Sunday, May 24, 2009

My Secret Addiction

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I have a confession to make, maybe if I confess it, it won't have such a hold on me. I do not have a good relationship with food. It doesn't matter that I've lost 120 lbs. I've only gotten there through being rigid. It's all or nothing with me. If I am at a party and I eat one sweet pastry I figure that the day is ruined and I might as well just eat whatever I want. I hardly allow myself a sweet and if I do I feel guilty all day long. I feel guilty for eating something unless it's very low in calories and fat. I feel happy, elated when I am under my caloric needs for the day. I rejoice when I see that I haven't even met my fat gram needs for the day. That's not good. I am still nursing a baby and I don't want to sabotage him. So I make myself eat. But I only justify eating if it's something like lentils or carrots. Granted those are good for me and my son, but I think there has to be a better way. I am always thinking of food. I think of when I can eat next and what I will eat next. If I am putting food away from dinner I will want to eat just a bite here or there even if it's cold! I will want to put food in my mouth even if I am not feeling physical hunger. I see my husband eat and I've told him about this. He does not have the same problem. It's frustrating! He said 'that would be exhausting'. It is. From the time I wake up till I go to bed the one thought on my brain is food. I hate it. I don't like it. But I don't know what to do to change it. If anyone deals with this, I would welcome your comments. If someone has dealt with it and successfully overcome it, I really welcome your comments. More than loosing weight I want to have a healthy relationship with food.


Kim said...

Oh Kathryn - you and I are more alike than we know!

I wake up thinking about food and I spend my day thinking about when my next meal is and what I'm going to eat, too.

Remember, that our bodies are biologically hardwired to eat food in times of plenty in order to store it for times of need. The problem is, we are perpetually living in a time of plenty! It is my belief that some of us are more prone to eat and store than others - and since we're nursing moms right now, we're DEFINITELY biologically driven to consume calories to provide for our growing ones' needs!

I don't quite go so far as you to count calories and fat grams, etc. But I do ensure that my cupboards are filled with foods that I can eat whenever I feel like it. That means I rarely buy junk foods and have a healthy stash of salsa & chips available :)

I do believe that our relationship with food is something that we are always changing - and that we can consciously change it, hard though it may be ... perhaps you need to see a counselor trained in this type of thing?

Food isn't evil. Even delicious tasting foods aren't evil! But, we can abuse food. And we can abuse ourselves in an unhealthy relationship with food.

Anonymous said...

oh my heck. I am so the same way. I love food. I love it. I think of it all the time. I could have written that post...except the weight loss part =P
I did "THe Lord's Table" bible study once, and it helped me a lot...but I've been lax and not kept myself strong spiritually like I should.
I don't really have much else to say. Not much use here. Sorry :S