Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Build Us Back

We've had the newest Newsboys release for some time now.  And I've listened to the whole thing over and over again, but it wasn't until today at lunch it was playing on my phone and it took me.  It seems the Lord is really speaking to me these days about this whole brokenness.  He is faithful.  I wanted to share these lyrics.  My prayer is that they give you hope in the midst of hurting, a promise of healing from deep wounds as I know and am confident the Lord is doing here.  

Build Us Back - Newsboys

We’ve been crumbled, we’ve been crushed
City walls have turned to dust
Broken hands and blistered feet
We walk for miles to find relief

When the thief takes, when our hopes cave
You build us back
You build us back
When the earth shakes, when the world breaks
You build us back
You build us back

We are scared, we are poor
All our safety nets are torn
We’ve been humbled to our knees
From these ruins, we believe

Redeemer, redeem us
Restorer, restore us
Oh build us back
Though the mountains be shaken, the hills be removed
Your unfailing love remains
After all that’s been taken, Your promise, still sacred
You build us back with precious stones

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Fasting Discoveries

I realize I've only fasted two nonconsecutive days, but I've learned a few things.  Or rather, I've discovered some things about fasting in relation to the physical that completely surprised me.  I never expected:
  • hiccuping
  • gas
  • exhaustion
  • difficulty in speaking, thinking
  • inability to get warm
  • increased sense of smell
These are all the things I can think of now, but it's weird, all these things.  Just thought I'd put that out there.

April 12, 2011

I have recently been studying more about fasting.  And I mean fasting for the purpose of prayer.  In my research I found this passage of scripture and it really resonates with me:

Isaiah 58:3-9 (New King James Version)

3 ‘ Why have we fasted,’ they say, ‘and You have not seen?
      Why have we afflicted our souls, and You take no notice?’

      “ In fact, in the day of your fast you find pleasure,
      And exploit all your laborers.
       4 Indeed you fast for strife and debate,
      And to strike with the fist of wickedness.
      You will not fast as you do this day,
      To make your voice heard on high.
       5 Is it a fast that I have chosen,
      A day for a man to afflict his soul?
      Is it to bow down his head like a bulrush,
      And to spread out sackcloth and ashes?
      Would you call this a fast,
      And an acceptable day to the LORD?
Apparently there is a WRONG way to fast.  We can do many good things for all the wrong reasons.  Christ talked about this in Matthew 6, that we are to overtly pain ourselves.  Instead we are to wash our faces, make ourselves as we normally would.  Not that we can't tell others, but not to make a big deal about it.  And here we see that the Israelites too had wrong reasons for fasting.

I find it difficult to have a pure reason for fasting.  Scripture tells us that the thoughts of mans heart is only evil all the time.  That doesn't leave much room for goodness in us.

I am fasting today.  I have felt the Lord move me to fast over the brokenness in my heart.  I fasted last tuesday and will next tuesday.  Then we'll see what more He wants of me.  And I can't say that anything magical has happened.  But He is answering prayer.  He has sent me to the word and He has shown me His truth about Him.  Read the next part of the Isaiah passage:  

 6 “ Is this not the fast that I have chosen:
      To loose the bonds of wickedness,
      To undo the heavy burdens,
      To let the oppressed go free,
      And that you break every yoke?
       7 Is it not to share your bread with the hungry,
      And that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out;
      When you see the naked, that you cover him,
      And not hide yourself from your own flesh? 
I just read this today.  The Lord has shown me I am to pray for freedom, liberty for this broken situation.  There is a yoke, a burden, an oppression.  And I pray for liberty from this.  The Lord has shown me I cannot break this, I cannot heal this, I cannot change this on my own strength.  I am weak and unable.  So I go to Him.  And He has shown me that He breaks yokes and sets the captives free.

And then look what happens:
 8 Then your light shall break forth like the morning, 
      Your healing shall spring forth speedily,
      And your righteousness shall go before you;
      The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
       9 Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
      You shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’ 

And He has already said to me "here I am."

He heals.

He restores.

He liberates.

And He protects.  

Friday, April 08, 2011

April 8, 2011

It's been pretty long since I last blogged and honestly I just don't have the time, nor the heart to do it.  I'm really only doing it because I feel I should.  Once I do, however, I feel better.  This is very much cathartic for me.  

It seems the past year has been fraught with hurts.  Sorry if this sounds like a whine coming on, but hey, it's my blog.  Last year a good friend of mine stopped talking to me over a FB incident.  It wasn't something we couldn't overcome if she'd just talk to me.  I've called, written and asked for forgiveness.  Nothing.  It hurts.  

Then my grandmother, my closest and last living grandparent, died.  I miss her.  Sometimes I can think of all the things I wish I had had the time to ask her, or ask her to show me how to make.  Some of those dishes have died with her.  She was a good woman and deserves her rest.  And you know what I hate?  I hate it when someone around me dies, I love them and someone else says something like "yeah, well they were good to you, but not me."  Well, go pound sand.  I loved her and she meant a lot to me.  

Then we had the 'incident' that I talked about a month or two ago.  It still really hurts.  I am still in shock.  And because it happened a while ago my brain is telling me it didn't happen at all.  And I know that's not true.  I think my brain is trying to shut that out.  Whatever.  

Then a stupid, frustrating, completely idiotic thing has been happening off and on for years now.  Ok, so it's not all those things, but it is hurtful.  It hurts a lot.  Thankfully we seem to have turned a corner and maybe, just maybe this will start walking us out of the woods.  Oh gosh it hurts so bad.  Betrayal is the key word here.  

On the good front, because there is always a good front if you look for it, God is taking me on a journey.  And maybe some day I can tell you about it, but not now.  So for now I am writing it all down in a safe place.  And I'm scared.  I don't know where this will take me.  I do know it is taking me out of my familiar zone.  I can't call it comfort zone, because it was never comfortable.  But it is familiar.  I know it, I know how to react and I know what to expect.  This, however, is completely uncharted territory.  So we'll see.

And since that one post, a few months ago, where I whined about not loosing weight and being frustrated about dieting and counting calories and such?  Well I've lost 10lbs.  Crazy huh?  I'm not counting my calories at all.  I am still running three times a week and doing cross training those three alternate days.  I also try to do some sort of toning everyday except sunday.  It's working.  I am also drinking a ton of water and green tea.  And I am eating healthfully.  Sometimes that means have one sweet.  Because health is about the body, yes, but it is also about mind health.  I want to have a balance.  

Warning: I'm going to talk about girly stuff here guys.  

I got my first post surgery menses.  Pre-surgery I had a minimum of 7 days of bleeding, with about 6 ounces of fluid loss.  Upper limit of healthy fluid loss is 2 ounces.  I would also spot endlessly between cycles.  Post-surgery?  4 days, 1 ounce.  No spotting.  I have tons of energy.  I'm not supplementing with iron anymore and I don't have any iron in my daily.  I was taking two iron pills everyday with a multi that contained iron and still needing a nice long nap in the afternoon.  Sometimes a nap in the morning (which is difficult with a toddler running around).  Now?  I don't take naps anymore.  In fact, if I do, I can't sleep at night.  It's good.  Life has improved and I feel better.  I'm grateful.  

Pray for me May 1.  I get to preach again!  I'm super excited.  

That is all.  I do feel better.  This is it.  It's me.  It's raw.  But it's my blog and I don't care.  I'm glad I got it out.  Later gaters!