PPD In Review

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My heart is heavy with this subject. I've been pondering it for weeks. I've been wanting to blog about it for some time, but I just haven't had the gumption to do it yet. But I need to get it out. It's eating me up inside.

Post labor with Nadia

It seems that my life took a swing, a twist, got bunched up the day Nadia was born. I had had 20 hours of hard labor, a placenta that fell to pieces and the dr had to manually get out and I believe I hemorrhaged. My bp was 80/50. I was seeing the visual aura I usually see before a migraine off and on for about 24 hours after she was born. It was bad. I plummeted, physically, mentally. I hit rock bottom. And I had a newborn to care for. I believe the PPD hit me before I left the hospital. I did not feel like myself at all, no baby-lovely feeling time ever. I struggled to feel something for her. To this day I am ashamed to say that. I didn't feel like myself until she turned a year old.
I used to tell myself that I loved her because I cared for her needs, but I didn't feel anything. I hated that. I felt horrible about it. And I felt alone. I felt so alone I thought I was going to implode. The anxiety, the fear, the sadness and the loneliness were so crushing.
The time after I have a baby is so surreal. I feel sort of lightheaded, like everything is swirling around me and I'm just kinda there. I hate that.

The way Nadia and I's relationship started has bled into our relationship today. I still struggle with feeling close to her, with having a bond. I have to work at it. I love her, I do. But it's not like I see with other mothers and their children.

Post labor with Rhys

So naturally when I got pregnant with Rhys I was scared. I did research. I thought maybe the PPD with Nadia was just circumstantial. It might not come back. My midwife told me the supplements to take to help since I was already at risk. He was born on Saturday. I had the euphoria, the baby-loveliness, the high that a lot of women feel and that I didn't with Nadia. But by Friday I could feel the blanket already being pulled over my head. Dread filled me, I knew IT had found me again. I called my midwife. She checked in on me every other day and by the next week she urged me to see a dr to seek medicinal care. I did. I should've seen a woman. Stupid dr.
It took time for the Zoloft to kick in. During that time I can remember the anxiety, the fear. I remember sitting in Rhys' chair in his room holding him and bawling. I remember Nadia standing tentatively behind the door frame, scared, asking what was wrong. How do you explain depression to a toddler? I remember wanting to hurt my children. Oh I am so ashamed to say that. My precious, precious babies. I can remember fantasizing on hurting myself. I remember thinking that my family, my husband would be better off without a lunatic wife to have to worry about. I believe the hand of God stayed me. He carried me through the first time and He carried me through the second time. Oh I was on drugs and I believe He used that to help me. But it was Him.
I will never forget the crushing fear and the overwhelming loneliness that comes with this. It was bad with Nadia and it got worse with Rhys. From what I read it does that. It's for this reason we have decided we are done. And for that reason I grieve. Oh I don't want to be pregnant again. I live in fear monthly that just 'one' broke through. I don't breathe again until I start. I suppose being done would be easier to accept if I had known Rhys would have been my last when I was pregnant with him. This decision came out of necessity. My children's dr and a good friend of mine both say I probably had Postpartum Psychosis. What would happen next time? Maybe I'd end up in the hospital. Maybe I'd be dead. I read up a lot on Andrea Yates. When she did this to her children I was younger and thought, along with alot of other people, how could she do this? Now, I see how she could do this. She wasn't in her right mind. She was sick. For the first time in my life I've made a decision based on a limitation. I feel like PPD has won. Perhaps that's why I grieve.
This weighs so heavily on me. I feel cheated. I feel like something I was supposed to have was taken from me. Now my relationship with my daughter is tainted because of it and I hate that. I just weaned off my meds and I'm glad for that. Rhys will be one in a month and I feel good. Probably better than I've ever felt in my life. Healthy in body and mind. But I am still sad. So sad over this. I suppose this is therapy. Thanks for listening.

Nary a Post

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Ok so I know I never blog anymore. Sorry. I am still here. We are getting ready for our big trip out west. I can't wait. We leave Sunday and will be gone for over a week. Please pray for us as we lug two kids and tons of luggage around numerous airports.

I have a list of blog subjects I want to talk about, and I will, as soon as we get back. I promise. I hope your summers are winding down well. I can't believe how fall-like it is right now. I'm making lentil soup tonight for supper.

Love to you all!

Another Blog to Check Out

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I ran across another sewing blog. This woman is amazing. You gotta check it out.

ikat bag

Tons of tutorials for little girls and stuff like that. I can't believe this woman does it all with no patterns, well, bought patterns. I aspire.

My New Skirt! And a Surprise!

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I wanted to show off my newest sewing creation. I wanted a nice, comfortable skirt for traveling when we go to see my parents in New Mexico next month. I found a tutorial here and used it. I thought this would be great, since I have tons of little bit of this and that for fabric and thought I could use it up. So this is what I came up with.


And while we were away at the capitol this week I decided to finally get it. I got my nose pierced. To answer your question: Yes it hurt. Nothing like labor. But it still hurt. I love it. Not many from church have seen it, but tomorrow I am taking lunch for a work day, so I'm sure it will get exposure. It doesn't hurt much anymore, only when I wiggle my nose, just a little twinge. I am being very good about the care, I don't want an infection. But I'm curious, for those of you who have it, how long did it take to heal? And mine is just a tad pink, was yours like that for a while? I mean, it's not hot, or oozing, so I figure it's just working on healing. How did you care for it? So at any rate, I love it, am going to keep it. It commemorates my weight loss. YAY me!!

By the way, it was sort of a God thing. The guy who did it was a hard core Christian. We got to talking about that sort of stuff. I wonder how many pastors wives he's had come through there. I forgot to tip him, what do you tip a piercer?

Let me know what you think!

Happy Birthday!

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Happy Birthday Nadia!!


Can you believe she's four?

New Blog to Check Out

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In my quest to make my own tiered skirt I came across a beautiful blog. This young woman is quite the writer, seamstress and also a woman of God. I encourage you to check out her blog. She has a great tutorial for a tiered skirt, of which I am making at the moment. I'll show pics of that when it's done. However, do please visit A Maiden's Musings. I think you'll enjoy!

Insert Choice Title Here

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There are so many titles I could put for this post, so I'll just let you put one in there yourself.

Rhys slept ALL. STINKIN. NIGHT. I feel so happy, blessed, energetic. He usually would get up around 11pm, nurse, and go right back to bed. Then he'd get up early morning, like 4ish. And go right back to bed. Well the past couple of nights he'd pushed his first feeding to 1am, then 2am. Then he just dropped the second feeding and was getting up once. I'm not holding my breath though, because I had to wake him up from all his naps yesterday. He was just a sleepy boy. I think he's growing. So he might go back to getting up again and that's ok. This is the point where I did controlled crying with Nadia, but I just don't have the heart to do it with Rhys. So I won't, at least not yet. And that's ok. I know that if he did it once, he can do it again when he's ready. He's my last baby, I want to enjoy all the baby/nursing/bonding moments I have with him. And as long as I'm getting sleep why should I force him to go through that?

Anyway, it's a good day. I even woke up before he woke up. Wow.

Little Weight Loss Joys #3

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Yesterday I was walking through our annual street fair with a friend from Ohio. This particular friend has seen me at almost my highest weight. Everybody else in our little town has not. A lady who comes to our church when she is visiting her mother in law was there. She saw me and exclaimed "hey there skinny mini!" I have never, ever in my life been called that. I've been called a lot of other things, but never skinny mini. It's a first. And it was nice. She's only ever seen me as heavy as after I had Rhys. What she didn't know is that I had been much much heavier. And what was really weird is that she herself is thin. I can't believe I'm being classified with the skinnies. How cool is that?

Can't Loose Cankles

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I was watching the Early Show this morning while I was doing my 200 Squat Challenge (more on that later) and they had a segment on Cankles (remember my previous post?). They said that the only way to get rid of cankles is surgery. That's a load of hooey. Now maybe for this woman, I mean she was fairly thin all over, but the other pictures of women with cankles they were showing were heavier women. Exercise would probably help in most situations. I find it irritating and depressing that the only way they are saying you can get rid of fat is to cut it off! Now there are sometimes I'd like to do that and I can remember my mother actually saying that, but I'm not going to put myself through an elective surgery just for looks. No way. That's asking for trouble.

And another thing, do you know what irritates me about those shots of heavy people? They never show their faces. Now they probably do that because of the lawsuit factor there. But it makes those people seem nothing more than the excess weight they carry. It irritates me. And why do they feel the need to film heavy people at all? Can't they just show the announcer talking or something? Or show medical pics of the area or whatever? Grrrr. I realize that a lot of people who have excess weight is their fault and they need to do something about it, but still it's irritating.

I'm off my soapbox now.

By the way, have you heard of Turbo Jam? I just tried it this morning. I LOVED it! It was so much fun! And different. I was getting tired of Jillian. I figured that if I was getting bored mentally, I might be getting bored physically. Time to mix it up. I'll still do the Shred, but not everyday. This DVD has 5 different workouts. YAY! Never get used to it.

Now to go eat and mow the lawn. yay.

Little Weight Loss Joys #2

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For the longest time in my life I had cankles. Those ugly, tree-like impostors for ankles. Yuk. I would wear heels in high school to give myself the appearance of ankles. I mean, this was not reserved for pregnancy, no I had them day in and day out. My wonderful best friend felt the need to point this out to me. Nice, thank you. I used to admire other women's ankles, just because they had them. I would think how nice that inner bone sticking out was.

Well now I can admire my own. I finally have ankles. Nice ankles. I have the prominent bone on the outside and even a nice little bone sticking out on the inner ankle. I, finally my friends, have ankles. And for that I am happy. It's small, but it's a step.

Pardon Me...

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The idea for this post has been rolling around in my mind for a long time. It's sort of an embarrassing issue, maybe for some, but I think you can handle it.

It's about underwear.

Now I realize that some of you are already moving your little white arrow to the 'X' at the top of the screen to shut me out, but but but! Give me a minute, hear me out, I'm not going that embarrassing.

Here's the dealio, for a long time I was brand loyal to Victoria's Secret. When I had lost enough weight to finally fit in a pair I only bought undies from them. It was something in my mind that if I wore from that store I mustn't be as fat as I thought I was. Whatever. But I discovered that even though they were a bit more expensive than my previous brand from Wally World, they lasted FOREVER. I mean I had pairs for 5 years before I forced myself to throw them out. Nary a snag, hole, tear or fading. They remained fabulous throughout the entire time I owned them. Then about, oh, a few months ago I decided that I had had enough of buying into the hype, I was who I was no matter what underwear I wore and I went back to Hanes. Lemmee tell ya, they tore after just two washings. I was miffed.

All that to say, I've gone back to VS. I don't like the way they portray women in their catalogs, stores and website. But I have to hand it to them, they've got the market on underwear (bras are a different story. To me, a bra is meant to hold me in, you know, I want to be able to bend down to pick up my son without having to adjust afterward. That's annoying. Women move, VS bras are meant for women who sit around and do nothing. That's not me. Anyway.) But I'd like to know, do you know of a brand that does stay together fairly well? I mean they don't need to last 5 years, but at least 1 year would be nice. I was so irritated that I wasted money on underwear that fell apart so soon.

There I said it. I got it off my chest, oo, bad verbiage there. Well you know what I mean. That wasn't so bad, now was it? :)

Randomly Not Here

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I am here, but not here. That means, I am active, not sick, busily running around, but not blogging lately. So, feeling bad for the small, very small following of followers that I have, I'll blog for you. Isn't it nice to be thought of?

My garden has reached the minimal weedage stage. I love this stage. It seems in the spring I could weed all four gardens and need to do it at the end of that same week. It's ridiculous. Then around this time the weeds sort of give up on trying to take over my garden and only the few tenacious ones refuse to give up the ghost. It's nice. I can sort of take my time on weeding. The only reason I like to weed is the same reason I like to mow...expenditure of calories. If I didn't have just a few pounds to go to my goal weight, I would chuck both and do them a whole lot less. Of course the garden and the yard would look disastrous, so I suppose it's a good thing.

I have been stuck at the same fluctuating 4 pounds for about a month now. Really, since about April. Yuck. I get down, really low to 157, then I sort of wiggle back and forth to 161, much to my dismay. But I am noticing a change in the mirror. I look more toned and I feel stronger, so I know change is happening, even if the scale isn't reflecting that change. I know eventually it has to come off, but I believe it may have something to do with nursing. I wonder if my body is sort of holding onto the last few pounds in favor of nourishing the baby. And that's ok. I am slowly getting more and more comfortable with being at this weight. For some reason, though, I hate seeing 160. I'm much happier at 157, and I know it's only a 3lb difference but it makes all the difference for me in my day. I know that's bad, and I'm working at changing that, but mindsets take time. I would've given anything to weigh 160 when I weighed 280. What am I griping about? Someone slap me. I guess it's the idea of it all. When I'm so close to being 'normal'. 154. That's all. I'd settle, right there. That would be a healthy weight for me, normal on all the charts. Someone pray that for me? Will you? Pray I make it there. Just 4 (right now) more pounds. And I'll stop. I'll be content. But perhaps it's the mind that needs to change. *sigh*

Rhys is pulling himself up on things left and right. Last night he was standing in a dry tub holding on the edge, just so happy about it! He crawls to who he wants to have hold him and he is usually held by more men in our church than women. Which I think is awesome. It's one of the only times I actually see their guard fall and it's sweet. These big, burly, tough men, cooing and playing and blowing raspberries much to the delight of a sweet baby boy. And he enjoys them. Never once have I had a man refuse to hold Rhys. It's adorable. There is something about a man holding a baby.

I got the book about raising spirited children and I also got a book by Dr. Lehman that's much more enjoyable to read. So I read it first. *blush* That's all I'll say. I figure if that is in place and going well, parenting should go much better.

And Rachel, it looks as if I won't be able to get my nose pierced. I'm still nursing and I would squirm like a worm on a hook to lie about it. I guess we can still ask, as I don't have a problem with getting it done while nursing, I just have a problem with lying about it. Of course, those who might do it, might have less than ideal scruples and therefore less than ideal piercing standards. I should probably nix the idea till Rhys is weaned. BUT, I will so go with you to get yours done! Don't let me stop you!

Well the lawn needs mowed and I have calories to burn. *sigh* Somedays I wish I could just eat whatever I wanted and laid around and do nothing. Eat everything and do nothing. Sounds like a vacation! Heck, that'll be our 10th anniversary. And no conception of children, thank you very much. We are done. But that's another post.

Later!

Emily Post Was Out...

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I need your advice. I am having a couple couples over (yes you read that right) for dinner in a few weeks. These are totally awesome people and one of the ladies, when I invited her and her husband, offered to bring something. I didn't ask, but she offered, so I said, sure, how about dessert. Well, now I'm concerned that if she shows up with something and the others don't, that the others will feel awkward. Should I mention to the others that this other lady is bringing something, and that I don't care if they don't bring something, but if they would like to bring something they may? What would you do?

Little Weight Loss Joys

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I've been changing my mindset about this whole weightloss thing. I've been looking to the last 13lbs that I want to come off. I've been badgering myself, beating myself and just generally down about the whole thing. And ya know what? I've lost 122lbs. That's a lot of weight. I need to re-focus on what I have done. So when I see one, I am going to post little weight loss joys to remind myself that I have come a long way, even if those last 13lbs never come off.

So here is my one for today:

I can wrap a bath towel (and not a bath sheet, just a regular towel) the WHOLE way around my body and it covers everything from pits to thighs. Before I might be able to cover my chest. Now I can cover everything. That's just cool.

Nephew and Cousins

Over the Independence Day weekend I had the opportunity to meet my new nephew! This is the boy that made me an aunt. I'm so honored. His name is Ivan and he looks just like my brother and Dad. He's a cutie. Enjoy some pics of the kids.

Nose Piercing Update

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I've gotten a lot of comments on the nose piercing thing, so I thought I'd make my 'comments' right here.

Yes, Andrew approves. I suppose he sees it as the lesser of two evils. He knows how much I want a tattoo. I've wanted one for years, but this is something he's putting his foot down. That makes him sound bad and really he's not like that. There is very little he just says no to without discussion. So I respect that. And I think because this is totally reverse-able he's for it.

Now I'll only be getting this if I get down to 145, so it could be a while yet, seeing as how I only loose like 2lbs a month now. Grrr. I found a place locally that looks reputable to get it done, so maybe this winter. It would be great if it could coincide with my 30th birthday. Sort of poetic.

Rachel, I'll tell you what, if I get my nose pierced, you get your belly button pierced. If we still lived in the same town, I'd say lets do it together. You know what? We could do it this summer when the commission meets! What do you think? I guess I could fudge a bit on the weight goal, sort of a preemptive reward. (Heck, as if 120+ pounds isn't enough for a celebration, I don't know what is!)

Yes, Sandy send me pics, especially of the ones that aren't as noticeable.

One other question I have, I know while it's healing you can't take it out, do they have piercing studs that aren't as noticeable from the beginning?

Oh and how much did it cost?

Thanks ladies for all the support!

Nose Piercing

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I have been toying with the idea of getting a nose piercing for some time now. In fact, I'd rather do that than go Goodwilling. But, being the cautious one that I am, I am really weighing this before I just go and shove a poker through my nose.

Do you have one? Know anyone close to you that has one? Remember I am a pastors wife and I don't know how the church will react. This is a backwoodsy, down-home sort of place and I can just imagine the reactions.

What do you think?

30 Day Shred - Day 7

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Just so I remember where I am at, I completed Day 7 of the 30 Day Shred. It's still tough, but I notice little changes. Like I am able to actually kick my butt on the butt kicks and the jumping jacks are a little smoother, more graceful. So I'm getting better. Wow, I can't believe I've made it a week, with no breaks! Now on my 'usual' days off, I just do the shred and the walk to the post office (we live in podunk and have to get our mail at the post office everyday. It's a mile walk round trip so it's ok.) and no other working out. Well, I do also do some work in the garden, so I'm staying active but no extra planned working out.

I think I'll be ready to move on to the next level in a day or so. Woohoo!

Brutal Honesty

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Nadia gets my mothers knack for honesty.

We were lounging around in the kiddie pool this afternoon, just her and I, having a good time cooling off. She braced herself with her hand on my thigh to get up and noted: "Mama, you're squishy!"
"Yes, yes I am. But you are too, you are squishy on your butt and your cheeks. Everyone is squishy."
"Why are you squishy Mama?"
"It's called fat, Nadia. Everyone has some. Even Papa, even Rhys. Everyone has fat."
"Rhys' butt is squishy, my butt is squishy. I'm a little squishy, but you are A LOT squishy."

Thanks Nadia for that reminder. *sigh*

It's All Tammy's Fault!

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Ok, so I had been following Tammy's 30 Day Shred reviews for a while now and thought "nah, this can't be as hard as she says it is. And I'm in GOOD shape, this isn't hard enough for me." I even went to Collage Video's and watched excerpts of it and still wasn't convinced. Well, I WAS WRONG. So wrong. So so wrong.

We have Netflix, which is a nice way to rent vidoes by the way, and I saw that I could get the 30 Day Shred, so I thought I'd at least see the whole thing. Hey, it would be nice to do something different, even if it was boring. Hah! Again, I was wrong.

I got the DVD today and sat down to view it. I always view my workouts before I do them, that way I have a heads up on what's happening, it helps me to perform better. While I was folding laundry, I noticed these ladies were sweating only 10 minutes into the workout. I thought "why are they sweating already? I mean, they haven't done that much" But it looked like fun and I was eager to do a workout tonight so I decided to do it. Here I sit, 30 minutes later, sweaty, hurting, but so so happy about this workout! It is exactly what I needed! It CHALLENGES me. I needed something to challenge me. I'm hoping this works. I plan on doing it everyday as they say to and see how it goes. I do plan on walking afterwards, just for like 15 mins or so, just to get outside by myself and get some sun. This is an excellent workout people, I highly recommend it. Try it, you won't regret it.