Friday, September 07, 2007

Just Floatin.....Like on a big wide ocean......

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Out to the sea..................

Life is good.

I guess I've lived off of that last post for far too long. I figured that since it was such a milestone, I could let it linger a bit longer than usual.

Anyway, life is good. We are getting more and more settled. I think only the study needs to be organized. But that is hubby's area, so it may take longer, as he is busy with church and such. I'm getting to know the area more. I've even found an ob/gyn that I think will be good. I have an appt with her for a yearly in a few weeks. I haven't had one for two years. But, hey, that's ok. I'm not on drugs, only one guy and no problems.

I've always had a voice in my head. It's always there. I don't know when it started, but it's always there. Now before you go calling the paddywagon to take me away, it's not like an audible voice. It's more like a thought, or a screen. Most of the life that I experience is filtered through a screen of weight. When I wake up in the morning I think about what and when I will eat for breakfast. After breakfast I think about when I can eat again. And so on for meals. When I meet another woman, I think "Oh, goodness, she's so much skinnier than I am. I need to loose weight." I am too ashamed to say that I feel relief when I meet someone who's the same weight or heavier than me. I've lost all this weight and all I can see is the rolls still on the front of me, all of the fat on my behind and my heavy thighs. It seems like this is always a voice telling me that I need to loose weight or that I'm not skinny enough. And food! What a love hate relationship I have with it. I love to eat, but it is such a temptation. And I wish I wasn't such a good cook. I cook good tasting food. I wish I wasn't thinking like this all the time. It just seems that everything that comes into my sensory from one way or another is filtered critically through this screen. I feel good if I've eaten only fruits and veggies or if my caloric intake is soooo below 1500 calories. It's like I'm ok then. If I eat too much (ie - 1600 calories) then I have to justify that it's ok. It's only this one time. It won't happen again. And when I step on the scale in the morning and my weight is up a pound or two I think back to what I ate the day before so as to cause such a drastic weight gain. When I know that this extra that or this couldn't cause me to gain 2 pounds overnight. This thinking is everywhere, in everything!
And yes, there are times that I look in the mirror and think "wow, I have lost a lot of weight and yes, I do look great." But my eyes go to the areas that are too big. I don't think I'll ever get rid of this dough belly. And that's not all Nadia either, it's just being so gosh darned heavy for so long. I have it on my arms too. It's just like excess skin. Yuk.
Does anyone else have this voice? This filter? Please tell me I'm not the only one.

1 comment:

Shannon said...

Yes, I absolutely have that same voice. I'm always thinking ahead to what I'm going to eat next too. I remember when I was younger, like pre-teen and teen, at breakfast, I would ask what was for lunch. You are not alone :)