Happy Birthday to Moi!

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Yesterday was my birthday!! I'm 30 now! I can finally feel like an adult, whatever. Here are a few pics of my day.

My wonderful hubby and children made me a lovely card.  Andrew took a huge sheet of paper and traced all of their feet on it.  There were 30 toes, a wonderful way to remember turning 30!  And I had requested a washboard for my birthday since there are so many times that I am washing something out by hand, or trying to get a stain out.  I used it today and it's nice!  It's a lot less wear and tear on the clothes for stains, I used to rub the clothing together.  And I get the clothing cleaner when I'm just hand washing.  Andrew got it from the Columbus Washboard Company, I think he got a good price.  It is well made and I love it!

Earlier that day the ladies of my prayer group threw me a mini surprise party, with cake and presents.  I got my homemade cake.  Then in the early evening the family all trekked to the 'city' for Olive Garden.  I was able to get a part for my sewing machine to machine quilt and we also hit Jo-Annes for some needed things for sewing.

All in all it was a very good day.  I made up my mind to have a good day and I did!

Post Pardum Reflections

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I'm brooding tonight. Fair warning, this is not an upbeat post. Hubby is running high tonight, we had our baptism service, this is his first ever and it went well. I'm happy for that. I hate to bring him down, this was such a good day and I enjoyed it. I don't know why I've got such a moody heart tonight. I guess there is just some things that bang around in my mind and sometimes they bang too hard. And it hurts. I need a break. I need to hear the answer to my questions. Andrew and I have been batting an idea back and forth, I know the answer I want, but he is still thinking it out. I need this closed. I need to close this chapter. I need to know I can be done with this.

I've been revisiting some old memories. Trying to let them go. It's brought me down. The whole time after Nadia was born is just a dark and hurtful place. I just pain over this. It's such a surreal time for me. And it seems that things are just popping up all over again. I have a friend who's going through the same thing. Her thoughts, feelings and things she's saying just bring me back. Oh my goodness, I hurt so much over this. I hurt over the loss. I hurt over what wasn't. I hurt over that year. It's gone. Just gone. Most mothers just go back to being themselves after a month or so, they don't live in crippling fear. I would literally be in a panic when she cried. My heart would race when I heard her, it was so hard to even think when I went to her door. I had no idea what to do because of the fear. I lived like that for a year after she was born. I was afraid to be alone. And I was alone, everyday. I was not myself. I was someone else. It seems so stupid to be hurt about fear. It seems so ridiculous to be hurt over this. But I am, that's the truth. I hurt because I was not normal, I was not right. I hurt because I had no joy, no happiness, no love. It pains me to read about women who LOVE their babies. Not because they love their babies, but their love for their babies reminds me I had none for mine. It was not given. I feel cheated. Either myself or God did not give it to me, did not give me that feeling. I'm not blaming God, I'm just saying that whatever gives that love to a mother for her child did not give it to me. I was cheated. That's why I hurt. Why me? Why this sweet little baby girl? What did she do to deserve a mother who didn't love her? Why did I have to suffer through that time, no money to go to a dr, away from family, a church who didn't know, didn't have the capacity to care? Why then, why that way? I feel like I had no way out! Destined to suffer through it.

I read a scripture today in Sunday School, this is all a part of the curse for women. Genesis 3:16 says "To the woman He said: I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception;" WOW! It's like we women are destined for sorrow. A part of the curse. I know there is redemption and hope, but there is still the struggle with it.

You gotta know I am working through this stuff, it's gonna be on here. It's not pretty. But I'm not apologizing for it. This is real and stinky. Just so you know. This is how I heal. I write about it.

I'm A Litfuse Blogger!!

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You'll see the little button thingy over there ------> somewhere. I signed up, via Maggie's Blog, to be a Litfuse review blogger!! I'm so stoked!! You can be one too! Just click on the little bird and it will take you there!! Woohoo!! I can't wait to review my first book.

No Poo Update - "Medicinal" Intervention

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*Sigh* It seems I've encountered a wrench. Something has thrown the proverbial wrench into my no poo workings. I've got dandruff. Big, honkin' flakes. Yuk. It's happened before, about 5 years ago, before Nadia was born. I knew I was prone to it after that, so I was careful, or so I thought. But I was shampooing then, now I'm not. Things are different. I've tried everything I know.
Last time I got this, it wasn't just a few snow flakes, no it was itchies, and pardon me, but like scabby crusted over things on my scalp. It was nasty, and it was painful. I went to the doc. He prescribed something for me, I used it, it did nothing. So I tried Tea Tree Oil. I mixed a few drops into my shampoo and applied. I conditioned as normal and then made sure my scalp and most of my hair was dry. Whatever it was that was causing this grows in a warm, moist environment. It cleared up in no time.
Well now I don't have shampoo to mix it in with. I tried the TTO in the baking soda wash and all it did was make my hair oily. I tried a chamomile, rosemary tea rinse. All that did was burn my hand. Don't ask. Oh, I'm sure it calmed it a bit, but it still didn't do the trick. So then I took straight TTO and applied it directly to my scalp. That did help, but I smelled, oh I smelled so strongly of TTO. If garlic doesn't work to keep Vampires away, TTO sure will! Luckily hubby uses it if he has skin issues, so it didn't bother him.
So, I'm going to have to use something else. I see this as an intervention. One doesn't use antibiotics all the time, just when one needs them. So I'm using castile soap, with a few drops of TTO and Rosemary. I have a huge bottle of it, it doesn't have all the chemicals in it, just natural stuff. I basically need a carrier to get the TTO onto my scalp to work. I figure once a week should do it for a bit. Then I'll go back to just a bit of baking soda to wash like once a week. I think what started this was my scalp got too dry. I didn't need to wash near as often as in the summer. I tend to have drier skin anyway. And I wasn't making sure my scalp was dry at all times. It was staying wet after washings, like at night. Oh so bad. I am hoping this will help. I hope.
But other than that my hair continues to look great. It's shiny, bouncy and just beautiful. I'm wondering if all the other rinses are helping my hair, even if they aren't helping my scalp. I'll have to remember the chamomile rinse. It was nice for refreshing my hair.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Prayers Please

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Would you all mind praying for a dear friend of mine? I'm not divulging any details, except to say that your prayers are valued. Please pray. Thanks.

This Is So Me!

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I once took a personality trait test and it came back Melancholy. I never really took much to it, but I've looked it up and WOW is this me! I thought you might like to read it, if you want to know more about me. It helps to know what I tend towards. Obtained from here. I'm sure they have others, but it is church based, so it's not all secular reading.  Type in bold is like 'yes that is SO me". 

The Melancholy Personality Type

Personality Strengths of the Melancholy

Deep and thoughtful
Analytical
Serious and purposeful
Genius prone
Talented and creative
Artistic or musical
Appreciative of beauty
Sensitive to others
Self-sacrificing
Conscientious
Idealistic
As a parent, sets high standards and wants everything done right.
As a homemaker, keeps everything in order.
As an employee, schedule oriented and hard working.
A list maker and keeper.  (you have no idea)


Personality Weaknesses of the Meloncholy

Easily offended
Can get too caught up in details
Doesn't do well with change.
Struggles with insecurity
Tends towards depression

(I'll keep the "weakness" list short because the Melancholy may tend to dwell on the negatives.)

Of all the personality types, the Melancholy probably struggles the most with a low self image because they have set such high standards for themselves and others.

I love Melancholy people! They are the most organized people I know. My office at church is torn apart every Sunday. People look for things, take things and do not put them back, leave items on my desk and on the counter, leave drawars hanging open, you name it. Don't worry though, my Monday office assistant is a Melancholy.

Upon arrival, she shakes her head with affectionate disapproval and puts everything back in order in no time.

Before you start to wish that you had a Melancholy of your own, don't make the mistake of thinking that they are all this easy going. As a matter of fact, the very same Meloncholy would have a completely different reaction if the room in question were her own kitchen.

I live with another Melancholy. In the time that we have been sharing a house she has managed to rearrange my bathroom and my kitchen and made several not so delicate suggestions about my many "junk" drawers.

As aggravating as Melancholy behavior can be to a Choleric like myself, I have learned to love and appreciate their perfectionism. If I turn a task over to a Melancholy it will be completed neatly and as close to perfect as possible. They make the best proof readers, the best typists and the best bean counters.

Words count with a Melancholy. Every word that comes their way will be replayed in their mind and analyzed for meaning. Their feelings are easily hurt. They have to work hard to keep from falling into a spirit of offense. It helps the Melancholy to stop and ask "did they mean to hurt my feelings?" or "could I be reading too much into what they said?" It also helps to simply echo back comments that are potentially hurtful and make sure that you haven't interpreted them wrong.

Those who have Melocholy people close to them should drop generalizations from their vocabulary. Words like "always" and "never" will not be appreciated. If at all possible, drop the volume of your voice and keep your tone friendly. If you are in a bad mood, take care that you do not drip your negativity on them, they will take it personal and be wondering all day what they did wrong.

A Melancholy can become easily isolated. It's a good thing to keep in touch and give them a lot of positive feedback and personal affirmation.

Melancholy's think all the time. When they get quiet, watch out... Don't be afraid to ask them if everything is alright. Depending on where they are on the road to spiritual maturity, they may not tell you what is really wrong, but be persistent. If you get the feeling that they have been offended by something that you said, just say so. "Did I hurt you when I said..."

Phlegmatic and Sanguine people do not usually have too many problems getting along with the Melancholy. But the Choleric can be a bit rough on them, so they will have to try to tone it down and develop their sensitivity.

The Melancholy is usually an amazing exorter. When they do give you complements, they mean it. They are also often prayer warriors when they turn their thoughts into prayers for the people around them. They are merciful and sensitive to others, making great confidants and counselors.

Who is the most famous Melancholy in the cartoon world? That's easy! It's Eeyore! (Winnie the Poo's slow taking, self deprecating friend!)