Friday, June 25, 2010


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I should've seen this one coming. I mean, it's the way God works, isn't it?

I'm reading a book. Hah! I'm reading several, but the one that has my attention at this moment is You Can Still Wear Cute Shoes by Lisa McKay. It's a book of advice for pastors wives. (mini review) Very good and great advice. I should say though, I am at a very rare, but blessed spot to be in. Our church has two older pastors wives who's husbands have retired (or gone on) from the ministry. I'm sure they'd have a thing or two to share! But anyway, check out the book, ladies, if you are needing some advice as your roll as a PW, or laypeople to understand your ministry couple. I digress.

I read a quote that comforts me from my previous post Letting Go.
God will not allow even an ounce of pain if He doesn't intend for it to produce pounds and pounds of cure. 
We also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope.  (Rom. 5:3-4)
 My husband has also been taking our church through the life of Joseph and our church is going to see a wonderful play on the life of Joseph tomorrow.  We were discussing his recent sermons and the scripture came up:
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.(Gen 50:20)

See I know these things, but I guess I forget.  Because I needed another lesson.  And this is all so very comforting.  It redeems it.  Something that hurts my heart so very badly can/could be used to give others hope.  Oh Lord let it be so.  Please use my hurt to heal.

Just had to share my insight with you.  Have a blessed day.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Mira lo que hice!

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I made tortillas tonight! I feel so accomplished! I mean, come on, I'm a Pennslyvania Dutch girl, who milked cows, ate pig stomach (ew), and know's that pot pie is not the stuff with the crust on top! I made tortillas! And they were good. Not just good, but great! My family loved them. I don't think I'll ever go back to store bought again. Here are some pics:

The whole process is really easy.  If you have a kitchenaid it's super easy.  Mix it up, let it rest, separate into balls, rest, roll, cook.  That's it!

Here's the ball

Here is the rolled out uncooked tortilla.  You know I always use the other side of this block for shaping bread and completely forgot the other side had all these markings on it.  I was looking around for a ruler when the light went on over my head.  *Ding!*  Aha!  I have markings on the other side.  Woohoo! 
This is the tortilla on the hot iron skillet all hot and bubbly ready to flip.

Flipped tortilla.  (each side only takes about 20-30 seconds, depending on how hot your skillet is)

And the yummy results!  These were thick, fluffy and very malleable, which is nice, say for Fish Tacos (which we had for supper tonight!)

The whole family enjoyed them, so I think I'll be making them again.  The best thing about them is, that they were not made with lard or shortening.  Just 2 tsps of vegetable oil.  I used olive and they turned out great.  And you can sub a cup of whole wheat flour in to make them more healthy, which I did and they were still great.  Woohoo!

And as promised, a link to the recipe.  I love the name of this blog Homesick Texan

Enjoy and let me know if you try them!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Of Late...

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First all I want to thank those who encouraged me with your comments. Your insights have helped me to see things in a different light. Yes, sometimes I do take too much on myself and not trust the Lord enough to believe He knows what He's doing. I need to work on that, but it is comforting to know He has her in the palm of His hand. He put her with me for His good purposes and I do trust that. So thank you, I do appreciate it.

Things have been busy of late. This past week was VBS at church and it went great! This was the first year we did rotational or station method and I loved it! It was also the first year I did crafts and loved it. We did Groups High Seas Expedition. It was very good. I loved the focus on God's Word, since I believe He has put a passion in me for His word and that all Christians would feast upon His word. It was a great week, but very busy. I'm tired.

And requests for my bread and cinnamon rolls have picked up. I made 12 some loaves last week, and 11 or 12 rolls this week with 4 dozen cinnamon rolls. It was a doozie of a week! I finally made out a sheet listing what I bake, which is good. I had people asking and asking for it. I so needed to get that done. I will be posting, as I get time, my recipes.

Whoops, Rhys is melting down. I'd better go help Andrew. Will continue this later!

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Letting Go.

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Ok, so I'm going to talk more about 'it'. The big, pink, elephant that sits in the middle of the room that I have to walk around everyday. The elephant that I'm usually able to cover up and ignore and for the most part not know is there. But then sometimes, the cover slips off and whoops! there he is! Stinker. Thought I was done with you. Thought I got rid of you. Thought you were gone. Now here you are. What am I supposed to do with you!? Stupid elephant.
It's all the PPD crap. I don't suppose I talk about this a whole lot. I don't feel like I can. I mean, Rhys is almost 2 years old and Nadia is almost 5, I should be over this by now. I should be 'healed' and moved on. But for whatever reason I'm not. And it's hurting today, so here I am. And if you don't want to read about it, then don't, but I need to vent. And maybe, somewhere out there some woman needs to hear this. Maybe not, but this is therapy, kay?
Everyday that my son and daughter show signs of growing (which happens to be everyday lately!) I am reminded that my time in the 'baby-zone' is quickly coming to an end. Nadia is almost ready to start school. Rhys is talking more and more and initiating conversation more. He's starting to 'go' in the potty, not regularly, mind you, but still. He's using a fork and spoon and starting to nurse not as long. He's slowly becoming a big boy. Which is good, but it's also sad. I am grateful I had Rhys' baby-hood to enjoy. I am sad that I can't remember much of Nadia's.
I am so scared I messed that girl up. I was paranoid most of the time with her. I would try to force her to nurse more because I thought that if she ate more, she'd sleep better. And if her sleep was messed up, I was messed up. I could not stand to hear her cry before she 'should've'. Whatever. I now know that babies don't read the books. They don't know they are supposed to sleep such and such times. Poor girl. I read Baby-Wise. And if I ever meet the man who wrote that, I think I'll loose it. Maybe I'd just better steer clear of him.
I really do believe that the sad patterns I formed with Nadia when I was so sick with PPD have made our relationship what it is today. And behaviors in relationships are habits. It's hard to get out of them once they are established. It's easier to let a boulder roll then it is to stop it. My grief now is that all of Nadia's life has been a battle for her. I hate that. And it's not her! It's me. It was me in the beginning and it's me perpetuating those patterns. Here's what it is, before you go thinking I'm an awful parent. I did not feel a connection with Nadia at all when she was born, not the day she was born, not 3 months later, not even at 1 year. I struggled to feel those gooshy, lovey, affectionate feelings for her. And to this day, when I do feel those, they are so few and far between, that I consider them a blessing. Rhys is different, everyday I feel it for him. But I have to choose to love Nadia. I have to choose to spend time with her. I have to choose to be nice and kind to her. Grace is not a given in our relationship. This is everyday. I hate it. It is exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I do love her, I know that. I know I love her, because I want to love her, I want to care for her, I want her to grow up feeling loved. If I didn't love her I wouldn't care what she felt. But I do. And I worry that she doesn't feel loved. I work everyday on that. But I have a sneaky suspicion that it all started back when she was born and the PPD hit. Because I started to have the same feelings after Rhys was born and the PPD started in, but when I started the meds those negative feelings changed towards him.
I see myself getting farther and farther away from baby-hood and it saddens me. I can see myself wanting another baby and forgetting just how bad it was with Rhys. I know people say I could go on meds at the end of the pregnancy and be fine. Sure, I guess. But do they really know what those drugs do to babies? Short-term? What about in the long run? They don't. And what if this time the drugs aren't enough? Sure they helped this time, but it gets worse each time. What if next time I go off? I loose it? What then? Sometimes it hurts that I've made a decision because of a sickness to be done, not because I feel done. Am I really done because our family is complete? Or because this sinister demon is looming in the background everytime? I don't know. I can't really say because PPD is a big factor. I will never really know what it's like to be a normal post-pardum mother. Baby blues would be nice. I think I could handle that. This junk that I dealt with is nasty. It's craptacular as a boss of mine used to say.
I'm not saying I want more babies, I guess this is just part of the process. And you know what really irritates me? That other people are trying to get me to have more. They won't suffice with a simple, no we're done. It's like I have to lay it all out there, all the gory details, then they let me alone. But it's not their fault, they don't know, mostly because I've only told a few people close to me. So I don't blame them. But unless you've been there, you'll never understand what it's like. PPD is nasty. This helps to let go.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Just Because....

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Just because I don't post many pics...

Just because I'm so proud of today's accomplishments...

Just because I can....
Yes, that's 10 loaves of bread.  Whole wheat, Whole wheat Oatmeal, White and Raisin.  And strawberry freezer jam.  It's been a busy day. 

I'm planning on making more freezer jam tomorrow.  I only bought one box of Sure-Jell.  My grocer was having a great sale on ripe strawberries, so I bought em up.  Now I've got to do em up.  And I found out that you can mix blueberries and strawberries.  A lady from church gave me frozen blueberries from her bushes and I was trying to figure out just how to use them up, well now I know!  I'm also planning on doing up mango jam.  My kids love mangoes and it seems they are always on sale, so....  This freezer jam stuff is great!

Note: Notice the three loaves that are shorter than all the rest?  My yeast must've been bad.  I used the last of my yeast in that batch, it was the first of the day and then had to run out and buy more and those rose beautifully!  I couldn't figure it out.  So I'm hoping the SAF yeast I ordered comes tomorrow and works as well as they say it does.  The other yeast was from Sam's Club.  I guess it's no good.