Monday, September 21, 2009

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

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I have to apologize for going AWOl on you all for a while. Things got hairy trying to get ready for our vacation. Vacation was, um, ok. It was stressful, to be honest. No one likes to hear that, they like to hear that it was GOOD. Or restful. But it was not. It was nicer to come home. However, it was good to see my parents, it was good for my parents to see the kids and it was good to get away from the house. So it was good and it was sort of stinky. Nadia ended up getting really sick just after we arrived, so we spent 2 days kinda hunkered down getting her better. We did one day of sight seeing, the land of fire and ice, ie. Volcano and ice cave. It was neat. Do you know that the land around a volcano is higher in iron and the trees kinda take that up, so they are more prone to lightening strikes? It's true. We saw so many trees there with these huge gashes down the sides. God's creation is still amazing to me.
When we came back everyone came down with something, except for me, thank you Lord. Hey, someone had to help everyone else get better. Andrew had an ear infection (still has it) from the descent of the plane, Nadia got another stomach bug, and Rhys had a cold. I'm outlawing colds in babies. It's just not fair to them. Poor dears.
Then, something that's really hard to talk about and I don't even know how to talk about, happened again. It's something I've dealt with before, most people don't know about it and it will probably stay that way. But it cuts deep and new everytime it happens. I am hurt. And I'm struggling. I don't know what to do about it. I am in such a unique situation. And I feel alone. So very alone. I cannot just talk to anyone about this. It's a very sensitive subject.
I'm still struggling with the whole ppd thing. And I'm still very much struggling with Nadia. All of this came to a head this morning and I popped. I was bawling on Andrew's chest (I don't bawl, much less weep.) I'm considering searching out a counselor to help me deal with this. I have one close friend whom I can trust and she's coming to the end of her pregnancy. I can't put this on her. She has too much to deal with already. I am so broken. I've been learning anew how to call on the Lord. It's a shame that it took me this far to get me to do that. But He comforts and guides the moment we come back. He is good. Please pray for me. I thought once I was done with counseling in my teens I would never have to go back, but everything is piling up on me and I need some help sorting it all out. It's too much. I need a good friend, but I don't really have anyone I can deeply trust. These are all deep heart issues, I can't just go around spouting it all off. Plus it'd be too much for one person (unless I paid them.) Sigh. I don't know. Please pray for me. I need guidance in this area.
I welcome your advice too.


Kim said...

((((Kathryn)))) I sooooo wish I could be there for you right now! I'd make us some tea and we could chat ... I have absolutely no advice to give other than I'm thinking of heading to counseling someday soon as well and I don't think it's a bad idea at all to get some help dealing with your feelings - in fact, I think it's a fantastic idea.

I'm here for you if you need me - feel free to email me at kimberly DOT schell AT gmail DOT com if you need someone!!!!

Brandy said...

Kathryn, find a family counselor and get some help.

Someone unbiased who can listen and help you sort it out.

A friend is nice to vent with and chat but a friend can only do so much to help you move forward with yourself and Nadia.

You owe it to yourself and Nadia, and Andrew and Rhys to get help and be able to be a happy mommy.

Rachel F. said...

I wish I could help in some way. I guess I can--I can and will pray. And I also think it would be wonderful if you could find a good Christian counselor to help you through this.

Bethany said...

Kathryn, I'm so sorry you are struggling. (((hugs)))

Shannon said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I have so many issues myself that I don't have anyone to talk to about. I think a good counselor would be really good for you, but even counseling is hard for me to handle. Praying for you. Feel free to talk to me if you want to.

Anonymous said...

counseling is a wonderful idea. DO IT. And you know you can always call on/email me. Those feelings are so overwhelming and scary.
I love ya. And I'll be praying for you...
Would it be okay for me to call you sometime? =)