You're on a mission and I'm in your way. That's what I just told him. That's what my dad used to do. He'd get on a cleaning binge and everything and everyone was in his way. So I learned to stay out of it. I was trying to have a meaningless conversation with him about face wipes for Nadia. Just trying to create conversation. Trying to get his opinion, because it counts to me, I want to know what he thinks. Yes, even with the small, unimportant stuff. But all I got was grunts and huffs. Good grief. Makes me so mad. So I'll just stay out of his way.
Then I find him making fried potatoes for himself. After the supper I made and he wants potatoes! That hurts.
Anyway. I tore apart an old comforter today, I'm going to make a guest quilt out of it and some old blankets. I tried to make yogurt. Didn't go. Tried to make a loaf of oat bread, didn't go. Two experiements crashed. Ugh. Disgusting. Made face wipes for Nadia for when she eats and didn't cost me a dime. (Old baby towels, water and baby soap in an old sugar container, set by the table, wha-la, face wipes! No more using napkins or paper towels! We're saving money baby!)
so I"ll have to figure out what I did wrong with the yogurt. Somethings not right. Maybe I'll try it with milk next time, I used reconstituted dried milk. It's been in the oven for 10 hours, should be done by now. I'll check it again.
So anyway. That was my saturday. Besides the normal nursing, changing dipes (which is another area of contention with me. I want him to change more diapers on a saturday and what happens? I am changing the same amount, plus watching her just as much, so that HE can get things done. What like I don't want some ME time too?) I could scream, but I'd wake the baby.
I'm going to go check the yogurt.

I haven't posted here in a looooong time. I can't even remember when. I think it was before easter. We had hubby's parent's in for easter. In our small house, that was a full weekend. And I think before easter I was finishing three deadlines. Ugh. Or maybe it was two. At any rate I had a lot due. Hubby stayed home in the afternoons so I could get it done. And I did.
Then I had catching up to do last week after the in laws went home and then this week I thought Gem was due again, just saw it was not. Ugh. Oh well.
Now baby is laying down for her morning nap. I know she is sooooo tired, but will she sleep? I don't know, but I do know that she is screaching. Not screaming, just loud, what sound like happy squeals. Ugh. Baby baby baby. I so want her to sleep, I am so tired I want to nap. But she probably wont' because I want to. That's how it works, right?
I made strawberry jam last night. Wasn't planning on it, but Nadia was unhappy at the grocery store and I can't make good decisions when she's fussy, just can't think. So I ended up buying the sale, that is 4lbs of strawberries for $5. I don't even know if that is good or not. I think I cooked it too long. I don't think it's any good. It's dark. Almost moves like molasses. That is, it doesn't move at all!
I've decided to make our old worn out guest comforter into a guest quilt. I'm tearing it apart, using the batting for fluffing pillows or what not and then cutting the front and back into squares for the quilt. I've got so many other scraps that this shouldn't be a problem. I'm then going to use an old thermal blanket that's got the satin binding all torn up for the batting. Should be sufficiently warm. I could add another thermal inbetween for added warmth. I'll have to check salvation army for such a thing. And if this works well I am going to make one for our bed. My hubby brought lots of old blankets into our marriage and I think this will be a nice way to use them, without throwing them away. I've always wanted to quilt. And I mean really quilt. Like how they used to do it.
I think baby is asleep. So I am going to do the same.
Ciao.

Here I Go Again-WhiteSnake

---

No I don't know where I'm going
But, I sure know where I've been,
Hanging on the promises
In the songs of yesterday,
And I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time.

Tho' I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on,
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams.

And here I go again on my own,
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
And I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time.

I'm just another heart in need of rescue
Waiting on love's sweet charity,
And I'm gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams.

And here I go again on my own,
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
And I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time.
But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again.

(Solo)

And I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time.

And here I go again on my own,
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
'Cos I know what it means,
To walk along the lonely street of dreams.

And here I go again on my own,
Going down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone...

Here I sit. My fingers are a wreck and there is an irate baby. She should've been asleep an hour ago, but rather she just fell asleep.

I hate daylight savings.

So do I just go with it and let her sleep till she wakes up, or do I just wake her up at 10am, to try to set a schedule? Before I could just lay her down and she'd sleep for an hour. Morning nap was the easiest. The afternoon one was the problem. Now it's the opposite. She'll sleep for two hours for her afternoon nap and the morning nap is just terrible.

I hate daylight savings.

I am so tempted to try that Sweet Sleep Tincture that Maggie has for her boys. Nights aren't a problem, it's the day sleep that we have issue with. At least we didn't, but now we do.

I hate daylight savings.

I was trying to control myself. It is so hard sometimes. She's supposed to wake up in 15 minutes, I want to cry. I hate this sometimes. Sometimes all of this just feels so helpless, so hopeless. I know God is with me, but I feel like I'm doing this all by myself. No one else fields the burden for this but me. It's my job.

I hate daylight savings and sometimes, just sometimes, I hate how things turn out. I have no control over this and no wisdom in this matter. Sometimes I consider a hormonal birth control because I know the havoc it wreaks on my body and I would have trouble getting pregnant, because I don't want to get pregnant. At least not now.

My fingers look terrible and they hurt. I am waiting to do work, but can get nothing done until it is sent to me. So I can wait here until I get my baby up. My baby. Is she really anyone elses? Does anyone else REALLY know what I go through? Does anyone REALLY care? Probably not.

I worry that this will continue until my in laws visit next week. I am so afraid they will critique what I am doing and give 'suggestions'. I don't need more suggestions. I don't need more advice. I just need support. This is not the way I envisioned motherhood to be. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be like this. This is a different kind of hard.

Lord help me.

I have been just so busy the past couple of days. I have two deadlines tomorrow. Plus keeping house, keeping baby, keeping hubby and keeping myself!

Anyway, I am taking the Self Challenge! Woohoo! I am really going to do it. I am not going to give up. I'm not really going to follow the food thing, as I am going to eat well and I know how to eat well. But rather, I am going to follow the cardio and strength training portion of it. I'm excited. So by Nadia's Birthday I should be down, or past my pre-preg weight. Woohoo!

I seriously dislike reading books that I feel like I have to read. I am trying to get started in a book called When Beliefs and Life Collide by Carolyn Curtis James. Basically it looks at the roles of women in ministry, but not just that, women in theology. I am interested in it and look forward to the wisdom this woman may impart, but with only being out of school for 4 years, I still loathe reading books that are good for me. I'd much rather read a fictional book. Like the Heirs of Montana series. Now that's fictional! But historical, I like that.

Poor Nadia's had some trouble sleeping. Don't know why. Just has. But we'll get through it.