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I don't journal very much anymore. I used to, a lot, but then just sort of got out of the practice. I used to journal right before bed. Well these days the only thing I can think of before bed is, well, bed. I think my journal is under the bed somewhere. I have good intentions, but alas, my thoughts and frustrations remain conjumbled in my head. So, I need to get some stuff out. I am about to burst.
I feel like a lousy mother. Really, I do. My daughter is constantly asking to go to a different neighbors house all the time. And I feel like she wants to because I'm no fun. And I feel like I'm no fun because I have all this stuff I have to do. I try to include her in it, but when I ask if she wants to do this or that with me, she says no. What am I to do? We go on walks, but she always wants to go to the park. I've sworn off the park because she every time we go to leave she throws a fit the whole way home. I don't want to deal with that anymore. And last time she threw woodchips at another little girl who was doing nothing to her. I am so frustrated. The more she acts up the less I want to be around her and so I push her away. I know I do it. I just don't know what to do with her. If I say the sky is blue she'll say it's most definitely red. She'll argue the paint right off the wall. Even my parents and my best friend have told me that she's intense, active and hard to handle. She doesn't listen. I've tried time outs, spanking, ignoring the behavior, yelling, firmly telling her what I expect and it may work one time but not another. I'm about ready to give up! I am so frustrated, I just don't know what to do. I've always dealt with feeling love towards her, since the beginning. I have ppd to thank for that. I struggle with it, I've prayed about it. And I even sat down with her and had a talk about me not being perfect but trying to be a good mama. She seemed to understand. Things got better, a little, after that, but now they are back to bad. I've read Dr Dobsons' book, thank you very much. I don't know what else to do.
Different note. I read an article on sparkpeople about ideal weight. Come to find out my ideal wieght is in the range of 117-143. And because I am small framed (boo) I should weigh towards the end of that range. Crap. You mean to tell me that I still, after I loose the rest of what I thought was my lifetime goal I will still have like 20lbs left to loose? Man oh man. When does it end? I can see why women become anorexic, they are constantly told they are too fat! I still haven't decided if I'm going to go that low. I guess I want to wait until I get to my first goal. If I ever get there. Sometimes I think I'd be happy right here. Or at least at 154 because then that stupid BMI thing would say I'm a 'normal' weight. That'd be nice. Do you know that stupid thing still says I'm overweight? At least I'm not obese anymore. Gee wizz. Give me a break. I feel like I"m starving as it is right now. I'm hungry all the time of late and I look at myself in the mirror and I see a very tired mama. I have bags, bags! people. I don't know if that's because I'm getting up a couple times at night or not. And I'm not willing to do controlled crying with Rhys as I was with Nadia. I don't know why. PPD made me insensitive I think. Anyway maybe I need to back off of the dieting for a little bit. I think I'm getting too obsessed over it. I think I'm getting beat up.
By the way, how many times should a 8 mo old baby be getting up at night anyway? I mean he'll eat and go right back down. I can't complain about that. But I'm suffering for sleep here. And a lot of the time if Nadia gets up it's me who deals with that too. Why do mothers need sleep? Why can't we all just be supermom?
By the way I'm starting to taper off my meds. Just took a half dose last night, as per the dr. Will be doing that for a month and then a half tab every other day for a month.
There are times I say "God give me grace!" and that scripture pops into my mind "My grace is sufficient for you." So I guess it's going ok, because if it wasn't He'd change it, right? Sometimes I still feel like I need a friend who doesn't know I'm a pastors wife. I just need to be frank sometimes. Or charlie or larry.
Still my prayer, Lord give me grace.