I do believe spring has finally sprung!! Nadia and I took a walk today. It was beautiful! I had her in a sling, which I have been using more and more these days. I was even able to hang her diapers out on the line (and I even had her in the sling while doing it, I'm becoming quite the mother).

We have decided to put another garden in this year. We weren't going to, because of not knowing how long we'd be here, but after thinking about it, we'd probably get some use out of it. So I am planting arugula, mesculun, spinach, onions, carrots, basil, thyme (a personal fave), tomatoes, squash, cilantro, parsley, lettuce and some other things I can't think of. I think I've sent hubby over the edge. We said, we said, we were going to put in a small garden. Well, yes, we are, smaller than last year. And who will be doing the gardening? Hmmm, Hmmm???? Me. Yes, that's right. I'm adding another thing to my job description. Gardener. Hopefully that $75 freezer is good and we will be able to put up some of this stuff. I'm hoping so!! It would be nice to get a food dehydrator too.

Irritated baby calling. First responder here. Yup, that's me.

Sometimes I get so frustrated. I am the only one who has to deal with her. Hubby doesn't do much of what I do. Sure he changes diapers and crap like that but most of the time it's me. I'm doing it all. I'm on call all the time and I don't get to sleep through the night like he does. Heck, he even gets to take naps. Great for him. But who really needs it more? Me or him. He has to go to work, what an excuse. I know he has to, but still I get so frustrated. Nothing is ever the same, but yet it's the same old struggle. I've been so good with it too, but just today is a hard day. Only 45min naps and fussy fussy fussy. Cry when I put her down, cry to go somewhere else, cry to change a diaper. But tired, but won't sleep. GRRRRRRR.

I am going to sew diapers for her. That should be fun.

I think I read fiction to escape. Is that wrong?

And then he is late for lunch today. Yeah, like my schedule can change and move to the beat of his whims. Makes me mad. Seems like no consideration for what I am doing. Yeah, I just take care of the baby, and clean, and cook, and do laundry, and change diapers, and nurse a baby, and do damage control for a baby and and and and.......... I am going to pilates tonight if it kills me.

Going lentil. Going vegetarian. I don't mind. It's cheaper and better on the waistline too. Granted there are full fatted versions of every food available, but still mostly it's low fat.

I'm half tempted just to eat without him and go. Let him feel what it's like to be at home BY YOURSELF for a while. Of course maybe he'd like it.

I'm about ready to loose it. Either he comes home or I'm outta here. Going shopping or something. I am going to give him 15 minutes and then I'm gone.

Later.

Poor little girl. Has had a diaper rash to end all diaper rashes for the past month. Over a month now. We've seen a dr. We've tried vaseline, desitin, A&D, we've tried the steriod cream and antifungal cream prescribed by the dr, but to no avail. Poor thing. I don't know what to do.

She's been falling asleep when I nurse her at night and I'm afraid that will start a new theme. I try to keep her awake, but it doesn't work. Oh well. Lord help me.

I've finished my parents curtain order. YAY! It is done! It is finished!

I made up a new concotion of teas. Chamomile, red raspberry, and mother's milk. Good for milk production, relaxation aid for both me and baby and good for the mama!

Lord heal her bottom. Help us to know what to do.

We are going to a new church tomorrow. Excited about that.

Good Day.

It was a good day yesterday. We got our taxes done and we are getting a huge tax return. YAY! I can get my packnplay and my pampered chef chopper. YAY! And we just got a huge check in the mail from my OBGYN for a refund of overpayment and so we can pay some other bills. YAY! I will be able to get a bike trailer/stroller with the refund too. I am so happy. I know most of these things are for Nadia, but hey, they are for me too. Think about it. If I'm outside because I want to be, I can put her in her packnplay. And because I'm trying to get this last 10lbs off of baby fat I can go for a walk or bike (my poor bike has been neglected for well over a year now) with her in the back. I am soooo excited about this.
It's cold here again. Sigh. But yesterday was the first day of spring and so that means there is hope that it will come. Does spring come because the calendar says it must? Or do we put a spot on the calendar to remind us that spring will come? I think it's the later.
I'm getting back to pilates tonight. I'm hoping that will help me fit into those jeans I've been missing for well over a year too. I think my hip shape has permentantly changed. Oh well. Small sacrifice for the little wonder who's finding so much facination in plastic links. She's holding them above her head and pulling with all her might. What a cutie.
I've started to 'wear' Nadia more now. She likes it and so do I. What a cool thing. I bought this sling before she was born and have only started to use it recently. It's so nice! I'm going to try to accomplish the back wear. I'll do that when hubby is around.
Oups. Nadia is wanting to eat. Then it's off to the gym.

Did you know that there are spiders in my house? Big, black, ugly, nasty spiders. Ok, he wasn't that big, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and he's probably a really nice spider, but he is black! He must have met his demise in my mop bucket. Poor thing, drowned to death. Unfortunately I mopped his nastiness all over my kitchen floor. I am walking in my stocking feet on his grossness. Ok, so he probably doesn't have many germs to share, but still even the thought of it. And worse yet, his decaying carcass is lying in the sink basket, all curled up like an arthritic hand. Ewww. I will not dispose of him. That's my husbands job. He is the slayer of bugs. I am a damsel in distress (you got that right) and he's at work. So until then I won't do anything with the sink. Ewww. Just looking at it gives me the hee-bee-gee-bee's.
Nadia isn't happy with anything today. Not playing on the floor, not eating, not sleeping, well she's sleeping. But she just isn't happy. She doesn't want down, she doesn't want held, she doesn't want slinged. Ugh. Today is one of those days. Some times I want to get that tincture, but I don't know if that is right. I mean, that would be the ultimate control over a child. I don't want to do that.
So we'll just keep plugging along.
Had to share my spider story.

My husband has discovered this blog, so now I have to be nice to him. Hi honey! ;)

Anyway. Sometimes I get discouraged at the mundaneness of it all. I'd love to just pick up and go. I'm tired of naps, tired of feedings. I want freedom! I am so pressured, so badgered to have another child. At least that's the way it feels. Sometimes I don't want to go through this again. I really don't. But then I look at my husband and don't want to let him down. And I think of my daughter growing up and not having a sibling. Is it wrong to be selfish in this matter? Especially when I am the one doing the bulk of the care? I want to be free again! To do what I want. But what would I do? I think I just need sun.

I'm going to go do dishes.

My husband says that I am busier than he is. Why would he say that? Just because I am feeding an infant every two hours, clean, cook, hold a part time job, have a sewing business, sew for my family, spend quiet time with God, exercise trying to loose baby weight. Gee, I guess he's right.
There is such a big stink about women in ministry. Women in ministry isn't the stink, it's women pastors, women preachers. Well Paul says that women will prophesy. It's just that women cannot teach men. Prophesying and teaching are two different things. First of all prophesying is speaking the truth of God for past, present and future. That's been a gift to me too. I didn't want to say that. Then teaching is instruction. That's fine. What could I teach men about being men? And what would a man teach me about being a woman? But preaching, which is speaking the truth in all times, is a viable calling to women. YAY! So I'm not off my rocker. Still waiting for my husband to say a loud 'yes'! You are called to preach. I am still waiting for myself to say that. I need to respond to another blog.
My bookbag is done.

I understand the quibble about women in ministry, but what I don't understand is the anger that some men feel about women NOT being in ministry. I don't get it. I guess there are some men who are for the women, more than the women are. I should specify. I mean, there are women in ministry and there are women in leadership in the church and there are women who preach. All of these things I feel are ok. How do I reconcile Paul's teaching? I don't know, I'm still working that out. All I know is that I am still trying to figure out my call on my life to preach. Great, there I said it. Now you know it.

On a completely different note, baby girl took great naps today. And I think it's because I wasn't all whacked out about it either. I enjoyed her today. It's amazing how just 15 minutes spent with the Lord can change my handling of a day. It's been the difference of night and day. He is changing me, and that is good. I've spent too long in anger, too long in depression, too long in my own dealings and not living free. It was for freedom he set us free. Beautiful. I have such hope that my mind cannot and will not drag me down now. I know it is possible. I am free and that is worth more than I can say. I can actually enjoy, cherish my daughter. I am so happy for that. For 7 months, I tolerated her and made myself love her. I was so ashamed that I didn't have the gush of love and emotions for her. Oh I had emotions for her, but not what you'd expect from a new mother. I was so discombobulated. Some days I still am. My life was upset. But now, now, I've found a new norm. I can actually see myself having another baby. But not just yet. I still want to..... What do I want to do? I am enjoying Nadia and well, I dunno, what's holding me back? I don't want to wait too long, you know, get out of the baby life and then have to go back into it. I don't want to get out of the swing of things.

Thank you Father for my hubby, for my daughter and for Your patience and willingness to rid my soul of this one dark blot. I hate it. Thank you for helping me remove it. You know I couldn't do it.

Going to work on my bookbag.

So the little stinker only took a 45min nap this afternoon. Grrrr. Well papa is with her now, dealing with her. It's nice to be at work. Although I missed lunch because he was late getting home. But hey, that's ok. I'm ticked. I don't know what to do with her naps. Yes she is getting them, and just about how long she needs, but she just won't lengthen them out. Grrrr. Oh well. I guess we'll just go with the flow. She still sleeps really really well at night, which is good. Sometimes I want to cry. But I still love her and hubby, just frustrated. That's all. I'm allowed that much am I not? It's nice to be at work now though and do something other than baby. We are going to do date night a little earlier today. Which will be nice. I think we are going to go to the mall and walk around. I am so hungry. And thirsty. I should get something to drink. Maybe this will help me loose those last couple of baby fat pounds. At any rate. Well I need to go. Need to get some stuff done and then go home. Hopefully, hopefully she took another nap. Baby baby baby. Nothing lasts forever.

Ok, so she is in her crib, 'talking' to herself. Will she sleep? I certainly hope so. Hope. So much centers around that. But it is so essential to keeping us going. Without it life would be meaningless. We would have no reason. I have new hope. I have hope that I am going to get better that things will get better. I am certain of it. Oh I am scared. I am scared that she won't sleep. Scared that I won't get it right. Scared we won't find a church. Scared that I'll just loose it someday. Scared she won't sleep long enough. But but but. "God has not given us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power love and a sound mind". Amen! Lord please help me. I mean this. Help my mind to rise above the situation. To not get bogged down and loose sight of the true things. The true things. Like your promises. Like your love. Your presence. Oh Lord I pray, Transform my mind! Do you have more for me than this? I know you do. My life is more than her sleeping, eating, pooping and her butt rash. Oh I love her. But my life is more than her. Please help me to believe that. Lord I need you. I need your presence. I need your transforming power in my life. I am weak, I need your strength. I need the truth of your word. What will you have me memorize? I need. Ok, I'll do that. Matt 11:28ff. I will trust you for this day. This hour. This minute. I give them to you.

Naps are good today, but not the best. She woke up from her noon nap an hour early. Ugh. So now I'm trying to put her down for another one. I think she's asleep. I'd like to take a nap. Haven't done that for a while.
The Gem is done and so are the other pubs I'm working on. So that means I don't really have to work. Plus with going to the retreat this weekend and taking some pics I'll have some extra time put in there.
I'm so afraid of her going to a three nap routine. But hey if she needs it, she needs it. I can't compete with that. If she gets up early from naps and I have to be somewhere, we'll just have to make it work. But it is working and I'm glad for it. I just wish I would get better at the way I feel about it happening the way it does. And I am. It's just a process and it doesn't go as quickly as what I'd like. I get so frustrated, because I am realizing that there are so many ways to do things, because there are so many babies! And individuals. And part of parenting is just figuring out what they are needing and how they need it. Not one way is going to fit all babies.
Anyway. She's napping and so I think I might too.