Sunday, November 16, 2008

Bovine Esteem

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I feel like a cow. A fat, ugly cow. The one skirt that fit pretty good and looked pretty good doesn't this morning. Why? I've been so good. I've been eating well, exercising and doing toning faithfully. And this is how my body rewards me? I'm bummed. I actually gained two pounds. Arg. GRRRRR. I've put off buying more clothes because I am certain I will loose this fast and get back to my old size soon. But Rhys is already 2 months, how long is this going to take? Most of my everyday stuff, ie - sweats, fit just fine. I did buy one pair of jeans, but most of my 'going out' shirts are snug. Especially in a certain place. I guess I should just go to Goodwill and get some temporary stuff. But I hate to resign myself to that. It's admitting defeat. I was expecting to loose to much more earlier and not have to worry about clothes. I just feel like a cow. And in some ways I am. I'm lactating, feeding an offspring and I'm fat.

I know this is superficial, I should be happy I'm not as big as what I was after I had Nadia. And I am happy for that. But still, especially with the PPD still lurking in the background, it's hard not to see the negative. Oh it's still there. The meds just make it so that I can manage it better. And that's where I wanted to be. I wanted to be able to deal with the emotions, not completely do away with them. That's not healthy. Because eventually I will go off of them and then have to deal with emotions then. But it puts the PPD to a point where I can enjoy my baby, but the PPD is much much less and I can deal with it better.

I know this is for a time. I will loose the weight, I will someday be done breastfeeding (and miss it, don't get me wrong, I love it, it's just, well, 'they' make it so hard to find a shirt that fits, or a bra for that matter) and I will be back to my old self. But it's hard right now. I guess I'll go to Goodwill some day, find some clothes. *Sigh*

3 comments:

SaraM said...

hey kat love your self, you seem hard on your self!! You sem to ecpect alot out of your self!! oh you might want to see my blog your on it :) and my God children!!

Donna said...

I have an awful time losing weight while breastfeeding and I know I'm not the only one whose body reacts that way.

If I get a vote, I say you give yourself until Rhys is 6 months or so to officially start trying to lose weight.

Jessica Morris said...

There's a chance the weight gain is muscle.
I would suggest you NOT weigh yourself. It will be depressing.

It doesn't make any sense to me, but I am pretty much the same weight now as I was two months ago, but I am smaller inch wise as clothes that didn't fit me then, fit me now. And I run several times a week.

(((hugs)))