Friday, April 07, 2006

Here I sit. My fingers are a wreck and there is an irate baby. She should've been asleep an hour ago, but rather she just fell asleep.

I hate daylight savings.

So do I just go with it and let her sleep till she wakes up, or do I just wake her up at 10am, to try to set a schedule? Before I could just lay her down and she'd sleep for an hour. Morning nap was the easiest. The afternoon one was the problem. Now it's the opposite. She'll sleep for two hours for her afternoon nap and the morning nap is just terrible.

I hate daylight savings.

I am so tempted to try that Sweet Sleep Tincture that Maggie has for her boys. Nights aren't a problem, it's the day sleep that we have issue with. At least we didn't, but now we do.

I hate daylight savings.

I was trying to control myself. It is so hard sometimes. She's supposed to wake up in 15 minutes, I want to cry. I hate this sometimes. Sometimes all of this just feels so helpless, so hopeless. I know God is with me, but I feel like I'm doing this all by myself. No one else fields the burden for this but me. It's my job.

I hate daylight savings and sometimes, just sometimes, I hate how things turn out. I have no control over this and no wisdom in this matter. Sometimes I consider a hormonal birth control because I know the havoc it wreaks on my body and I would have trouble getting pregnant, because I don't want to get pregnant. At least not now.

My fingers look terrible and they hurt. I am waiting to do work, but can get nothing done until it is sent to me. So I can wait here until I get my baby up. My baby. Is she really anyone elses? Does anyone else REALLY know what I go through? Does anyone REALLY care? Probably not.

I worry that this will continue until my in laws visit next week. I am so afraid they will critique what I am doing and give 'suggestions'. I don't need more suggestions. I don't need more advice. I just need support. This is not the way I envisioned motherhood to be. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be like this. This is a different kind of hard.

Lord help me.


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