Sunday, October 28, 2007


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I apologize for being so remiss in my blogging of late. I realize that I haven't been on here for some time. It's been busy. I can't even remember the last update I gave.

Andrew had his birthday at the end of September, his parents were up to celebrate it. That was nice. I'm almost ashamed to say the thoughts I am having towards my own. It's always around my birthday that I feel the most forgotten. It seems that no one cares about it or even remembers. I feel like I have to remind most people. My own mother sends me an e-card. She's never been really good at mail cards or presents. And my MIL is really good at this stuff, and most years I can count on some birthday money to do something I want to with, but last year I didn't get anything. Andrew got just about everything on his list. They asked what he wanted and he got it. Nadia gets tons of gifts from everyone. I realize she's a child and the first grandchild so that means she'll get more.
I guess I'm just not holding my breath for this years birthday. My parents are in NM, so they probably won't be visiting. Andrew's parents aren't planning on being up just because it's so close to Thanksgiving and we are coming down for that. Probably won't do my birthday at Thanksgiving anyway. It's just a birthday, but it's my day. I've always thought of my birthday as my special day. Seems no one else sees it that way. The church even made a big to-do about Andrew's birthday and Nadia's, even threw her a big party. I don't think anyone knows my birthday. I keep telling Andrew I want to go out for dinner on my birthday, get something nice and I want just one piece of cake for my birthday. I do want a present (you who are married know you have to spell this out for your hubby.) And one of my love languages is gifts. I'm sorry, but it just is. And maybe this is just one big pity party, but this is my personal soap box so I can say it if I want to. I just needed to get that out. And maybe I'm just being hormonal. I dunno.
Anyway, we celebrated Andrew's birthday, I gave him a homemade vest that turned out exceptionally well. I was also able to get up the quilted window coverings in Nadia's room. They are basically the size of a lap quilt, but it holds the heat in and cold out much better than what we can buy with the money we have. Plus they look cute. I am pleased. We have just one paned windows in the house that don't seal very well. The guest room has one window that actually has a breeze coming in when it's shut. The church plans on replacing the windows next spring. So one winter is all we need to, um, winter.
Then two weeks later we had Andrew's installation, his parents were up for that. Andrew is now the official pastor at our church. It was a joyous day. I made Sweet Vanilla Challah. A celebration bread, that I thought was very appropriate.
Then last weekend my brother got married to a wonderful young woman. (I can say that, she's one year younger than me.) The wedding was beautiful. Andrew did the pictures for it, I watched Nadia. My father married them and my mother did the music. It was a definite family affair. I am proud to have Heather as a SIL. I pray this marriage lasts. Both my brother and Andrew's have or are going through a divorce. Divorce is nasty. I don't like it. I pray for peace, growth and commitment in this marriage. Heather seems better for John. I can only hope they have Christ as their center.
My parents visited with us after the wedding for a few days. That was nice. They hadn't seen our home yet and it was nice to have them visit for a while. Nadia enjoyed having them around. I did to. Although I do notice my mother going the way of my grandmother. My full-blooded Russian grandmother was found miles away from her home, lost and unable to get home by a state trooper. She has since been put in a nursing home, in the Alzheimer's ward, where she cannot get out. I do not have a good relationship with my grandmother. Boys were everything in her book. I was always fat. When my mom and dad went to visit her, my mother could not find one picture of herself amongst my grandmothers pictures. How sad. There was one little picture of John and I. It's so strange. Because with both of my grandmothers, my family was the ones that were around them and helped them the most. Now when the chips are down (I'm not talking money either) they want nothing to do with us! I don't understand it. At any rate, I feel convicted that I need to visit my grandmother. She's going downhill fast. I wonder if she'll even recognize me. The last she saw I was still very overweight. I might still be in her eyes. (I was able to fit into a size 10 jeans yesterday and that was pre-period!) But I am going to go. I am taking my husband, I am taking my daughter. And I will leave if she starts to pick on any of us. There is no need for that. I will do what I need to do. So that was up until today.
My heart has been contemplating circumcision. Not for me, but for any future boys we might have. I was really stark about getting it done, but once I saw one done on a little boy, I had a hard time justifying something that scripture says we no longer need to do. Did you know that the circumcision they do to day is not the circumcision they performed in the old testament? In the OT they just snipped the small part of the foreskin that protruded from the end of the penis. Not this whole taking off of the foreskin. Andrew is reconsidering it, having it done the old way, but I want nothing to do with it. I cannot in good conscious do something that scripture says we don't need to do. My mother heart cringes for boys we do not have. Maybe I won't have to make that decision, maybe we'll have all girls. Chances are though, we'll have at least one. At any rate, I've been struggling with that and really questioning it. If you have any insights I'd love to hear them.
Well I think I've made up for my long silence. Blessings to you

Friday, October 05, 2007

My Journey Part 1

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I've been inspired to write about my weight loss journey. I figure I'll start from the beginning. I was always overweight. I mean, I was born at an average weight, but when you grow up on a farm where there are meat and potatoes for much of the meals in your formative years, one can only guess that you'll put on a few pounds. I was pleasingly plump when I was young. I would go to gramma's house, who always had soda, ice cream, cookies and whole milk for our snacks. I can't remember healthy snacks like banana's, or apples being around. It was always a huge bowl of ice cream. With Hershey's syrup dribbled on top. It was good. I loved it.
Now keep in mind, I did grow up on a farm. We did have fresh veggies in the summer, that we ate in abundance. Towards the end of the summer every night was corn on the cob (slathered in butter) and sliced tomatoes (with my mom's homemade mayo on top, like .5 cup of oil in each batch). During the winter there was my gramma's scalloped potatoes, apple pies, mac n cheese (oh, I'd break my diet for a dish of that right now, there are some things worth the calories!) and other assundry items. Eating at my house and my gramma's house was good. Too good. My the time I was in 3rd grade I weighed 100lbs. I still remember being in the nurses office with my class and the nurse shouting the weight across the room to the teacher over everyone's head. Humiliating. Anyway. I was big.
Most of my pictures, when I was young, I was overweight. My brother made fun of me. My maternal grandmother made fun of me. She once called me a tub of lard. That hurt. It still does. One of the reasons I can't bring up the gumption to go see her. Even though she's only 3 hours away. But yet, she'd call me fat and then turn around and feed me, stuff me full of food, feel my stomach to make sure it was full. I never understood her philosophy of eating and being fat.
When I was 7 or 8, my mom got on a real health kick. I mean, it was extreme. The thing is, she's never gotten off of it. She put my brother and me on an extreme diet. Sugars, white flours, dairy, basically all of the food groups we ate were cut out of our diet. It put strain on our family, strain on our budget (health food is expensive! and even more so 20 years ago), a strain on my parents marriage. And nevermind, we didn't eat that way when we went to gramma's. We'd sneak back and eat cookies, candy and ice cream. And my gramma would say 'you daren't (have you heard that word in a while?) have that, but here you go'. Completely usurping my mother's rule. I can see why that relationship is strained now.
There was one extreme diet that my mom had us on, it was so low cal it's not funny. I lost so much weight being on it. I have one picture of me, thin, in my childhood and its from that picture.
The thing about those diets were that, my brother and I cheated every moment we got. And we went overboard. We ate more than what we probably would've if we would've been allowed a treat every now and then. I can remember hiding icing containers under my dresser in my room and sitting in the privacy of my room, eating finger full after finger full of icing. Disgusting. How shameful.
So that was my childhood, basically. I was heavy, my mother put us on diets and I still really never learned how to eat right, or how to stay at a good weight. I learned extremes in eating. And those lessons served me for a long time.