Friday, June 30, 2006

O monday monday

I wasn't originally going to post about this, but I believe it will provide some freedom from the situation.

We had a meeting with that regional office on monday. A- was not approved for ministry in that region. We were blindsided. I will not go into the sordid details. We are very much back to square one. We are going to pursue another region and a whole other denomination.

I am having a lot of feelings about this whole situation. I am so angry at these men and I am even dealing with holding back hate for the key player in all of this. Got to pray, got to pray. Part of me is wondering whether we are supposed to be in ministry at all. We so fell in love with the place and now, now that is taken away. We were given hope. Now.... I read a scripture when I was doing my devo's and it really fits our situation:

Prov. 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.
Yeah, that says it all. We are heartsick.

But today the Lord reminded me of a promise He gave me a long time ago:

Ezekiel 37:14 I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I, the Lord, have spoken it and performed it," says the Lord.' "

I am sad, because finally I want to get pregnant again and have another baby, but we cannot do that right now. Life just isn't in a state where we could be pregnant. We have no insurance. We are so low on money.

N- is doing so well with everything. She has gone to one nap, nursing is down to 6x a day, instead of 8. And she's sleeping through the night. Finally. We Ferberized her. It worked. And I love my baby.

I've started on the Jerusalem Diet. It's working! I've already lost 2 lbs and I don't feel starved or deprived. I am actually satisfied.

And I have been asked to do a youth breakout session. Great. I mean I'm looking forward to it. And I need to prepare for it. Which is what I am going to do right now.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Where we're at...

It's been an interesting couple of days. Nadia has been sick and on top of it I think she's dropping her first nap. That's bittersweet. That's also when I work. Ekk! I might have to work a little at night to get stuff done. That's ok. I can just go to the gym in the morning instead. Which is much better anyway.

We got a call from a regional office about a church. YAY! I am more than excited, but more than apprehensive about it being 'the one'. I want to be hopeful, I want to be excited. But I also don't want to be disappointed. Don't know what the next step is. At conference this week I got to talk to the former pastor's wife of this church. Sounds like a good far. The locale is lovely, the church is fulltime and they like kids. Then today at church, after hubby had offered a praise that God knows where we will pastor at, we had some people come up to offer to pray for us. It was so encouraging. Probably one of the most encouraging things yet in this process. I feel God's blessing. Also, I was reminded again that the most important thing in going to a church to pastor is not how I look (because I began to think I had better loose some weight so they love me) but rather my relationship with God, because then everything else will follow. I am afraid, to be honest. And part of me just wants to cry, but not because I don't want it, but because something is finally happening. It's the let down, ya know? Like when I started bleeding early on in my pregnancy, I didn't feel anything until I had come home from the dr's, after the ultrasound and after I was done bleeding, then, in the shower, I sobbed. Yes, everything was fine, but it was the let down, the let out. It was needed.

This is my beautiful daughter, inspecting a piece of grass. She later put it in her mouth. Ew. I thought you might enjoy a pic of her.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Been a while

It's been quite a while since I blogged last. Been a terrific and terrible time.

We are still looking for a church to pastor. Part of the reason is we cannot get a hold of anyone! I feel so lost and forgotten. Worship this morning was so hard. I am so angry at God. He could get us out of this at any moment. But for some reason He chooses not to. I hear the wisdom of the ages coming through, in that, I will look back and see the reason, I just have to trust Him right now that He is doing what needs to be done. Nonetheless, I am still frustrated and angry. And impatient. I confess.

Nadia hasn't helped much in this. She has been getting up more and more at night and last night was up from 4.30 till wakeup. Grrrr. BABY! But naps have been just great! I think that's part of the problem.

Part of the frustration about finding a church is it also means a job. A job with insurance and better pay. Maybe getting off WIC. I feel so ashamed when I go to purchase that stuff. Granted it helps, but still, I feel like white trash. Or at least I've been inadvertently referred to as that. I've gotten looks and frustrated looks of disdain from checkout people. I know what it feels like to be on medicaid. Our baby was born free. Literally. Thank God for that. But we don't have it now. If we get sick.... Thank God I found a clinic for people such as us. Below the poverty level, that's what my mother referred to us as. How degrading. Even if it is true.

I'm just angry. Tired. And frustrated. Lord help me. Please deliver us. Please be Lord of the job hunt. You called us, now send us.