Saturday, January 23, 2010

Just a Job

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I haven't posted much, sorry. Haven't had much to say. I've been thinking on some things, though. Mainly struggling with the whole stay-at-home-mom thing. Did you know I have a bachelor's degree? Yup, paid for too. (Thanks Mom and Dad!) And I feel like I don't use a lick of it. One doesn't need a degree to raise kids. But...

Ok, I'm just gonna free-write (you know in creative writing, you just write what comes....) I'm just gonna lay it out. I feel like a looser. I feel like what I do no one sees or cares about. I feel unimportant. I feel like no one listens and I feel like I have nothing of worth to contribute. Look at what I write about on this blog!? It's about sewing, diapering, cleaning. Who cares about those things? I don't get a bi-weekly pat on the back (paycheck, hello!) saying I've done at least a satisfactory job. I have 24/7 duty call, more, more, more.

I am struggling to know that my time spent is worthwhile. And I know it is! I know it. I mean, I know it in my head, but my heart doesn't believe it. I wonder if when sahm's were the norm if those women had trouble with it.

And I feel alone. So alone. I know the Lord is working on me in these areas. Trying to get me to rely on Him. I know that. But it's still hard. Even Jesus, in His darkest hour wanted his three closest disciples to be near to him in the garden. He needed to know someone had his back. My dearest friend is 4 hours away. And she's back to work, dealing with family issues, plus she has a new baby.

Please understand I am not complaining, I wouldn't want anyone else to raise my kids. I just need a brain change. But I don't' know how to do it.

Does anyone care?


Maisha said...

I care! If I had read my AP US History book like I was supposed to...then maybe I wouldn't. We're all a bit worthless and unappreciated. Except maybe in high school :)

Kim said...

I care, Kathryn!!! I struggle in some ways, too. I've got a Bachelor's degree in Nursing that *I* paid for and from which I graduated summa cum laude ... although, I gotta say - a degree in nursing? Helpful in being a mom :)

I think SAHMs are so terribly undervalued and under appreciated and I think, sadly, that it's going to be something with which we'll struggle a lot and for a long time. I love being a mom. I love staying at home. I love raising my daughter. Do I wish I got a paycheck? Oh yeah! Do I wish I got to leave the house and enjoy adult conversation in the workplace? Sometimes, yes! But mostly, I feel at peace being at home and doing what needs doing there. I certainly can't imagine both Brad and I working full-time ... when would *anything* get done?

Donna said...

I care too! Thank you for being honest and saying what so many SAHM's wish they could say.

Love ya!

TammyIsBlessed said...

Thanks for being honest. I care too!

The fact that society doesn't recognize the value of a woman pouring into her children, doesn't make it so. I know you know this. But it can't be said too often.

What you are doing is priceless!

What you are doing changes lives!

What you are doing impacts eternity!

Bethany said...

I care and I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I can definitely see how those thoughts would creep in. ((Hugs))

I have an MBA and I will be leaving my 13-year career to be a SAHM in a few months. I wonder if I will deal with some of the same feelings you are dealing with right now. It has crossed my mind. I wonder if I will be able to handle giving up 60% of our income (my paycheck) without feeling like a burden on our budget, and if I'll be able to fully recognize (in my heart) the intangible value of staying home with our baby.

I'm really looking forward to being a SAHM. I just wonder what psychological issues, if any, will hit me once I do.