It Hurts A Little Today

Seems that as time goes on the pain of being forgotten gets just a little bit bigger. We've been waiting for a church for two years now. We've sent out resume's to all the regions. We've been accepted in one, contacted by a church in that one region (over a month ago, still waiting to hear back, they are looking for enough money to pay), have been put on the back burner in another region, and the other one, well we must've gotten lost or something. Two years! I know two years is nothing when considering somethings. But when you are considering that this is what you went to school for, this is what you feel called of God to do, two years is a long time. This is our occupation! We are barely scraping by. Life is so much on hold. We don't have insurance, so we can't have another baby right now. I haven't been to a GYN appt since my 6 week post pardum checkup. Do we put another garden in? Will we be around to harvest it? Or will we be around for next years garden too? We can't get too involved with a church, who wants someone who will be here today and gone tomorrow? We could be here another five years, or we could be gone by the end of summer. I just don't know what to think anymore. Oh God remember your promise!
Aside from all that my heart just hurts over this. I thought we'd be somewhere by now. I'm trying not to whine, trying not to complain. And really I'm not, I just hurt. How much more can I say about it but that. I'm not asking why, not yelling at God. I just hurt. And I can't tell you why. I don't have a really good reason in mind, I just hurt. I just hurt.
I'm not a grieving person. Not really, anyhow. I mean I cried over my lost cat, but when my grandfather died, well I didn't really feel anything. But I don't cry over lots of stuff. But this gets me. I just don't know what to think or do or pray anymore. I'm just kinda stuck. So that's where I'm at. Just hurt.