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I've had about three different blog ideas bouncing around in my head for a while now, but haven't had the guts to write them. Since I've linked my blog page to Facebook I now have a whole new set of people I actually KNOW that can read my most intimate thoughts. Sometimes I wonder how good transparency is in a relationship. But I've given that up. This blog is my outlet and while I don't blog about everything, I figure if someone doesn't want to read what I have to write, they don't have to. But I need to get this out, all of it.
The past few months have been difficult. We've had sickness upon sickness, Andrew has been super busy at church and on top of that we've had Easter. In the parsonage, Easter is a lot like Christmas, only Christmas is spread out over a months time, whereas Easter is smashed together in one week. It's exhausting. We've been living in the 'margin' for about 2 months now. We are spent.
And despite that last post about homeschooling Nadia, I had a breakdown the other day realizing that I just could not do it. We butt heads too much. I'd loose my sanity if I did. I had this faulty thinking that I should be able to do EVERYTHING. You know, everything good. Sew, cook, clean, homeschool my children, home birth my children, be active in church, la la la la. I've realized, though, that I have limits. I learned about those limits when I started to go crazy. I've been in prayer about the whole homeschooling vs. public schooling and I really feel like the Lord is telling me it's ok either way! How freeing! The important part is that this home is place to be safe to come to. A place where the family is loved, and accepted for who they are. It is a haven. Nadia and butted heads so much that I fear this place would soon become the opposite. Folks often say, what is best for the child, but I beg to differ. What is best for the family? If one piece of the family is off, the rest are as well.
That being said, I registered Nadia for kindergarten today. And I feel peace about it. I do feel somewhat sad. I think it's because she's growing up. I can't believe she's going to be 5 in august! When did this happen? When did 5 years just zoom by? My little girl isn't so little. This can only mean one thing, my little boy is going to do the same thing. Dang it.
I do feel an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. I cannot convey how much better I feel about the whole thing. I still worry about what she'll run into, the things she might learn from peers, etc. But the Lord reminded me, you can't shield her from the world forever! And this is true. It needs to be a gradual thing. Prayer and involvement. Those are key.
Pray for us. This is not easy, especially since we thought from before she was conceived that we would homeschool. Well Nadia has been the child we weren't prepared for in many ways. Birth, postpartum, toddlerhood, it's all been a surprise. We prepared for so many things and were surprised with what really happened. This is no exception. And I guess that's one way the Lord is changing me and making me rely on Him more. And that's ok.