Answers...

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Just to answer a few questions :) I did clear running with my midwife. I'm doing it also for my mind. I think I got addicted to it last year and now it acts as a drug to boost my mood. So a sort of self medication.

And I gained 35lbs when I was pregnant with Rhys. Much better compared to the 60 I gained with Nadia. And with Nadia I still had lots of old weight to loose. With this pregnancy when I loose that 15lbs I'll be at my ideal weight. So that's not bad.

Postpardum Weightloss

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I am starting what I am going to call phase one. I've got 15lbs to loose to reach my pre-pregnancy weight. I am a size 14 jeans and want to get back to my size 10's. Phase one is going to last for a few months. It consists of this:

• Doing the Couch to 5K training for the first 2 months
• After that running three times a week
• On the off days I will do some sort of whole body toning
• Eating healthfully, making every calorie count (but not counting calories at this point, just because I'm breastfeeding, I don't want to restrict calories yet.)
• Drinking at minimum 64oz of water, but striving to drink 96oz

Phase two is all of that, except I will be counting calories and watching my food intake a bit more seriously.

I truly believe I can reach my goal weight with Phase one alone, but if I don't I know that calorie counting will get me the rest of the way.

I will also be taking monthly pics to show my progress (more for me than anyone, it helps). I will also be taking measurements and weighing myself, however, no one but me gets to see those numbers! I will post my weight lost as I loose it.

So here is what I looked like at the beginning of my pregnancy:

Here is what I look like now:
So that's that. I'll keep you up to date regularly!

"Belly" Pic

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Forgive me! I've forgotten to post a belly pic!! And before you think I've totally lost it, here is what I mean:

I just thought that would be cute. No he wasn't born with a paci in his mouth. It's right before bedtime and he was, um, unhappy.

Life At the Looney Farm?

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Thank you for your concern. I've had a couple of good days in a row and even did really well with taking Rhys to the dr for a check up with Nadia, on my own, yesterday. Rhys is a super sleeper. When Nadia's day was messed up, that was it, no sleeping, not even if I nursed her when I KNEW she was sleeping, until bed. She just would be up! Whereas Rhys is like, nurse me mama, put me down with my bink and don't bother me for at least 4 hours! Man, this kid is so nice to me! That is so nice, because then I can get at least a little recharge in the afternoon.

I do think the meds are kicking in now. And I've discovered that running and a shower in the morning helps a lot. I'm only running every other day because I haven't run for over a year. But on the off days I'll do toning. It's like I just need to do something for myself for 30 minutes. Right now that's exercise and a shower. Hey, what can I say, if mama doesn't take care of herself, she can't take care of anyone else. I can look back in retrospect and see the difference in Nadia's babyhood and Rhys'. I still have guilt over that. It's hard to let it go. Man.

My boy is 9lbs 10oz at his 1 months check up. He gained 2 inches (which explains why all the newborn clothing doesn't fit). He was 6lbs 14oz at birth. So he's eating well. I'll tell ya with all that new pudginess on him it makes him so snugglie. I love cuddling him! And at night when he's got a soft sleeper on, he's like a teddy bear. He just cuddles in and nurses away. He also 'holds' onto me, as if to say, "my mama, my milk". I love it.

This week is revival, so that means I am putting the kids to bed everynight this week through wednesday. That's a lot for me, but I guess it gives me opportunity to perfect it. Two down, two nights to go. Hubby is beat. I know it. We are planning on some sort of vacation around Christmas, he has to use up his vacation time or he'll loose it. So I'm looking forward to that. He needs time to rest. I take that as my calling, prodding him to rest. Like I can talk.

Thanks for your prayers, continue to send them.

Postpardum Care....

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Should be more than the obligatory vag check to tell you you can use tampons, exercise and have sex.

Should be more than a weight check to see how much 'extra' you've gained from your pregnancy.

Should be more than a blood pressure check.

Should be more often than just 6 weeks later.

Should be longer than 10 minutes.

Should be more than just a question about moods or baby blues.

Postpardum depression is real, does happen that fast and is serious. If you have friends who have babies ask them if they have it. If they do, help them get the help they need. Ask them everyday what they are doing to get help. Take them to the dr, or watch their kids. Offer financial help if they need it. And whatever you do, don't belittle them for their feelings. There is nothing worse than feeling alone in this. Feeling like a horrible mother. Than feeling like your family would be better off without you. And it's not something you can just 'pull yourself out of'.

If you love your postpardum friends you will do this for them more often than bringing a meal. It can get real bad, real fast.

And I'm not joking.

Rhys Birth Story

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I'm not quite sure how to tell how long I had really been in labor because labor for me was off and on for at least a week, if not more. The first night I felt real labor pains was Sept 22. I was a few days from my due date and really thought it was it. They were 45 secs long and about 4-5 mins apart. I called my doula and my midwife and they both suggested to take a shower or a bath for the warm water would either A. speed up labor if it was real labor, or B. slow down labor if it was false. Well after the bath they stopped. Stink. Throughout that week I had labor like that. About every other night. It would last about an hour and then stop. It was frustrating. My midwife came up on Wednesday to check me. I was a 4 and no longer posterior. Good. But things really didn't start up until Friday, well really Saturday morning, September 27. 1:30 contractions started and they started hard. I told Andrew to go ahead and get some sleep and that I would wake him if I needed him. I came out to the computer and pulled up that online contraction master thing. I tried surfing the web, but with contractions coming about every 3 minutes and lasting over a minute long it was hard. I had only timed three contractions and already they were getting closer and longer. I woke Andrew. He called the midwife and the doula and they told me to do the bath thing again. I thought, ok. But I told them not to come yet. I got in the bath and immediately they got worse. Much worse. It was only 20 minutes later that Andrew called the midwife and the doula and told them to come. By this time I was telling Andrew I needed to get out of the tub. I was doing the deep abdominal 'sighs' and breathing that did help. Sure the pain was still there, but I stayed on top of it. It still wasn't really that bad. Andrew called my prayer corner and I'm sure they all heard me in the background.
We then went out to the living room and Andrew hurriedly tried to put the birth tub together. But between my contractions he didn't have a whole lot of time. My doula came about a half hour later at 3:45am. I was kneeling on the floor holding onto a chair. I did have a lot of back pain and Corey would push on that to help. Soon kneeling didn't help, so I got the end of the couch sitting on my ball. After a particularly strong contraction my water broke. I was still in denial at this point that I was in labor. But after my water broke I suddenly thought "oh, this is it!" I hurried to the bathroom and cleaned up and then went back to the end of the couch to kneel. But that wasn't working. I then went to the bedroom to lie down. I just needed to rest. My midwife arrived around this time, about 4:40 and her assistant arrived just 10 minutes later. Then the most astonishing thing happened while I was laboring on the bed. My body started to push without my permission! It wasn't like I was thinking "ok time to push" I was actually thinking "breathe breathe breathe, WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!" Everything within me was pushing this boy out, but I was not consulted beforehand and had no idea what was going on. I just said that something was coming out. When you are in the throes of unmedicated labor your mind kinda doesn't work. I know now what was coming out, but I didn't want to assume I knew what was happening. Anyway, I felt like my butt was going to bust in half. It was that strong, that painful. I started to labor/push on my hands and knees (I still wasn't giving in to the pushing yet, it hurt like nothing else! I was scared I really was going to bust in half!) The midwife was still setting up and the doula called for her to come. Meanwhile Andrew is in front of me talking to me, while I am calling out the name of Jesus (my prayer life always gets so much better in labor!) and during contractions I literally am roaring through them. It's unbelieveable the strength that the woman's body has within her. Amazing. Anyway. Michelle came in and checked me (the only check I had with the whole labor) she told me I was complete and at a +2 station. Baby was coming! I was still scared to push with the contractions, but Michelle told me to push through the pain, that was the best advice. So much of life we need to 'push through it'. So I started to push through it. But I didn't have enough room on my hands and knees so she asked me to squat at the side of the bed. Andrew sat on the edge of the bed and I rested my head in his lap. I continued pushing and it was so much more effective now. On my hands and knees his head would keep going back in after a contraction. He couldn't do that now. I birthed his head and Michelle told me to stop pushing so she could check for a nuchal cord, but my body didn't stop. He just came tumbling out! There was a cord around his neck, but Michelle somersaulted him around and he was fine. He was also very slippery, she had trouble getting him! But he cried as soon as his head was out and was pink. Apgars of 10 and 10. He was born at 5:05am, just 3 1/2 hours of labor. He nursed like 15 minutes after birth and my placenta came out just 20 minutes later. It was whole and healthy. I was crying and joyful and just feeling good. He weighed 6lbs 14oz. 19 1/2 inches long. He had and unbelievably short cord, which Michelle thought was the reason for that off again on again labor. He was stretching his cord out so that he could come out.

Homebirth is so nice. There are many nice things about it, and maybe in one of my other posts I'll put them up too. But for right now, homebirth is nice. I have some pics of his birth, but I'll put them up later. I just had to get the story written out and down. Enjoy!

Approval!

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I have good news! Andrew was approved for ordination!! This is a lifetime ordination (barring no mis-deeds) within this Denomination. This is a good thing and we are excited. He will be officially ordained this coming April at the annual meeting. Should be a pretty good time. Thanks for praying!

Forgot to mention...

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Rhys has been rolling over. Frequently. He's 2.5 weeks old. Shocked the crap right out of me. Alright kid, what does this mean?

Prayers

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Pray for my hubby today. He is traveling a couple of hours to the capitol city to take his oral ordination exam. He's a bit nervous about it, but I think he will do fine. Just keep him in your prayers.

Pray for me, this is the first day I'm alone by myself all day. I'll be fine as I have errands I'm running today. Sunday was a very bad day. Very bad. But yesterday was the first day I actually felt like smiling. I think it's beginning to work. I actually had time where my heart wasn't gripped in fear. I felt calm, normal. It felt good. It gave me a reprieve, hope.

Btw, Luvs diapers haven't leaked so far. Everything else has. I'm waiting on cloth covers. The boy is so skinny he doesn't have any fat on his legs to seal up diapers. Leaks like a bad pipe.

Thanks.

The Post Pardum Kathryn

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I've struggled for a while knowing whether or not to even write about this. But it is a big part of my life and since this blog is about 'me', well this is part of me for now.

I'm being treated for Post Pardum Depression. I had it with Nadia and wouldn't ya know it, I've got it with Rhys. I never sought out help for it with Nadia, except for a great friend who I met with for a few months. And maybe that would help now too, except I don't have anyone to meet with. So I saw my family dr, as per the urging of my midwife and he has me on a antidepressant. I hate it. I have to wait a few weeks to see if it's working, until then I have to deal with my mind. And it's hard. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm not a crier and I've cried more times in this past week than what I've cried in the past three years, combined. I'm not handling it well. It's not so much a sadness, but rather a panic. Sheer, out of proportion panic. And I can't control it. It's worse on nights Andrew is not here. And recently that's been 3 nights week. The last week of October we have revival at our church, he'll be gone most of the week. This tuesday he'll be gone all day. How am I going to make it? I have no close friends in this area that I can call on. How can I tell anyone at the church? I am scared out of my mind. I can see why dr's take ppd so seriously, I can see why women with it go off the deep end. The magnitude of fear that I am feeling is such that I'm almost willing to do anything to make it stop. It's overwhelming. It's to the point I can't eat, I can't sleep. I can't concentrate and it's hard to get out of the couch. And this is not me. This is the woman who was canning the day before I went into labor. It's not me to sit lengths of time. They say at least 2 weeks if not more till the meds kick in. How am I going to make it?

They tell me that there are mothers who actually enjoy their children and aren't paranoid at the sound of their baby's cry. It seems almost cruel to me, that I've had two children and with each I am almost incapacitated with fear. I cannot enjoy them! I want them to grow up, now! And not to like 16, to like 3. I want Rhys to quickly grow to 3 or at least 18 months. Most people would say that's not very long at all, but time seems to slow down to a snails pace. 6 weeks seems like forever. I can't believe that I've made it 2 weeks, but it seems like forever.

Oh God help me. How am I going to make it?

I can see why women run away. I can see why they jump from buildings or bridges. It's almost too much. And out of all the things you try, there is nothing you can do to make it go away. You either medicate, or just go through it. Going through it is not the best option. I did that. For 9 months. It was not fun. I hardly remember the time. It was hard on Andrew, hard on Nadia and hard on me. That's all I know.

And my husband, my dear, sweet husband should not have to deal with this. My children should not have to deal with this. They all deserve better.

But this is where I am at. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and doesn't tell me just to 'get over it'. I have a lovely daughter who brings me tissues when I'm crying. And I have a beautiful little boy who does exceptionally well when he's not going through a growth spurt. For all outside eyes I am blessed. And I am. But my brain is sick and I can't see beyond today. Not to mention I can't even fit in my fat jeans.

Pray for me.

And then there were two....

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I did it!!

I put two kids, under the age of 4 to bed, by myself, without any mishaps. I did it! I can't believe I did it!

I realize some of you do that, with more than 2, all the time, every night. But I don't. I never have. And I worried furiously about it. But, I am reminded of the scripture my daughter saw in her veggietales tonight "with God all things are possible". If God calls me to do something, He will make it possible for me to do it. Thank you Lord. And you know what? It went ok. Woohoo!