Happy Birthday to Moi!

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Yesterday was my birthday!! I'm 30 now! I can finally feel like an adult, whatever. Here are a few pics of my day.

My wonderful hubby and children made me a lovely card.  Andrew took a huge sheet of paper and traced all of their feet on it.  There were 30 toes, a wonderful way to remember turning 30!  And I had requested a washboard for my birthday since there are so many times that I am washing something out by hand, or trying to get a stain out.  I used it today and it's nice!  It's a lot less wear and tear on the clothes for stains, I used to rub the clothing together.  And I get the clothing cleaner when I'm just hand washing.  Andrew got it from the Columbus Washboard Company, I think he got a good price.  It is well made and I love it!

Earlier that day the ladies of my prayer group threw me a mini surprise party, with cake and presents.  I got my homemade cake.  Then in the early evening the family all trekked to the 'city' for Olive Garden.  I was able to get a part for my sewing machine to machine quilt and we also hit Jo-Annes for some needed things for sewing.

All in all it was a very good day.  I made up my mind to have a good day and I did!

Post Pardum Reflections

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I'm brooding tonight. Fair warning, this is not an upbeat post. Hubby is running high tonight, we had our baptism service, this is his first ever and it went well. I'm happy for that. I hate to bring him down, this was such a good day and I enjoyed it. I don't know why I've got such a moody heart tonight. I guess there is just some things that bang around in my mind and sometimes they bang too hard. And it hurts. I need a break. I need to hear the answer to my questions. Andrew and I have been batting an idea back and forth, I know the answer I want, but he is still thinking it out. I need this closed. I need to close this chapter. I need to know I can be done with this.

I've been revisiting some old memories. Trying to let them go. It's brought me down. The whole time after Nadia was born is just a dark and hurtful place. I just pain over this. It's such a surreal time for me. And it seems that things are just popping up all over again. I have a friend who's going through the same thing. Her thoughts, feelings and things she's saying just bring me back. Oh my goodness, I hurt so much over this. I hurt over the loss. I hurt over what wasn't. I hurt over that year. It's gone. Just gone. Most mothers just go back to being themselves after a month or so, they don't live in crippling fear. I would literally be in a panic when she cried. My heart would race when I heard her, it was so hard to even think when I went to her door. I had no idea what to do because of the fear. I lived like that for a year after she was born. I was afraid to be alone. And I was alone, everyday. I was not myself. I was someone else. It seems so stupid to be hurt about fear. It seems so ridiculous to be hurt over this. But I am, that's the truth. I hurt because I was not normal, I was not right. I hurt because I had no joy, no happiness, no love. It pains me to read about women who LOVE their babies. Not because they love their babies, but their love for their babies reminds me I had none for mine. It was not given. I feel cheated. Either myself or God did not give it to me, did not give me that feeling. I'm not blaming God, I'm just saying that whatever gives that love to a mother for her child did not give it to me. I was cheated. That's why I hurt. Why me? Why this sweet little baby girl? What did she do to deserve a mother who didn't love her? Why did I have to suffer through that time, no money to go to a dr, away from family, a church who didn't know, didn't have the capacity to care? Why then, why that way? I feel like I had no way out! Destined to suffer through it.

I read a scripture today in Sunday School, this is all a part of the curse for women. Genesis 3:16 says "To the woman He said: I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception;" WOW! It's like we women are destined for sorrow. A part of the curse. I know there is redemption and hope, but there is still the struggle with it.

You gotta know I am working through this stuff, it's gonna be on here. It's not pretty. But I'm not apologizing for it. This is real and stinky. Just so you know. This is how I heal. I write about it.

I'm A Litfuse Blogger!!

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You'll see the little button thingy over there ------> somewhere. I signed up, via Maggie's Blog, to be a Litfuse review blogger!! I'm so stoked!! You can be one too! Just click on the little bird and it will take you there!! Woohoo!! I can't wait to review my first book.

No Poo Update - "Medicinal" Intervention

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*Sigh* It seems I've encountered a wrench. Something has thrown the proverbial wrench into my no poo workings. I've got dandruff. Big, honkin' flakes. Yuk. It's happened before, about 5 years ago, before Nadia was born. I knew I was prone to it after that, so I was careful, or so I thought. But I was shampooing then, now I'm not. Things are different. I've tried everything I know.
Last time I got this, it wasn't just a few snow flakes, no it was itchies, and pardon me, but like scabby crusted over things on my scalp. It was nasty, and it was painful. I went to the doc. He prescribed something for me, I used it, it did nothing. So I tried Tea Tree Oil. I mixed a few drops into my shampoo and applied. I conditioned as normal and then made sure my scalp and most of my hair was dry. Whatever it was that was causing this grows in a warm, moist environment. It cleared up in no time.
Well now I don't have shampoo to mix it in with. I tried the TTO in the baking soda wash and all it did was make my hair oily. I tried a chamomile, rosemary tea rinse. All that did was burn my hand. Don't ask. Oh, I'm sure it calmed it a bit, but it still didn't do the trick. So then I took straight TTO and applied it directly to my scalp. That did help, but I smelled, oh I smelled so strongly of TTO. If garlic doesn't work to keep Vampires away, TTO sure will! Luckily hubby uses it if he has skin issues, so it didn't bother him.
So, I'm going to have to use something else. I see this as an intervention. One doesn't use antibiotics all the time, just when one needs them. So I'm using castile soap, with a few drops of TTO and Rosemary. I have a huge bottle of it, it doesn't have all the chemicals in it, just natural stuff. I basically need a carrier to get the TTO onto my scalp to work. I figure once a week should do it for a bit. Then I'll go back to just a bit of baking soda to wash like once a week. I think what started this was my scalp got too dry. I didn't need to wash near as often as in the summer. I tend to have drier skin anyway. And I wasn't making sure my scalp was dry at all times. It was staying wet after washings, like at night. Oh so bad. I am hoping this will help. I hope.
But other than that my hair continues to look great. It's shiny, bouncy and just beautiful. I'm wondering if all the other rinses are helping my hair, even if they aren't helping my scalp. I'll have to remember the chamomile rinse. It was nice for refreshing my hair.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Prayers Please

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Would you all mind praying for a dear friend of mine? I'm not divulging any details, except to say that your prayers are valued. Please pray. Thanks.

This Is So Me!

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I once took a personality trait test and it came back Melancholy. I never really took much to it, but I've looked it up and WOW is this me! I thought you might like to read it, if you want to know more about me. It helps to know what I tend towards. Obtained from here. I'm sure they have others, but it is church based, so it's not all secular reading.  Type in bold is like 'yes that is SO me". 

The Melancholy Personality Type

Personality Strengths of the Melancholy

Deep and thoughtful
Analytical
Serious and purposeful
Genius prone
Talented and creative
Artistic or musical
Appreciative of beauty
Sensitive to others
Self-sacrificing
Conscientious
Idealistic
As a parent, sets high standards and wants everything done right.
As a homemaker, keeps everything in order.
As an employee, schedule oriented and hard working.
A list maker and keeper.  (you have no idea)


Personality Weaknesses of the Meloncholy

Easily offended
Can get too caught up in details
Doesn't do well with change.
Struggles with insecurity
Tends towards depression

(I'll keep the "weakness" list short because the Melancholy may tend to dwell on the negatives.)

Of all the personality types, the Melancholy probably struggles the most with a low self image because they have set such high standards for themselves and others.

I love Melancholy people! They are the most organized people I know. My office at church is torn apart every Sunday. People look for things, take things and do not put them back, leave items on my desk and on the counter, leave drawars hanging open, you name it. Don't worry though, my Monday office assistant is a Melancholy.

Upon arrival, she shakes her head with affectionate disapproval and puts everything back in order in no time.

Before you start to wish that you had a Melancholy of your own, don't make the mistake of thinking that they are all this easy going. As a matter of fact, the very same Meloncholy would have a completely different reaction if the room in question were her own kitchen.

I live with another Melancholy. In the time that we have been sharing a house she has managed to rearrange my bathroom and my kitchen and made several not so delicate suggestions about my many "junk" drawers.

As aggravating as Melancholy behavior can be to a Choleric like myself, I have learned to love and appreciate their perfectionism. If I turn a task over to a Melancholy it will be completed neatly and as close to perfect as possible. They make the best proof readers, the best typists and the best bean counters.

Words count with a Melancholy. Every word that comes their way will be replayed in their mind and analyzed for meaning. Their feelings are easily hurt. They have to work hard to keep from falling into a spirit of offense. It helps the Melancholy to stop and ask "did they mean to hurt my feelings?" or "could I be reading too much into what they said?" It also helps to simply echo back comments that are potentially hurtful and make sure that you haven't interpreted them wrong.

Those who have Melocholy people close to them should drop generalizations from their vocabulary. Words like "always" and "never" will not be appreciated. If at all possible, drop the volume of your voice and keep your tone friendly. If you are in a bad mood, take care that you do not drip your negativity on them, they will take it personal and be wondering all day what they did wrong.

A Melancholy can become easily isolated. It's a good thing to keep in touch and give them a lot of positive feedback and personal affirmation.

Melancholy's think all the time. When they get quiet, watch out... Don't be afraid to ask them if everything is alright. Depending on where they are on the road to spiritual maturity, they may not tell you what is really wrong, but be persistent. If you get the feeling that they have been offended by something that you said, just say so. "Did I hurt you when I said..."

Phlegmatic and Sanguine people do not usually have too many problems getting along with the Melancholy. But the Choleric can be a bit rough on them, so they will have to try to tone it down and develop their sensitivity.

The Melancholy is usually an amazing exorter. When they do give you complements, they mean it. They are also often prayer warriors when they turn their thoughts into prayers for the people around them. They are merciful and sensitive to others, making great confidants and counselors.

Who is the most famous Melancholy in the cartoon world? That's easy! It's Eeyore! (Winnie the Poo's slow taking, self deprecating friend!)

Toots

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When my sweet little boy was born over a year ago, I avoided all things gaseous. Broccoli, milk, beans, etc. When he was about 4 weeks old I tried a little, I mean very little broccoli. I love broccoli. It does not love me. I get debilitating gas cramps from the stuff. That has not stopped me from eating it. Well when I ate that very little bit of broccoli Rhys was awake and screaming for 2 hours straight. The poor little guy had such terrible gas. I felt so bad. Naturally I cut out all broccoli.

Till.....Last night. There is a new Chinese restaurant in town and we wanted to try it. They have a lovely steamed chicken and mixed vegetables dish, with sauce on the side. Oh yummy. Well it was chocked full of broccoli. A few carrots and something that resembled cabbage butts? Maybe? I dunno. Anyway. I wasn't about to just eat mostly chicken, so I scarfed down the whole thing. Broccoli and all. But, and this is the most important part, I made up a tea that has fennel in it. I had heard that fennel helps with gas. Well I drank that with supper and I had no gas! A little bit of bloating, but no gas! And neither did Rhys! Oh I can eat broccoli again!

Needless to say, I think I will be drinking fennel tea with every meal that could be toot-full.

Just thought you might like to know.

Emetophobia

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Blogging is therapeutic for me. I have always loved to write and express myself through writing. I need to confess.

I have an insane fear of throwing up. Puking, vomiting, loosing one's cookies, yes folks all of those phrases evoke irrational levels of fear, anxiety in me. I have been this way since I was very young. I'm not sure what has precipitated this fear, or even what to do to rid myself of it, but it's there.

The funny thing is, if there is a funny thing, is that the Lord saw fit to join me with a man who has a weak stomach. I am blessed to have a strong constitution, have since I was young. In our 7 years of marriage I have taken him to the ER 3 times for vomiting. I can tell you he wasn't the only one sweating and stressed out. When I was pregnant with Nadia we were touring the maternity ward of the hospital and I heard a woman vomiting. I nearly passed out. Now I think she was vomiting, I don't know for sure, but is sure sounded like it. And having been through labor twice and had the urge to purge myself, I'm pretty sure she was.

Then, if being married to Andrew wasn't enough, the Lord further saw to rid me of my fear by giving me a daughter that throws up a lot too. She gets a cold, she throws up.

Granted I've come a long way. It used to be that when Andrew was laying on the couch sick I would have to plug my ears during each 'session'. Now I just only need to look away. I still get quite panicky when someone gets sick, especially Rhys. But I am getting better with that point. I guess just having to deal with it is helping. But oh how I wish I didn't have to deal with it.

Now Andrew is a God-send when it comes to this. Because he's been so sick in his life (like we are talking for days at a time) he is so non-chalant about it, it doesn't faze him! He just does what he needs to do and that's that. I'm so thankful for him. The only thing is, when I get sick, he kinda freaks out. Just because I don't get stomach sick all that much.

Please tell me I'm not the only one out there who doesn't like the backwards motion our stomachs make sometimes? And tell me what can I do to overcome this?

Question and Advice...

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I have a question for all you nursing mama's (either are or have been), we have gotten numerous offers for babysitting the kids while we go out and have a date. Which is great, but Rhys nurses before he goes to bed. He does not nurse to sleep, but rather, nurses a little bit and then gets a bink and is laid down awake for bed. Should I try to wean that feeding, or just let them give him a drink of water and put him down like that? We weaned Nadia of the before bed feed for that reason, but Rhys has gone down one other time without a problem for someone else. There was a bottle (which shocked the crap out of me) and my own milk in it. I could do that, but I wonder what I should do. What would you do? This might be, at best twice a month. Hmmmmm......

I look forward to your thoughts.

Sew Many Projects!

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Just a few projects I've been working on...

This is the quilt I made for Rhys for his birthday.  I made it out of his old recieving blankets.  That is a picture of the embroidered airplane that was on one of the blankets.  He loves it.

This is the robe that I made for myself.  I had like three robes, but they were all either too heavy, or too long, or didn't stay together (which kinda defeats the purpose of a robe, doesn't it?).  I'm really proud of the facing.  Usually the facing looks really crappy on my stuff.  But this turned out so much better.  I won't be embarrassed if someone sees my facing. 

I am in the process (have been for over a year now, it just kinda sits around till I get a moment to work on it) of making a quilt for Andrew and I's bed.  I have a tendency to steal covers so we need a unique size and I have tons of pieces of fabric not really big enough to make a piece of clothing with, so I'm making a huge quilt.  I've not made one for us and I'm really taking the time to do it.  These are the first two blocks I've got done.  They look really good in the picture, although I can already see imperfections.  But that's what gives it character, right?  I am planning on putting a unbleached muslin spacer (because I've got lots of that) between each block, left, right, up and down and then a square in the corner of each.  I don't think I'll put much of a border on this, the spacers will act like that.  Then a binding.  yay.  I love making bindings.  Yuk.  What do you think?

That's what I've been sewing these days.  And I'm not planning on any other sewing projects, I really want to get this quilt done.  Since we are going away for Christmas, and I mean AWAY, I don't think I'll sew anything for Christmas gifts.

Then after that quilt is done, I'm going to make this.

I've got so many scraps and stuff like that, I need to wean out my stash!  That quilt will be for our guest bed.

Natural Home Care

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I'm all about word of mouth, well, word of blogging anyway. I thought I'd pass along a great website that has tons of natural homemade cleaning solutions. I'm making the disinfectant solution and pouring it over torn up towel wipes so that I can wipe down the bathroom in a snap. Keeping it all in a ice cream bucket under the sink. I am adding just a drop of tea tree oil for added bug fighting.

I'm a bit anal, but that's ok, if it keeps my family healthy!

Non-Toxic Home Care

The disinfecting solution does wipe up a bathroom really nice.  Make sure you wring out the cloth really well and it should dry without spots.  It did well on my chrome, a bit of spotting, but nothing like the toothpaste crap and soap crap that gets on there.  It shined it up nicely.  Also the disinfecting solution recipe makes enough to cover one bath sized towel cut up.  

Snow

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Just for the record, it is snowing in Central PA right now. Has been for two days. It's insane. It's not even Halloween yet. That's crazy people.


That is all.

I'm a Runner...

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I'm a runner. Did y'all know that? I run alot. I run to the grocery store. I run when the kids are beating each other up. I run downstairs to change over the laundry. I run out the church. I run to the bank. I run out the garden to get a carrot or two. I run out the garage to get something from the freezer. Yessirree, I do an awful lot of running.

But today, I just want to run. I want to run away. Both kids are sick and there is a snow storm on the way. The house is devoid of food (not true, but it sounds better) and I have an appt this afternoon over the river and through the woods (and incidentally over a mountain ridge!). Sometimes I want to just run away. Oh I'd come back. Eventually.

But I won't. I'm much to responsible for that.

Anyone want to form a running group?

Banana Pancakes

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Now because my knickname is Miss Frugality and because I can't bear to part with anything of value just because it's a bit less than desirable I am currently cooking up an enormous batch of Banana Pancakes. I usually freeze my banana's when they are past fresh eating but still great for baking. And usually it's just one or two banana's. Not enough to really do anything of significance with. And I usually end up with something like 10 banana's before I remember I have all of them in there. So that is why today I am probably going to end up with somewhere around 4 dozen pancakes. That's ok, I made them healthy.

Here's the Recipe. Banana Pancakes

Now I changed a bit, but have always found these changes go over well. First, all of the flour is soft wheat, or you could use whole wheat pastry flour. Second, I replaced all of the oil with applesauce, and third I added more powdered milk (because I fear my children don't get enough protein but they love pancakes.)

So far they are cooking up nicely. I plan on freezing them and pulling out just what I need. So many mornings I struggle with what to feed Rhys. With this I know he's getting fruit, protein, calcium and good carbs. And I'm saving money!

There are days I really feel like I'm finally getting the hang of this. This is one of those days.

Enjoy!

Mum

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I'm sorry folks, I think about this blog often, unfortunately, my blog is not a mind reader. If it was, there would be a whole lot more posts on here. I just haven't the heart or mind to blog lately. I suppose I just haven't got a lot to say. Or anything significant, or profound to say. I often feel I am whining. Who wants to hear that?

So I will post again, soon, I promise. About Rhys walking, Andrew fixing the baptismal, my new workout routine, my brother in laws upcoming wedding (read more air travel), Nadia and me, the whole ppd journey, and so much more. But for right now I just don't have it in me to write about it.

Till then.

Happy Birthday Andrew!!

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It just so happens that 3 days after Rhys' birthday is my husbands birthday. I married a wonderful man and not a day goes by that I don't thank the Lord for his presence in my life. He is so good to me. I love him. And I'm glad to have had him for another year!

Happy birthday sweetie!

Happy Birthday My Sweet Boy!

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A year ago today I was given my second blessing, my sweet boy Rhys. He has been a joy and a blessing. I thank God for him daily. Happy birthday Rhys!

Extended Breastfeeding

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There are so many good reasons to breastfeed beyond a year. I was reflecting on some of those and thinking about why I choose to breastfeed longer than one year. Here are a few:

• It gives me a chance to rest. I am usually running around doing something or other all day. Breastfeeding gives me a chance to sit. I usually put my head back on this great chair I found at a yard sale last year and sleep.
  
• Sometimes it's the only thing to get him to relax enough to rest.
  
• The extra calories I get to eat! I don't know if it's the exercise or the breastfeeding but something helped me to shed those post baby pounds! There is a reason I'm fitting in 8's now.
  
• I feel better knowing that he is nursing and getting a good well rounded food several times a day. I don't have to worry as much when I know he is nursing if he's getting everything he needs.
• I like that in the days of MRSA, H1N1, super bugs and such that he is getting my immunities.
  
• It gives me a chance to just hold and love my boy. I can gaze at him, rub his back. It's just him and me. I know he's my last and I am making the most of it.
  
• It's the easiest thing to feed him at 3am.
  
• It's the easiest thing to feed him on a plane, a hotel or just about anywhere.
  
• I like that it reduces my chances of breast cancer.
  

I'm sure there is more, but I think that's a good list. I like breastfeeding. I thank God for thinking of it. He's so smart.

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

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I have to apologize for going AWOl on you all for a while. Things got hairy trying to get ready for our vacation. Vacation was, um, ok. It was stressful, to be honest. No one likes to hear that, they like to hear that it was GOOD. Or restful. But it was not. It was nicer to come home. However, it was good to see my parents, it was good for my parents to see the kids and it was good to get away from the house. So it was good and it was sort of stinky. Nadia ended up getting really sick just after we arrived, so we spent 2 days kinda hunkered down getting her better. We did one day of sight seeing, the land of fire and ice, ie. Volcano and ice cave. It was neat. Do you know that the land around a volcano is higher in iron and the trees kinda take that up, so they are more prone to lightening strikes? It's true. We saw so many trees there with these huge gashes down the sides. God's creation is still amazing to me.
When we came back everyone came down with something, except for me, thank you Lord. Hey, someone had to help everyone else get better. Andrew had an ear infection (still has it) from the descent of the plane, Nadia got another stomach bug, and Rhys had a cold. I'm outlawing colds in babies. It's just not fair to them. Poor dears.
Then, something that's really hard to talk about and I don't even know how to talk about, happened again. It's something I've dealt with before, most people don't know about it and it will probably stay that way. But it cuts deep and new everytime it happens. I am hurt. And I'm struggling. I don't know what to do about it. I am in such a unique situation. And I feel alone. So very alone. I cannot just talk to anyone about this. It's a very sensitive subject.
I'm still struggling with the whole ppd thing. And I'm still very much struggling with Nadia. All of this came to a head this morning and I popped. I was bawling on Andrew's chest (I don't bawl, much less weep.) I'm considering searching out a counselor to help me deal with this. I have one close friend whom I can trust and she's coming to the end of her pregnancy. I can't put this on her. She has too much to deal with already. I am so broken. I've been learning anew how to call on the Lord. It's a shame that it took me this far to get me to do that. But He comforts and guides the moment we come back. He is good. Please pray for me. I thought once I was done with counseling in my teens I would never have to go back, but everything is piling up on me and I need some help sorting it all out. It's too much. I need a good friend, but I don't really have anyone I can deeply trust. These are all deep heart issues, I can't just go around spouting it all off. Plus it'd be too much for one person (unless I paid them.) Sigh. I don't know. Please pray for me. I need guidance in this area.
I welcome your advice too.
Blessings.

PPD In Review

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My heart is heavy with this subject. I've been pondering it for weeks. I've been wanting to blog about it for some time, but I just haven't had the gumption to do it yet. But I need to get it out. It's eating me up inside.

Post labor with Nadia

It seems that my life took a swing, a twist, got bunched up the day Nadia was born. I had had 20 hours of hard labor, a placenta that fell to pieces and the dr had to manually get out and I believe I hemorrhaged. My bp was 80/50. I was seeing the visual aura I usually see before a migraine off and on for about 24 hours after she was born. It was bad. I plummeted, physically, mentally. I hit rock bottom. And I had a newborn to care for. I believe the PPD hit me before I left the hospital. I did not feel like myself at all, no baby-lovely feeling time ever. I struggled to feel something for her. To this day I am ashamed to say that. I didn't feel like myself until she turned a year old.
I used to tell myself that I loved her because I cared for her needs, but I didn't feel anything. I hated that. I felt horrible about it. And I felt alone. I felt so alone I thought I was going to implode. The anxiety, the fear, the sadness and the loneliness were so crushing.
The time after I have a baby is so surreal. I feel sort of lightheaded, like everything is swirling around me and I'm just kinda there. I hate that.

The way Nadia and I's relationship started has bled into our relationship today. I still struggle with feeling close to her, with having a bond. I have to work at it. I love her, I do. But it's not like I see with other mothers and their children.

Post labor with Rhys

So naturally when I got pregnant with Rhys I was scared. I did research. I thought maybe the PPD with Nadia was just circumstantial. It might not come back. My midwife told me the supplements to take to help since I was already at risk. He was born on Saturday. I had the euphoria, the baby-loveliness, the high that a lot of women feel and that I didn't with Nadia. But by Friday I could feel the blanket already being pulled over my head. Dread filled me, I knew IT had found me again. I called my midwife. She checked in on me every other day and by the next week she urged me to see a dr to seek medicinal care. I did. I should've seen a woman. Stupid dr.
It took time for the Zoloft to kick in. During that time I can remember the anxiety, the fear. I remember sitting in Rhys' chair in his room holding him and bawling. I remember Nadia standing tentatively behind the door frame, scared, asking what was wrong. How do you explain depression to a toddler? I remember wanting to hurt my children. Oh I am so ashamed to say that. My precious, precious babies. I can remember fantasizing on hurting myself. I remember thinking that my family, my husband would be better off without a lunatic wife to have to worry about. I believe the hand of God stayed me. He carried me through the first time and He carried me through the second time. Oh I was on drugs and I believe He used that to help me. But it was Him.
I will never forget the crushing fear and the overwhelming loneliness that comes with this. It was bad with Nadia and it got worse with Rhys. From what I read it does that. It's for this reason we have decided we are done. And for that reason I grieve. Oh I don't want to be pregnant again. I live in fear monthly that just 'one' broke through. I don't breathe again until I start. I suppose being done would be easier to accept if I had known Rhys would have been my last when I was pregnant with him. This decision came out of necessity. My children's dr and a good friend of mine both say I probably had Postpartum Psychosis. What would happen next time? Maybe I'd end up in the hospital. Maybe I'd be dead. I read up a lot on Andrea Yates. When she did this to her children I was younger and thought, along with alot of other people, how could she do this? Now, I see how she could do this. She wasn't in her right mind. She was sick. For the first time in my life I've made a decision based on a limitation. I feel like PPD has won. Perhaps that's why I grieve.
This weighs so heavily on me. I feel cheated. I feel like something I was supposed to have was taken from me. Now my relationship with my daughter is tainted because of it and I hate that. I just weaned off my meds and I'm glad for that. Rhys will be one in a month and I feel good. Probably better than I've ever felt in my life. Healthy in body and mind. But I am still sad. So sad over this. I suppose this is therapy. Thanks for listening.