Sunday, November 04, 2007

Conviction

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It has come to my attention (aka, I've been convicted) of several things. My daughter and I both have colds. Not so big, but she is just a tad harder to deal with and I am a little more short tempered when I am sick. Put us both together like that and its a recipe for malcontent.
Some background: Nadia and I have difficulty getting along of late. It could be that she's 2, or it could be me, or both. I have a tendency to yell and slap too much. I am also a perfectionist when it comes to being a mother. I have this fear that I am going to mess her up. But the thing of it is, I cannot do everything perfectly when it comes to her! I am not going to parent all right, all the time. That frustrates me, because I don't want to mess her up. I just need to accept that. I have a tendency to yell at her when she is not doing what I want her to do. And at the end of the day, when she's been in bed, I feel that ominous guilt. I feel so bad! I really do love my little girl. I struggled with connecting with her for a long time, but I can finally say that I feel love for her. But yesterday, with a combo of the above things and being home with her all day, I lost it. And while I was ashamed for my behavior, I am thankful that God has redeemed it. He convicted me of several things. Because of my foggy cold mind I am going to list them, because I just need to get it out:

  1. I yell and slap too much.
  2. I have a victim mentality
  3. I am a negative person.
  4. I am allowing my anger to control me.
I know I have the ability for self control, I have lost 121 pounds and that takes a lot of will power and self control. However, I was relying on myself for the ability to control my anger and also the answers on how to raise my child. That was foolish thinking. I cannot perfectly rear my child, however, I can partner with a perfect God to help me. In response to #1 I am not going to slap my child anymore, I am not saying spanking is not good, I am saying it is not good for me. I need a clear boundary and this will be it. Maybe it will change, but for now. I am also going to try to maintain a spirit of peace in this house. My husband is the spiritual head of the house, however, I am the general manager of the house and therefore I do set the tone of the house. It has not been peace for a while. For this, I am going to stop yelling. I am going to take a small moment before I respond to my child in her whatever to talk to the Lord. "What am I to do about this? How do You want me to respond to her right now?" 5 seconds more of a tantrum is worth it to hear the Lord.
A lot of my attitude has been because I feel like life is happening to me. Woe is me, I have another cold. Woe is me, my child is waking up at night. Woe is me, woe is me! Wow, talk about a victim mentality. No wonder the mood of the house is dreary. I am choosing against this. Part of this is a negative attitude. I am going to choose to look at life through realistic eyes. Not negative, and not really positive, because this too can be annoying. But rather, realistic eyes. Yes, I have a cold, but it will get better, I can still function. Yes, Nadia got up last night, but at least I got lots of sleep, not like newborn days.
You know I deal with anger. But also part of my revelation has been that I allow my anger to control me. Not anymore. It's not right and a lot of people I love are getting hurt in the process.
Unfortunately a lot of this will be healed through process. I need to be in situations that anger me, annoy me. And unfortunately it seems that the Lord is using my daughter to do this. I have to ask Him why, I don't want her hurt. But it seems that He is. I can only trust Him that he knows what He is doing.
Throughout this whole process I have come to a scripture that speaks to me.

31
Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, "If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. 32 And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." 33 They answered Him, "We are Abraham's descendants, and have never been in bondage to anyone. How can you say, 'You will be made free'?" 34 Jesus answered them, "Most assuredly, I say to you, whoever commits sin is a slave of sin. 35 And a slave does not abide in the house forever, but a son abides forever. 36 Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.

This comes from John 8. And the part that struck me is that to be free to be truley free, I need to abide in His Word. The Holy word. The Blessed Word from the mouth of God. And I know that, but needed to be reminded.

8 For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come.

This comes from 1 Timothy 4. I spend a lot of time in exercise, well about an hour a day. What would happen to me if I spent just as much time reading His word? I was convicted. I am not saying that spending an hour working out is bad, I believe it's good. But I also need to exercise myself in godliness too.

So with all of this, I am convicted. Thank you Father for that. Thank You that You don't let us to wallow in our muck. You help us out. Thank You.

3 comments:

Kim said...

Kathryn - that was a powerful post. Praise God that He convicted you of these things! Hard work is ahead, but it will be so worth it in the end!! I'll be praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being so honest and open. It's easy to think no one else struggles in the same way as I do. Satan wants us isolated in our sin so that we are too ashamed to get out of it!

NO MORE!

Erin said...

Thanks for the comment on the quilt. We went ahead and put a low loft batting in the quilt, because I envision it being use as a pallet and the fleece alone was just not enough.

Wow what a post. I'm glad you have been convicted and I am praying for you.