. Not quite as bad. Day two. I slept pretty well last night. In fact I laid my head on the pillow at 10.30 and woke up at 6.15. Yeah, no getting up to potty, no baby waking, no hubby snoring and no nose blowing! It was the best night of sleep I think I've had since before I was pregnant! That's a long time. I think it was the tea. I'm drinking another cup tonight. I'll let ya know.
I've gotten my father's order for gunsleeves done. Got to mail it out tomorrow. He's leaving with a load on monday. Taking the guns. He needs em. Andrew made supper tonight. It was great!!! Spanish potatoes and a salad. I'll have to post some of my recipes on here. They come from Miserly Meals. Great food. Frugally done. That's my cup of tea!
Ok, so I ate a handful of seeds. yay. I am undone! Woe is me!! I am a woman of uncontrol! (is that even a word? Sounds like pantihose gone bad.)
Anyway, hope y'all (I'm not even from the south, I'm as Yank as they get!) have a great evening and an even better nights sleep!

Who Are You?

Awright, I know people are reading this blog, I just don't know who. No one ever comments!! I would love to know who is reading this blog. Just curious, no other reason.

I was up at 5 this morning. Baby woke me up. Then she wanted to stay up. Sunday nights are like that. Sunday's are different from other days and so she's a little different too. No prob. I have a cold and my brain is turned to mush. Andrew stayed home in the afternoon so that I could meet some deadlines for work. Need to finish Gem, work on article, and need to finish my father's gunsleeves for wednesday. Two down, two to go for his order, then four more for his friend.

Car went to the dr today. Turns out that knocking noise was just an oil change. Cool. Guess that's something we cannot compromise on. I guess I thought we could drag that out a little bit. Not if we don't want the car to freeze up.

Ya know how I was just whining and complaining about not being able to get a haircut? Well I prayed and the Lord provided. It's funny because any money that I was thinking would come in that I could use for a haircut I would eventually think "I should really just use that for ....." And a haircut would never come in the picture. Haircuts for long haired women just aren't a necessity. It's definitely a want. But I prayed. More like spiritual whining. And surprisingly (why am I surprised?) I got my want! Today in the mail I recieved a gift certificate to JCPenney styling salon!!!!! It's kinda neat, I can only use it for that spot. Nothing else. So you know what I did? I booked it to the phone and made an appt with my favorite stylist. I stopped seeing her when things started to get tight. What a treat! And she had an opening saturday afternoon! Of all times! Just when I can go! YAY! I thank my dear friend Rachel for this gift. And it truely is. I think she reads this, or either I whined too much in her presence. Or maybe my hair really looks that bad! Never thought of that. Oh well. Thanks so much!!

I talked to my friend about accompanying me to PA for the pending funeral of my great aunt. She's thinking about it. It all depends on when it is. I know if she didn't have any other things to hold her down, she'd go. But, like life, there are things we cannot compromise on. I respect that. But it doesn't hurt to ask.

Well my body aches, so I am going to soak it in the tub. Got a cup of Country Peach Passion Tea sitting right here beside me (which has chamomile and vitamin c in it, both things I need right now!) and I am going to relax with a good book. I love it.

Blessings.

Colds, dying, being broke and standing

I have a cold. I hate it. It's not the end of the world, but yet, when you are sick, nothing seems to go well. Or at least you can't go well. I am so sluggish. I can't rest when I have to watch a baby. But I'll do my best.

My great aunt is dying. She had a heart attack, not to mention dementia. She has less than 10% of her heart working. She won't be leaving that hospital alive. She's 92. I live 8 hours away from her, Andrew cannot take off time to go with me to the funeral. I don't know if I'm ready to make an 8 hour trip with Nadia and stay at my in laws and make happy with them. I don't know if I can do that. I could do it, but I don't know how good I'll be at doing it. Oh Lord help us. This is on the side of my family that is so angry with each other over the farm. This is as close as we'll get to a reunion anytime soon. I don't know what to do. I hate being broke. Every dollar is spoken for before it's made. I don't mind that, but I hate not having very many options. Why oh why Lord have you not provided a place for us yet? GRRRRR.

Nadia is standing more and more on her own now. I guess it's just a matter of time before she begins to walk. I have to find out if Payless still gives babies their first pair of shoes. We don't have money to get them.

I hate this. I just hate it. But there is nothing else we can do. Lord you have called us together and you have called us to bring others to you. And that is in our bones. We cannot deny it. We wait for you to show yourself. I know you have a place for us. I know it. Please provide. Please provide.

I should hang a shingle....

....I'll cut your hair if you cut mine.....


I cut my mother's hair today. I've been cutting hubby's for a while and a guy friend of ours. Not really hard, just use the clippers. Well, my parents are visiting and my mother mentions that her bangs need trimmed. No prob. Then she mentions she really needs the rest trimmed too. OOOOkay. So I give it a shot. Her hair is stick straight and all one length. I did my best. Nothing spectacular, but it's trimmed and split ends are gone. Now if I could just find someone to cut my hair!! But mines all different lengths and wavy and just a pain, I'm sure to cut. But once I get a great cut all I need to do is just let it dry. It's great.

Still waiting on those churches. Forever waiting. Oh we have lots of churches who want us, but they are only part time. And lots of pulpit supply. But nothing full time. Ugh. I guess something is better than nothing.

I am sewing gun sleeves for my father. I need to have them done by August 23. ACK! I don't have a whole lot of time!! Lord help me get them done. I just need to have four done by that date, then the rest I can mail at any time. I am hoping I'll get enough money that I can get a hair cut. I am obsessed with this want. I kind of feel it's like a need, but in actuality I don't need it. Not to live anyway. But it's just one more thing, just one more thing, that makes me feel poor. I can't even get my hair cut. We can barely pay for the food. Wait a minute. We can't. It goes on the credit card. I hate that.

I think I'd better quiet down. I'm depressing myself.
Gotta get water anyway.

Hello!!

I didn't think anyone actually read this blog. Wow, now I find out that there are at least two people reading it. Wow. Guess I'll actually have to keep it up more often.

Took Nadia to the dr today. She wasn't acting herself. Call it mother's intuition. But I thought maybe her ear infection hadn't cleared up. Well when I took her in there, her ear infection didn't clear up, in fact, she had a double!! Ack! So another round of antibiotics. Glad she eats so much yogurt. The pharmacy tech asked how I knew. Well she was waking up more at night, more fussy and of all things, when I nurse her in the afternoon, she often falls asleep. Then when we get up there is a huge puddle of sweat where her head was. I don't know why that is. But that's what happened the last time and lo and behold she had an infection. So here we go. Usually that stuff works pretty good.

Still no word from the three regions. Hubby still has to get stuff into the one region, but a church contacted us about a position, so we have to get stuff in. But we are so busy. But he could be working on it right now, but he's not, he's reading the news. GRRRRRR. I'm letting that one go. The more I bother, the slower he gets.

This stupid weight loss thing is not happening. I've started running. It's the funniest thing. I"m not the smallest thing and me running I'm sure is quite funny. But I'm hoping it will recharge my weight loss. I know one thing, it's recharged my hunger. I am hungry all the time!!! So I'm trying to keep my eating to a min and drink drink drink.

My great aunt who has alzheimers, had a heart attack. She's dying. Well, we all are, but she's closer, so it seems. But they've been saying that for about five years. I expect a call any day now. It's such a shame, I don't know if we'll be able to make it to the funeral. We can't take off days, we are so tight. It's hard to pay the bills. But I know all of my family will be in and I know there are people that Nadia hasn't met yet. There are those of my family I'd rather she not meet. Sad, but true.

Well tonight is date night. Nadia is down and I am thirsty!!! We are supposed to play a game of Risk. We'll see. Hubby is sooooo competative. Sometimes ruthless! He promises to be nice. We'll see......

Been a while....again

I know I don't blog much on here. Life is just insane at the moment. Coming up on Nadia's first birthday and suddenly we have an influx of people!!!!! Andrew's parents, my parents, Nadia's Godmother (my best friend) and her boyfriend, whom we've never met. We are going up for a church dedication in MI next weekend and last weekend was IMPACT. Crazy crazy crazy. And it's been so hot, I'm so wasted. This lovely Jerusalem diet is working!!!! I've lost at least 6 pounds on it. Slowly but surely. And a momentus occassion (I cannot spell worth a lick!) I've finally decided to go back to my old bras. YAY! Now I realize that may not be as stupendous as you think, but for me it is. I've been in nursing bras for over a year and while very utilitarian, not so fun. I gained weight over the pregnancy and lost it and now those are too big. So I'm going back. Now I'm still nursing, but I found a way to make em work. And she's not nursing quite as much, and only from the one side, so it's not as much of a problem. If I know I"ll be in a situation where I need to nurse in public I'll wear a nursing bra, otherwise, it's the pretty ones!!! YAY!!!
Still no public word on churches. Oh there is stuff going on, but I don't want to get all happy about it, so mum is the word for now.
Just wanted to say hi.

Doofus Mama

I was in the process of making sweet potatoes for my daughter and had it on the stove lightly boiling away (or so I thought). I was in the study doing some surfing when I *sniff sniff* what's that smell?? Bolt!!! IT'S THE SWEET POTATOES!!! Money is low as it is now and so I felt so bad that I might have ruined a perfectly good sweet potato that we could have used for food for her. But I was able to salvage most of the potatoes. Except for the portions that are indelibly adhered to the bottom of the pan, surrounded by black goo that I'm sure I'll leave on there way too long and forget to work on it and then at which point, working on it will be a work out and so I won't have to go to the gym for that day. My luck, I'll be working on it while the baby decides to do her screeching practice for the day. Ugh. Life aint so bad.
If there are any guys who read this blog, please skip this next part. It's a feminine care peg.
Have you ladies tried the Diva? I LOVE THIS THING!! It's the first day of my you know what and I am trying this menstrual cup. Yeah, it's a little pricey, but you basically have no need for any other menstrual care products for at least 10 years. Think of it, nothing in the trashcans, no smell. And if you put it in right, no leaking. It saves you money, saves you time. And it's actually cleaner to deal with than the other stuff. I really like it. I can't even tell I have my cycle. I think hubby has just about had it with all of my "hey honey, can I tell you about this???....." Poor thing.
Well I'm going to make sure I haven't burnt the remnants of my sweet potatoes, they weren't quite soft enough yet, so, yes, I put them back into another pot. I'll try not to do it again.
Have a quiet restful evening.

Atmosphere - Toby Mac

Artist: Tobymac Album: Welcome To Diverse City Title: Atmosphere

I know you keep a journal and every page is rippled
From the tears that you cry, ain't no meanin' to your scribble
Cause words can't describe what you've been feelin' inside
It's like thousand foot walls, and they're still on the rise
But look up to a beautiful sound
And see for yourself you're not that far down
And know this, I cannot love a little
My promise to you is unconditional

And I'll keep the light on, baby
Just keep the course, you can weather the storm
I'll keep the light on, baby
You've come this far, don't you ever lose heart, now

Just turn around and I'll be there
I'm moving into your atmosphere
Just turn around and I'll be there
I'm moving into your atmosphere

I know you're all alone in a crowd full of friends
I can see it in your eyes that your fadin' again
Checking out, moving into your hole
Where the light can't touch any part of your soul
But hold up and let the river rush in
You can turn around and start livin' again
Cause your life is a beautiful bloom
In the image of the one that created you

I'll be there

Said I'll be there, said I'll be there
Said I'll be there always, forever

This song really speaks to me because of where we are at right now. I can really understand the second verse. I've seen that hole, it looks inviting. It's so easy to go there again. But I've got to pray against it. I've got to realize it could happen again, but because I know it could, I can pray against it. Pray with me.

Discouraged

I thought I'd post before I leave to go home today. I'm at work. My one day in the office.

I am so very discouraged today. I think hubby is too. It seems like there are so many strikes against us in this search for a church. If there is a need for pastors, we sure don't see it!! No one seems to want us. The Pastoral Assessment Committee for the EC church was cancelled in August for lack of interest. So it looks like January, now. I am brought low. I am sad. It might be that third chocolate chip cookie I had at lunch. It might be that I haven't had any fruit today. It might be just hormones!

The Jerusalem Diet seems to be working. I've lost three pounds so far. And I've been on it about three weeks. It's going well.

Lord we are dry. We are discouraged. The life within us is gone. Revive us again. Show us that You are working. Please send us some light. We are so low right now.

Other than that, it's a nice day, couldn't ask for a better day.

Baby's schedule is all messed up. I'm trying to push her naps later. And she has been showing she could stay up later, but I don't want to mess with it. I don't want to get her too sleepy and then she'll not sleep at all. She's been getting up earlier and earlier. GRRRR. She does that from time to time. But at least she didn't get up at 4.30 screaming, like she does sometimes.

If anyone reads this, please pray for my husband and I. We are so very discouraged right now. I was so idyllic about finding a church, but it's not as rosy colored as I thought it would be. Part of me just wants to say, forget it!! Just forget it! No one cares, why should we?!

I think I just need some sunshine, sleep and veggies.

And prayer, I need lots of prayer.

O monday monday

I wasn't originally going to post about this, but I believe it will provide some freedom from the situation.

We had a meeting with that regional office on monday. A- was not approved for ministry in that region. We were blindsided. I will not go into the sordid details. We are very much back to square one. We are going to pursue another region and a whole other denomination.

I am having a lot of feelings about this whole situation. I am so angry at these men and I am even dealing with holding back hate for the key player in all of this. Got to pray, got to pray. Part of me is wondering whether we are supposed to be in ministry at all. We so fell in love with the place and now, now that is taken away. We were given hope. Now.... I read a scripture when I was doing my devo's and it really fits our situation:

Prov. 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

Yeah, that says it all. We are heartsick.

But today the Lord reminded me of a promise He gave me a long time ago:

Ezekiel 37:14 I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I, the Lord, have spoken it and performed it," says the Lord.' "

I am sad, because finally I want to get pregnant again and have another baby, but we cannot do that right now. Life just isn't in a state where we could be pregnant. We have no insurance. We are so low on money.

N- is doing so well with everything. She has gone to one nap, nursing is down to 6x a day, instead of 8. And she's sleeping through the night. Finally. We Ferberized her. It worked. And I love my baby.

I've started on the Jerusalem Diet. It's working! I've already lost 2 lbs and I don't feel starved or deprived. I am actually satisfied.

And I have been asked to do a youth breakout session. Great. I mean I'm looking forward to it. And I need to prepare for it. Which is what I am going to do right now.

Where we're at...

It's been an interesting couple of days. Nadia has been sick and on top of it I think she's dropping her first nap. That's bittersweet. That's also when I work. Ekk! I might have to work a little at night to get stuff done. That's ok. I can just go to the gym in the morning instead. Which is much better anyway.

We got a call from a regional office about a church. YAY! I am more than excited, but more than apprehensive about it being 'the one'. I want to be hopeful, I want to be excited. But I also don't want to be disappointed. Don't know what the next step is. At conference this week I got to talk to the former pastor's wife of this church. Sounds like a good match...so far. The locale is lovely, the church is fulltime and they like kids. Then today at church, after hubby had offered a praise that God knows where we will pastor at, we had some people come up to offer to pray for us. It was so encouraging. Probably one of the most encouraging things yet in this process. I feel God's blessing. Also, I was reminded again that the most important thing in going to a church to pastor is not how I look (because I began to think I had better loose some weight so they love me) but rather my relationship with God, because then everything else will follow. I am afraid, to be honest. And part of me just wants to cry, but not because I don't want it, but because something is finally happening. It's the let down, ya know? Like when I started bleeding early on in my pregnancy, I didn't feel anything until I had come home from the dr's, after the ultrasound and after I was done bleeding, then, in the shower, I sobbed. Yes, everything was fine, but it was the let down, the let out. It was needed.




This is my beautiful daughter, inspecting a piece of grass. She later put it in her mouth. Ew. I thought you might enjoy a pic of her.

Been a while

It's been quite a while since I blogged last. Been a terrific and terrible time.

We are still looking for a church to pastor. Part of the reason is we cannot get a hold of anyone! I feel so lost and forgotten. Worship this morning was so hard. I am so angry at God. He could get us out of this at any moment. But for some reason He chooses not to. I hear the wisdom of the ages coming through, in that, I will look back and see the reason, I just have to trust Him right now that He is doing what needs to be done. Nonetheless, I am still frustrated and angry. And impatient. I confess.

Nadia hasn't helped much in this. She has been getting up more and more at night and last night was up from 4.30 till wakeup. Grrrr. BABY! But naps have been just great! I think that's part of the problem.

Part of the frustration about finding a church is it also means a job. A job with insurance and better pay. Maybe getting off WIC. I feel so ashamed when I go to purchase that stuff. Granted it helps, but still, I feel like white trash. Or at least I've been inadvertently referred to as that. I've gotten looks and frustrated looks of disdain from checkout people. I know what it feels like to be on medicaid. Our baby was born free. Literally. Thank God for that. But we don't have it now. If we get sick.... Thank God I found a clinic for people such as us. Below the poverty level, that's what my mother referred to us as. How degrading. Even if it is true.

I'm just angry. Tired. And frustrated. Lord help me. Please deliver us. Please be Lord of the job hunt. You called us, now send us.

You're on a mission and I'm in your way. That's what I just told him. That's what my dad used to do. He'd get on a cleaning binge and everything and everyone was in his way. So I learned to stay out of it. I was trying to have a meaningless conversation with him about face wipes for Nadia. Just trying to create conversation. Trying to get his opinion, because it counts to me, I want to know what he thinks. Yes, even with the small, unimportant stuff. But all I got was grunts and huffs. Good grief. Makes me so mad. So I'll just stay out of his way.
Then I find him making fried potatoes for himself. After the supper I made and he wants potatoes! That hurts.
Anyway. I tore apart an old comforter today, I'm going to make a guest quilt out of it and some old blankets. I tried to make yogurt. Didn't go. Tried to make a loaf of oat bread, didn't go. Two experiements crashed. Ugh. Disgusting. Made face wipes for Nadia for when she eats and didn't cost me a dime. (Old baby towels, water and baby soap in an old sugar container, set by the table, wha-la, face wipes! No more using napkins or paper towels! We're saving money baby!)
so I"ll have to figure out what I did wrong with the yogurt. Somethings not right. Maybe I'll try it with milk next time, I used reconstituted dried milk. It's been in the oven for 10 hours, should be done by now. I'll check it again.
So anyway. That was my saturday. Besides the normal nursing, changing dipes (which is another area of contention with me. I want him to change more diapers on a saturday and what happens? I am changing the same amount, plus watching her just as much, so that HE can get things done. What like I don't want some ME time too?) I could scream, but I'd wake the baby.
I'm going to go check the yogurt.

I haven't posted here in a looooong time. I can't even remember when. I think it was before easter. We had hubby's parent's in for easter. In our small house, that was a full weekend. And I think before easter I was finishing three deadlines. Ugh. Or maybe it was two. At any rate I had a lot due. Hubby stayed home in the afternoons so I could get it done. And I did.
Then I had catching up to do last week after the in laws went home and then this week I thought Gem was due again, just saw it was not. Ugh. Oh well.
Now baby is laying down for her morning nap. I know she is sooooo tired, but will she sleep? I don't know, but I do know that she is screaching. Not screaming, just loud, what sound like happy squeals. Ugh. Baby baby baby. I so want her to sleep, I am so tired I want to nap. But she probably wont' because I want to. That's how it works, right?
I made strawberry jam last night. Wasn't planning on it, but Nadia was unhappy at the grocery store and I can't make good decisions when she's fussy, just can't think. So I ended up buying the sale, that is 4lbs of strawberries for $5. I don't even know if that is good or not. I think I cooked it too long. I don't think it's any good. It's dark. Almost moves like molasses. That is, it doesn't move at all!
I've decided to make our old worn out guest comforter into a guest quilt. I'm tearing it apart, using the batting for fluffing pillows or what not and then cutting the front and back into squares for the quilt. I've got so many other scraps that this shouldn't be a problem. I'm then going to use an old thermal blanket that's got the satin binding all torn up for the batting. Should be sufficiently warm. I could add another thermal inbetween for added warmth. I'll have to check salvation army for such a thing. And if this works well I am going to make one for our bed. My hubby brought lots of old blankets into our marriage and I think this will be a nice way to use them, without throwing them away. I've always wanted to quilt. And I mean really quilt. Like how they used to do it.
I think baby is asleep. So I am going to do the same.
Ciao.

Here I Go Again-WhiteSnake

---

No I don't know where I'm going
But, I sure know where I've been,
Hanging on the promises
In the songs of yesterday,
And I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time.

Tho' I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on,
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams.

And here I go again on my own,
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
And I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time.

I'm just another heart in need of rescue
Waiting on love's sweet charity,
And I'm gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams.

And here I go again on my own,
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
And I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time.
But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again.

(Solo)

And I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time.

And here I go again on my own,
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
'Cos I know what it means,
To walk along the lonely street of dreams.

And here I go again on my own,
Going down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone...

Here I sit. My fingers are a wreck and there is an irate baby. She should've been asleep an hour ago, but rather she just fell asleep.

I hate daylight savings.

So do I just go with it and let her sleep till she wakes up, or do I just wake her up at 10am, to try to set a schedule? Before I could just lay her down and she'd sleep for an hour. Morning nap was the easiest. The afternoon one was the problem. Now it's the opposite. She'll sleep for two hours for her afternoon nap and the morning nap is just terrible.

I hate daylight savings.

I am so tempted to try that Sweet Sleep Tincture that Maggie has for her boys. Nights aren't a problem, it's the day sleep that we have issue with. At least we didn't, but now we do.

I hate daylight savings.

I was trying to control myself. It is so hard sometimes. She's supposed to wake up in 15 minutes, I want to cry. I hate this sometimes. Sometimes all of this just feels so helpless, so hopeless. I know God is with me, but I feel like I'm doing this all by myself. No one else fields the burden for this but me. It's my job.

I hate daylight savings and sometimes, just sometimes, I hate how things turn out. I have no control over this and no wisdom in this matter. Sometimes I consider a hormonal birth control because I know the havoc it wreaks on my body and I would have trouble getting pregnant, because I don't want to get pregnant. At least not now.

My fingers look terrible and they hurt. I am waiting to do work, but can get nothing done until it is sent to me. So I can wait here until I get my baby up. My baby. Is she really anyone elses? Does anyone else REALLY know what I go through? Does anyone REALLY care? Probably not.

I worry that this will continue until my in laws visit next week. I am so afraid they will critique what I am doing and give 'suggestions'. I don't need more suggestions. I don't need more advice. I just need support. This is not the way I envisioned motherhood to be. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be like this. This is a different kind of hard.

Lord help me.

I have been just so busy the past couple of days. I have two deadlines tomorrow. Plus keeping house, keeping baby, keeping hubby and keeping myself!

Anyway, I am taking the Self Challenge! Woohoo! I am really going to do it. I am not going to give up. I'm not really going to follow the food thing, as I am going to eat well and I know how to eat well. But rather, I am going to follow the cardio and strength training portion of it. I'm excited. So by Nadia's Birthday I should be down, or past my pre-preg weight. Woohoo!

I seriously dislike reading books that I feel like I have to read. I am trying to get started in a book called When Beliefs and Life Collide by Carolyn Curtis James. Basically it looks at the roles of women in ministry, but not just that, women in theology. I am interested in it and look forward to the wisdom this woman may impart, but with only being out of school for 4 years, I still loathe reading books that are good for me. I'd much rather read a fictional book. Like the Heirs of Montana series. Now that's fictional! But historical, I like that.

Poor Nadia's had some trouble sleeping. Don't know why. Just has. But we'll get through it.

I do believe spring has finally sprung!! Nadia and I took a walk today. It was beautiful! I had her in a sling, which I have been using more and more these days. I was even able to hang her diapers out on the line (and I even had her in the sling while doing it, I'm becoming quite the mother).

We have decided to put another garden in this year. We weren't going to, because of not knowing how long we'd be here, but after thinking about it, we'd probably get some use out of it. So I am planting arugula, mesculun, spinach, onions, carrots, basil, thyme (a personal fave), tomatoes, squash, cilantro, parsley, lettuce and some other things I can't think of. I think I've sent hubby over the edge. We said, we said, we were going to put in a small garden. Well, yes, we are, smaller than last year. And who will be doing the gardening? Hmmm, Hmmm???? Me. Yes, that's right. I'm adding another thing to my job description. Gardener. Hopefully that $75 freezer is good and we will be able to put up some of this stuff. I'm hoping so!! It would be nice to get a food dehydrator too.

Irritated baby calling. First responder here. Yup, that's me.

Sometimes I get so frustrated. I am the only one who has to deal with her. Hubby doesn't do much of what I do. Sure he changes diapers and crap like that but most of the time it's me. I'm doing it all. I'm on call all the time and I don't get to sleep through the night like he does. Heck, he even gets to take naps. Great for him. But who really needs it more? Me or him. He has to go to work, what an excuse. I know he has to, but still I get so frustrated. Nothing is ever the same, but yet it's the same old struggle. I've been so good with it too, but just today is a hard day. Only 45min naps and fussy fussy fussy. Cry when I put her down, cry to go somewhere else, cry to change a diaper. But tired, but won't sleep. GRRRRRRR.

I am going to sew diapers for her. That should be fun.

I think I read fiction to escape. Is that wrong?

And then he is late for lunch today. Yeah, like my schedule can change and move to the beat of his whims. Makes me mad. Seems like no consideration for what I am doing. Yeah, I just take care of the baby, and clean, and cook, and do laundry, and change diapers, and nurse a baby, and do damage control for a baby and and and and.......... I am going to pilates tonight if it kills me.

Going lentil. Going vegetarian. I don't mind. It's cheaper and better on the waistline too. Granted there are full fatted versions of every food available, but still mostly it's low fat.

I'm half tempted just to eat without him and go. Let him feel what it's like to be at home BY YOURSELF for a while. Of course maybe he'd like it.

I'm about ready to loose it. Either he comes home or I'm outta here. Going shopping or something. I am going to give him 15 minutes and then I'm gone.

Later.

Poor little girl. Has had a diaper rash to end all diaper rashes for the past month. Over a month now. We've seen a dr. We've tried vaseline, desitin, A&D, we've tried the steriod cream and antifungal cream prescribed by the dr, but to no avail. Poor thing. I don't know what to do.

She's been falling asleep when I nurse her at night and I'm afraid that will start a new theme. I try to keep her awake, but it doesn't work. Oh well. Lord help me.

I've finished my parents curtain order. YAY! It is done! It is finished!

I made up a new concotion of teas. Chamomile, red raspberry, and mother's milk. Good for milk production, relaxation aid for both me and baby and good for the mama!

Lord heal her bottom. Help us to know what to do.

We are going to a new church tomorrow. Excited about that.

Good Day.

It was a good day yesterday. We got our taxes done and we are getting a huge tax return. YAY! I can get my packnplay and my pampered chef chopper. YAY! And we just got a huge check in the mail from my OBGYN for a refund of overpayment and so we can pay some other bills. YAY! I will be able to get a bike trailer/stroller with the refund too. I am so happy. I know most of these things are for Nadia, but hey, they are for me too. Think about it. If I'm outside because I want to be, I can put her in her packnplay. And because I'm trying to get this last 10lbs off of baby fat I can go for a walk or bike (my poor bike has been neglected for well over a year now) with her in the back. I am soooo excited about this.
It's cold here again. Sigh. But yesterday was the first day of spring and so that means there is hope that it will come. Does spring come because the calendar says it must? Or do we put a spot on the calendar to remind us that spring will come? I think it's the later.
I'm getting back to pilates tonight. I'm hoping that will help me fit into those jeans I've been missing for well over a year too. I think my hip shape has permentantly changed. Oh well. Small sacrifice for the little wonder who's finding so much facination in plastic links. She's holding them above her head and pulling with all her might. What a cutie.
I've started to 'wear' Nadia more now. She likes it and so do I. What a cool thing. I bought this sling before she was born and have only started to use it recently. It's so nice! I'm going to try to accomplish the back wear. I'll do that when hubby is around.
Oups. Nadia is wanting to eat. Then it's off to the gym.

Did you know that there are spiders in my house? Big, black, ugly, nasty spiders. Ok, he wasn't that big, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and he's probably a really nice spider, but he is black! He must have met his demise in my mop bucket. Poor thing, drowned to death. Unfortunately I mopped his nastiness all over my kitchen floor. I am walking in my stocking feet on his grossness. Ok, so he probably doesn't have many germs to share, but still even the thought of it. And worse yet, his decaying carcass is lying in the sink basket, all curled up like an arthritic hand. Ewww. I will not dispose of him. That's my husbands job. He is the slayer of bugs. I am a damsel in distress (you got that right) and he's at work. So until then I won't do anything with the sink. Ewww. Just looking at it gives me the hee-bee-gee-bee's.
Nadia isn't happy with anything today. Not playing on the floor, not eating, not sleeping, well she's sleeping. But she just isn't happy. She doesn't want down, she doesn't want held, she doesn't want slinged. Ugh. Today is one of those days. Some times I want to get that tincture, but I don't know if that is right. I mean, that would be the ultimate control over a child. I don't want to do that.
So we'll just keep plugging along.
Had to share my spider story.

My husband has discovered this blog, so now I have to be nice to him. Hi honey! ;)

Anyway. Sometimes I get discouraged at the mundaneness of it all. I'd love to just pick up and go. I'm tired of naps, tired of feedings. I want freedom! I am so pressured, so badgered to have another child. At least that's the way it feels. Sometimes I don't want to go through this again. I really don't. But then I look at my husband and don't want to let him down. And I think of my daughter growing up and not having a sibling. Is it wrong to be selfish in this matter? Especially when I am the one doing the bulk of the care? I want to be free again! To do what I want. But what would I do? I think I just need sun.

I'm going to go do dishes.

My husband says that I am busier than he is. Why would he say that? Just because I am feeding an infant every two hours, clean, cook, hold a part time job, have a sewing business, sew for my family, spend quiet time with God, exercise trying to loose baby weight. Gee, I guess he's right.
There is such a big stink about women in ministry. Women in ministry isn't the stink, it's women pastors, women preachers. Well Paul says that women will prophesy. It's just that women cannot teach men. Prophesying and teaching are two different things. First of all prophesying is speaking the truth of God for past, present and future. That's been a gift to me too. I didn't want to say that. Then teaching is instruction. That's fine. What could I teach men about being men? And what would a man teach me about being a woman? But preaching, which is speaking the truth in all times, is a viable calling to women. YAY! So I'm not off my rocker. Still waiting for my husband to say a loud 'yes'! You are called to preach. I am still waiting for myself to say that. I need to respond to another blog.
My bookbag is done.

I understand the quibble about women in ministry, but what I don't understand is the anger that some men feel about women NOT being in ministry. I don't get it. I guess there are some men who are for the women, more than the women are. I should specify. I mean, there are women in ministry and there are women in leadership in the church and there are women who preach. All of these things I feel are ok. How do I reconcile Paul's teaching? I don't know, I'm still working that out. All I know is that I am still trying to figure out my call on my life to preach. Great, there I said it. Now you know it.

On a completely different note, baby girl took great naps today. And I think it's because I wasn't all whacked out about it either. I enjoyed her today. It's amazing how just 15 minutes spent with the Lord can change my handling of a day. It's been the difference of night and day. He is changing me, and that is good. I've spent too long in anger, too long in depression, too long in my own dealings and not living free. It was for freedom he set us free. Beautiful. I have such hope that my mind cannot and will not drag me down now. I know it is possible. I am free and that is worth more than I can say. I can actually enjoy, cherish my daughter. I am so happy for that. For 7 months, I tolerated her and made myself love her. I was so ashamed that I didn't have the gush of love and emotions for her. Oh I had emotions for her, but not what you'd expect from a new mother. I was so discombobulated. Some days I still am. My life was upset. But now, now, I've found a new norm. I can actually see myself having another baby. But not just yet. I still want to..... What do I want to do? I am enjoying Nadia and well, I dunno, what's holding me back? I don't want to wait too long, you know, get out of the baby life and then have to go back into it. I don't want to get out of the swing of things.

Thank you Father for my hubby, for my daughter and for Your patience and willingness to rid my soul of this one dark blot. I hate it. Thank you for helping me remove it. You know I couldn't do it.

Going to work on my bookbag.

So the little stinker only took a 45min nap this afternoon. Grrrr. Well papa is with her now, dealing with her. It's nice to be at work. Although I missed lunch because he was late getting home. But hey, that's ok. I'm ticked. I don't know what to do with her naps. Yes she is getting them, and just about how long she needs, but she just won't lengthen them out. Grrrr. Oh well. I guess we'll just go with the flow. She still sleeps really really well at night, which is good. Sometimes I want to cry. But I still love her and hubby, just frustrated. That's all. I'm allowed that much am I not? It's nice to be at work now though and do something other than baby. We are going to do date night a little earlier today. Which will be nice. I think we are going to go to the mall and walk around. I am so hungry. And thirsty. I should get something to drink. Maybe this will help me loose those last couple of baby fat pounds. At any rate. Well I need to go. Need to get some stuff done and then go home. Hopefully, hopefully she took another nap. Baby baby baby. Nothing lasts forever.

Ok, so she is in her crib, 'talking' to herself. Will she sleep? I certainly hope so. Hope. So much centers around that. But it is so essential to keeping us going. Without it life would be meaningless. We would have no reason. I have new hope. I have hope that I am going to get better that things will get better. I am certain of it. Oh I am scared. I am scared that she won't sleep. Scared that I won't get it right. Scared we won't find a church. Scared that I'll just loose it someday. Scared she won't sleep long enough. But but but. "God has not given us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power love and a sound mind". Amen! Lord please help me. I mean this. Help my mind to rise above the situation. To not get bogged down and loose sight of the true things. The true things. Like your promises. Like your love. Your presence. Oh Lord I pray, Transform my mind! Do you have more for me than this? I know you do. My life is more than her sleeping, eating, pooping and her butt rash. Oh I love her. But my life is more than her. Please help me to believe that. Lord I need you. I need your presence. I need your transforming power in my life. I am weak, I need your strength. I need the truth of your word. What will you have me memorize? I need. Ok, I'll do that. Matt 11:28ff. I will trust you for this day. This hour. This minute. I give them to you.

Naps are good today, but not the best. She woke up from her noon nap an hour early. Ugh. So now I'm trying to put her down for another one. I think she's asleep. I'd like to take a nap. Haven't done that for a while.
The Gem is done and so are the other pubs I'm working on. So that means I don't really have to work. Plus with going to the retreat this weekend and taking some pics I'll have some extra time put in there.
I'm so afraid of her going to a three nap routine. But hey if she needs it, she needs it. I can't compete with that. If she gets up early from naps and I have to be somewhere, we'll just have to make it work. But it is working and I'm glad for it. I just wish I would get better at the way I feel about it happening the way it does. And I am. It's just a process and it doesn't go as quickly as what I'd like. I get so frustrated, because I am realizing that there are so many ways to do things, because there are so many babies! And individuals. And part of parenting is just figuring out what they are needing and how they need it. Not one way is going to fit all babies.
Anyway. She's napping and so I think I might too.