Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Blah.

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I do realize that mum has been the word for a few weeks. It's been nutsy around here. In a nutshell, here has been the past 4 weeks:
  • Nadia had her 5th birthday.  Andrew's mom and dad were up and we had a very nice little family party.  She got lots of princess stuff, which she loves and also some stuff for school.  Talk about that later.
  • I completed my Couch to 5K program, which I had never done before.  I feel real good about that, although running at 30 mins a clip is still difficult.  I have less than a week till my 5K and barring any unforseen problems, I'll be doing it.  At this point I just want to finish.  
  • Andrew had surgery Aug 25 for sleep apnea.  The procedure is called LAUP.  You can google that, because I haven't the time or patience to link it.  This, my friends, has been difficult.  My husband does not carry a lot of extra weight and since the surgery he has lost, at last count, 8 lbs.  And that was a few days ago.  He has severe pain eating, and his throat is sore most of the time.  He still has episodes of not breathing when he's sleeping.  I've retreated to the guest bed, I just can't hear it.  It frightens me too much.  We see the doc this afternoon, hopefully he can give us something that will help.  He just hurts so.  
  • Nadia starts school tomorrow.  I do not feel ready for this.  I mean, I'm ready for her to go, but I just don't know if I'm ready physically.  I mean, will I be able to pack a good enough lunch?  She is supposed to have memorized this pin code for her lunch/milk money and she hasn't, my fault.  I just don't feel ready.  
  • Oh and I'm preaching on sunday.  Any other time I'd be just bouncing off the walls with glee and I am, but the other things going on have overshadowed this excitement.  
Grief has been trying to settle in and take it's course over my grandma, but it's hard to let myself do that with all the other stuff going on.  I just don't feel like I've got time.  Yesterday in my run I started to cry.  What the heck?  Do you know how hard it is to cry when you are running?  I felt like my lungs were going to pop.  Like is hard right now, not as hard as some, I'm sure, but it's hard.  I'm tired.  I need a nap.  And I need a friend.  Pray for us, would you? 

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Beautiful

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Forgive me for not posting an update on Sunday. Sunday's weigh in was, well, depressing. But it shouldn't have been. Here goes. According to the scale, on Sunday, I had lost 4lbs total. BUT I should say that friday I was down 6lbs, however, my cycle is coming any day, so I'm taking Sunday's reading with a grain of salt. 4lbs is still good. Considering I hadn't lost anything for well over a year. So I'm eager to see what I'm at when this whole womanly business is over.

The eating part of the diet is going well. My skin is in the best condition it's been in a long time. I have energy. And I've eaten a few pieces of bread. No fruit, yet, that's coming. I'm going back into those sorts of things real slow. I made a high fiber bread, that when I'm done tweeking it, I'll post the recipe on here. It's an original recipe! I had a name for it, but I renamed it to Russian Renewal Bread. I'm proud of my Russian heritage and the bread is so hearty it feels russian. My husband ate a little too much of it and after this morning he did say he felt renewed. Hah!

My running is going great. The last two times I've got this charge, I feel like electric all over. They tell me that's the high. Well I LOVE it! I'm going to keep running, I think. I've printed off the registration form for the race. I'm gonna do it. I can't wait! I almost want to find another race to do too, before it gets too cold. We'll see.

So why the title 'Beautiful'?  Check out the pic.



Some may think I just look sweaty and gross, and while I am sweaty, I think I look beautiful.  I just got done running before this pic.  I felt strong, confident and beautiful.  Running makes me feel good.  And that is beautiful. 

Sunday, July 25, 2010

SBD Day 7 Update and Weigh In

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*grumble grumble*

I loathe to post this update, but I said I would and I suppose there are some who are waiting on baited breath to hear my weigh in.

So after a week of none of my bread, no pizza, no rolls, no pasta, or fruit, or or or.... You get the picture. I'm down a measly 2 pounds. Granted that's 2 lbs gone, but still I was hoping for more.

Here's some FYI about this whole thing. I have the 'way of women' right now, not that one, the other one, no I'm not pregnant. Good grief, the mid-way way of women. KWIM? Men, are you clueless right now? Are there any men who read this blog? If there were there isn't now. Anyway, I always gain a few lbs in water weight during that time, and usually I drop it soon after, so hopefully that's what's holding things up.

I do feel trimmer. I mean, I don't feel near as puffy as I usually do during this time. And the veggies are getting better. The cravings, however, are not. Oh I long for my bread! And I'll tell you next sunday morning I'm having a nice slice of my bread with peanut butter slathered all over top. I've been dreaming about that, I have. But hopefully next sunday I'll be another 2lbs lighter. This stinkin diet better work, for all the bread I've given up. Gee wizz.

So there you go. That's the update.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

My Fave Pizza Dough Recipe

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Tammy you so mean....

Whole Wheat and Honey Pizza Dough
This pizza dough is the best I've made yet. It's low fat, low cal, and my family loves it. It doubles, triples and quadruples well. I will sometimes make a large batch and freeze the rest so that the next time I make pizza I just have to take it out and let it defrost on the counter and in a few hours it's ready to go. This is extra good with freshly ground wheat flour and if the whole wheat is too much just sub a cup of white in there. Really good stuff. I can't wait to eat it again!

1 pkg active dry yeast
1 C. warm water
2 C. whole wheat flour
1/4 c wheat germ
1 tsp salt
1 tbls honey

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees (If you use a stone place that in there now this will result in a crisper crust on the bottom)
2. In a small bowl dissolve yeast in warm water. Let stand until creamy, about 10 minutes
3. In a large bowl combine half of the flour, all wheat germ and salt. Make a well in the middle and add honey and yeast mixture. Stir well to combine. Gradually add the remaining flour till it forms a nice ball that cleans the sides of the bowl. It should be smooth, slightly sticky. Cover and set in a warm place to rest for a few minutes. The longer you let this rise the easier it is to spread out on the pan later on.
4. Roll dough on a floured pizza pan and poke a few holes in it with a fork. You can also sprinkle cornmeal on the pan instead of the flour for a truly pizzeria feel.
5. Bake in preheated oven for 5-10 minutes, top with your best yummy toppings and bake until desired crispiness.

Enjoy!

Here is a link to my fave pizza recipe! BBQ Chicken and Onion Pizza!

Can't Wait....

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I've got some serious cravings over here in no carb land. Ugh. I didn't realize how much I ate those things. I can barely get through a meal now. I'm so sick of salads and eggs with veggies in them. I could almost barf right now thinking of it. And it's only day 5. I need me some bread, man!

So to console myself I'm dreaming and creating a list of the things I'm dying for:

  • Chocolate, any kind, I'm not picky.  Dark, milk, I'd even go for an Ande's mint (I don't believe mint and chocolate should do business.)
  • A nice thick piece of my bread slathered with at least an inch thick of peanut butter
  • Two pieces of my bread with miracle whip, lettuce, onion, tomato, cheese and chicken salad
  • A piece of my bread toasted with butter and cinnamon and sugar all over top
  • Steel cut oats with brown sugar and milk
  • Cheerios with sugar and milk
  • That banana bread I made last week that's been taunting me this week
  • Roasted potatoes
  • Bacon bits
  • Oatmeal and raisin cookies
  • Raisins
  • Fruit!  Any kind, I'm not being picky.
  • A piece of my pizza.  Oh my pizza.  My beloved, luscious, mouth watering, scrumptious pizza.  Oh how I miss you.  
That's all I can think of right now.  Thankfully, most of these things will be added back in in a week an a half.  I can wait.  Maybe that's how people loose weight on this diet.  By the end of the first week they can't stand the sight of broccoli anymore they just vomit upon eating.  How am I going to make it through another week?  If you are praying for me, keep praying!

Insane In the Membrane

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A friend of mine is sharing her insanity. I'm thinking in a few years when Rhys is in school and I can join the Y I will try this.
I was getting irritated at hearing this everytime I got on my blog.  Ugh.  If you really want to know what it was, leave a comment and I'll send you to it. 


Beginner
What do you think?  I think with training I can do it.  

Monday, July 19, 2010

SBD Day 2 Update

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I thought I'd give a quickie update on how the whole diet thing is going.  

So far so good.  I'm at a time of the month, not THE time of the month, but a different time of the month when I'm usually gorging on food because I'm so dang hungry!  And this time I'm not.  I get hungry about an hour before meals, but that's ok, because I'm going to eat.  Now like tonight I was hungry about an hour after supper and I ate a small snack and I'll tell you people I'm full.  Not stuffed, just satisfyingly full.  I like that feeling.  I don't like that empty, painful gut feeling.  And I got that, a lot.  So I ate, a lot.  Keep in mind I kept it all within caloric ranges, but I guess I was eating all the wrong things.  

Anyhoo.  I'm being 'good' and eating what I should.  I was worried about getting in enough fiber or going over my calories for the day, but I am meeting both those needs.  It's good.  And I'm also meeting my fat needs for the day too.  Before I'd totally be under where I was supposed to be.  

I feel good.  I won't know if it's working until Sunday.  I'm keeping myself from weighing until then.  THAT is the hardest part.  Not the eating.  No, it's the not weighing.  Hopefully I'll survive.  :)


Till tomorrow. 

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I'm On A....

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....diet.  Shhhhh, don't tell anyone.  I don't know why but I hate to say that.  I don't like to adhere to 'commercial' diets.  I don't like to rely on someone else's prescribed way of eating.  I like to do my own research and do my own thing.  I'm terribly independent.  But, well, I'm on a diet.  Here's the story. 

Last March I reached my pre pregnancy weight.  And I stopped.  I lost no more weight.  In fact by that September I started gaining.  I've continue to gain.  I gained 12lbs since then.  It's horrible.  And I was counting all my calories, exercising every day.  I was doing all the 'right' things.  It was frustrating. 

So I went to my doc.  She tested me for many things and found everything within normal ranges.  That said, I at least know my eating right is going well because my cholesterol is great!  I had some other issues, ones of a ladies nature, and I was tired all the time.  But when nothing was found she prescribed Zoloft.  That didn't seem to fit.  So I went to my OB/GYN.  Let me tell you this is a great doc.  She sat with me for an hour discussing my issues. 

We came to the conclusion that the added weight, along with what was already there (because even thought I had lost a ton of weight I still had extra fat) was causing me to have lady problems.  She prescribed a medicine to take a certain days for just three months in hopes that it would help restart my system and she suggested I look into and do the South Beach Diet.  I balked. 

I eat right, I exercise.  It's certainly not me!  Well she loaned me a copy and after reading it I concluded that yes, it could be me.  I realize I bake all my own whole grain breads, but I still eat a lot of carbs.  I thought, well I haven't much to loose, except the weight.  So I'm trying it. 

Today is day one.  So far so good. 

From what I read it's a 'diet' in the beginning, but it slowly weans you off the 'diet' phase, into a life changed phase. I can live with that.  I really can. 

I really hope it works.  I really do.  I don't know what else to try.  And it seems that it works for many people.  I can be very disciplined when it comes to things like this.  If I know what I need to do, I can do it.  I guess it's my type A personality.  Just tell me what to do. 

I'll keep you updated.  Pray for me.  Please, would you? 

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

I'll Fly Away....

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I love that song.


My grandmother has passed. You may remember my grandmother Evelyn having had a stroke about a year and a half ago right before Christmas. She rallied and was doing quite well, considering, since that time. I saw her about a year ago. In the past month she weakened and she declared her independence from this life on July 4th. I miss her. She was my closest grandparent. I know she's in fine form in heaven and I'll see her again. But I still miss her.

A friend from church sent me a poem she wrote about occasions like these. I asked her permission to post it and she agreed. It fits.

Stand Not There...
~Ruth Kephart~

Stand not by my grave and weep
Where my body’s buried cold and deep
I am not, nor, were ever there
Beneath the ground now striped and bare

Stand not by my casket closed
Head bowed down, your stance reposed
Wherein the lowly vessel lies
I am not there, mine is the skies

Please, stand not under falling rain
In cemetery filled with pain
Where mourners gather out of love
I am not there, I’ve rose above

Oh stand not there, and do not cry
My dearest friends, I’ll tell you why
I’ve gone to greater places far
Above soft clouds and glistening star

'Till one day we shall meet once more
Where angels sing on golden shore
So do not stand there, do not weep
Let my body go, my memory keep




See ya later, Grandma.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Vision

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I should've seen this one coming. I mean, it's the way God works, isn't it?

I'm reading a book. Hah! I'm reading several, but the one that has my attention at this moment is You Can Still Wear Cute Shoes by Lisa McKay. It's a book of advice for pastors wives. (mini review) Very good and great advice. I should say though, I am at a very rare, but blessed spot to be in. Our church has two older pastors wives who's husbands have retired (or gone on) from the ministry. I'm sure they'd have a thing or two to share! But anyway, check out the book, ladies, if you are needing some advice as your roll as a PW, or laypeople to understand your ministry couple. I digress.


I read a quote that comforts me from my previous post Letting Go.
God will not allow even an ounce of pain if He doesn't intend for it to produce pounds and pounds of cure. 
We also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope.  (Rom. 5:3-4)
 My husband has also been taking our church through the life of Joseph and our church is going to see a wonderful play on the life of Joseph tomorrow.  We were discussing his recent sermons and the scripture came up:
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.(Gen 50:20)

See I know these things, but I guess I forget.  Because I needed another lesson.  And this is all so very comforting.  It redeems it.  Something that hurts my heart so very badly can/could be used to give others hope.  Oh Lord let it be so.  Please use my hurt to heal.

Just had to share my insight with you.  Have a blessed day.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Mira lo que hice!

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I made tortillas tonight! I feel so accomplished! I mean, come on, I'm a Pennslyvania Dutch girl, who milked cows, ate pig stomach (ew), and know's that pot pie is not the stuff with the crust on top! I made tortillas! And they were good. Not just good, but great! My family loved them. I don't think I'll ever go back to store bought again. Here are some pics:

The whole process is really easy.  If you have a kitchenaid it's super easy.  Mix it up, let it rest, separate into balls, rest, roll, cook.  That's it!

Here's the ball






Here is the rolled out uncooked tortilla.  You know I always use the other side of this block for shaping bread and completely forgot the other side had all these markings on it.  I was looking around for a ruler when the light went on over my head.  *Ding!*  Aha!  I have markings on the other side.  Woohoo! 
This is the tortilla on the hot iron skillet all hot and bubbly ready to flip.


Flipped tortilla.  (each side only takes about 20-30 seconds, depending on how hot your skillet is)


And the yummy results!  These were thick, fluffy and very malleable, which is nice, say for Fish Tacos (which we had for supper tonight!)

The whole family enjoyed them, so I think I'll be making them again.  The best thing about them is, that they were not made with lard or shortening.  Just 2 tsps of vegetable oil.  I used olive and they turned out great.  And you can sub a cup of whole wheat flour in to make them more healthy, which I did and they were still great.  Woohoo!

And as promised, a link to the recipe.  I love the name of this blog Homesick Texan

Enjoy and let me know if you try them!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Of Late...

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First all I want to thank those who encouraged me with your comments. Your insights have helped me to see things in a different light. Yes, sometimes I do take too much on myself and not trust the Lord enough to believe He knows what He's doing. I need to work on that, but it is comforting to know He has her in the palm of His hand. He put her with me for His good purposes and I do trust that. So thank you, I do appreciate it.

Things have been busy of late. This past week was VBS at church and it went great! This was the first year we did rotational or station method and I loved it! It was also the first year I did crafts and loved it. We did Groups High Seas Expedition. It was very good. I loved the focus on God's Word, since I believe He has put a passion in me for His word and that all Christians would feast upon His word. It was a great week, but very busy. I'm tired.

And requests for my bread and cinnamon rolls have picked up. I made 12 some loaves last week, and 11 or 12 rolls this week with 4 dozen cinnamon rolls. It was a doozie of a week! I finally made out a sheet listing what I bake, which is good. I had people asking and asking for it. I so needed to get that done. I will be posting, as I get time, my recipes.

Whoops, Rhys is melting down. I'd better go help Andrew. Will continue this later!

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Letting Go.

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Ok, so I'm going to talk more about 'it'. The big, pink, elephant that sits in the middle of the room that I have to walk around everyday. The elephant that I'm usually able to cover up and ignore and for the most part not know is there. But then sometimes, the cover slips off and whoops! there he is! Stinker. Thought I was done with you. Thought I got rid of you. Thought you were gone. Now here you are. What am I supposed to do with you!? Stupid elephant.
It's all the PPD crap. I don't suppose I talk about this a whole lot. I don't feel like I can. I mean, Rhys is almost 2 years old and Nadia is almost 5, I should be over this by now. I should be 'healed' and moved on. But for whatever reason I'm not. And it's hurting today, so here I am. And if you don't want to read about it, then don't, but I need to vent. And maybe, somewhere out there some woman needs to hear this. Maybe not, but this is therapy, kay?
Everyday that my son and daughter show signs of growing (which happens to be everyday lately!) I am reminded that my time in the 'baby-zone' is quickly coming to an end. Nadia is almost ready to start school. Rhys is talking more and more and initiating conversation more. He's starting to 'go' in the potty, not regularly, mind you, but still. He's using a fork and spoon and starting to nurse not as long. He's slowly becoming a big boy. Which is good, but it's also sad. I am grateful I had Rhys' baby-hood to enjoy. I am sad that I can't remember much of Nadia's.
I am so scared I messed that girl up. I was paranoid most of the time with her. I would try to force her to nurse more because I thought that if she ate more, she'd sleep better. And if her sleep was messed up, I was messed up. I could not stand to hear her cry before she 'should've'. Whatever. I now know that babies don't read the books. They don't know they are supposed to sleep such and such times. Poor girl. I read Baby-Wise. And if I ever meet the man who wrote that, I think I'll loose it. Maybe I'd just better steer clear of him.
I really do believe that the sad patterns I formed with Nadia when I was so sick with PPD have made our relationship what it is today. And behaviors in relationships are habits. It's hard to get out of them once they are established. It's easier to let a boulder roll then it is to stop it. My grief now is that all of Nadia's life has been a battle for her. I hate that. And it's not her! It's me. It was me in the beginning and it's me perpetuating those patterns. Here's what it is, before you go thinking I'm an awful parent. I did not feel a connection with Nadia at all when she was born, not the day she was born, not 3 months later, not even at 1 year. I struggled to feel those gooshy, lovey, affectionate feelings for her. And to this day, when I do feel those, they are so few and far between, that I consider them a blessing. Rhys is different, everyday I feel it for him. But I have to choose to love Nadia. I have to choose to spend time with her. I have to choose to be nice and kind to her. Grace is not a given in our relationship. This is everyday. I hate it. It is exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I do love her, I know that. I know I love her, because I want to love her, I want to care for her, I want her to grow up feeling loved. If I didn't love her I wouldn't care what she felt. But I do. And I worry that she doesn't feel loved. I work everyday on that. But I have a sneaky suspicion that it all started back when she was born and the PPD hit. Because I started to have the same feelings after Rhys was born and the PPD started in, but when I started the meds those negative feelings changed towards him.
I see myself getting farther and farther away from baby-hood and it saddens me. I can see myself wanting another baby and forgetting just how bad it was with Rhys. I know people say I could go on meds at the end of the pregnancy and be fine. Sure, I guess. But do they really know what those drugs do to babies? Short-term? What about in the long run? They don't. And what if this time the drugs aren't enough? Sure they helped this time, but it gets worse each time. What if next time I go off? I loose it? What then? Sometimes it hurts that I've made a decision because of a sickness to be done, not because I feel done. Am I really done because our family is complete? Or because this sinister demon is looming in the background everytime? I don't know. I can't really say because PPD is a big factor. I will never really know what it's like to be a normal post-pardum mother. Baby blues would be nice. I think I could handle that. This junk that I dealt with is nasty. It's craptacular as a boss of mine used to say.
I'm not saying I want more babies, I guess this is just part of the process. And you know what really irritates me? That other people are trying to get me to have more. They won't suffice with a simple, no we're done. It's like I have to lay it all out there, all the gory details, then they let me alone. But it's not their fault, they don't know, mostly because I've only told a few people close to me. So I don't blame them. But unless you've been there, you'll never understand what it's like. PPD is nasty. This helps to let go.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Just Because....

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Just because I don't post many pics...

Just because I'm so proud of today's accomplishments...

Just because I can....
Yes, that's 10 loaves of bread.  Whole wheat, Whole wheat Oatmeal, White and Raisin.  And strawberry freezer jam.  It's been a busy day. 

I'm planning on making more freezer jam tomorrow.  I only bought one box of Sure-Jell.  My grocer was having a great sale on ripe strawberries, so I bought em up.  Now I've got to do em up.  And I found out that you can mix blueberries and strawberries.  A lady from church gave me frozen blueberries from her bushes and I was trying to figure out just how to use them up, well now I know!  I'm also planning on doing up mango jam.  My kids love mangoes and it seems they are always on sale, so....  This freezer jam stuff is great!

Note: Notice the three loaves that are shorter than all the rest?  My yeast must've been bad.  I used the last of my yeast in that batch, it was the first of the day and then had to run out and buy more and those rose beautifully!  I couldn't figure it out.  So I'm hoping the SAF yeast I ordered comes tomorrow and works as well as they say it does.  The other yeast was from Sam's Club.  I guess it's no good. 


Sunday, May 23, 2010

My Call Part Two

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At least I hope part two, I hope this isn't longer than that!

My homiletics prof divided studying, writing and delivering a sermon in small, easy to digest chunks. It was very 'beginner' oriented. I'm sure the seasoned preachers in the group were insulted. (I've learned though, that while a sermons may seem the same to those listening, each preacher writes much to his/her personality. Much like the writers of the bible. God worked through their personality to write the bible. Anyway.) I went through finding a text, studying, outlining, scripting and then finally delivering. My prof added pain by video taping every step. Joy. I have most of those steps and have watched them, once, and cringed the whole way though. But what's funny is that the actual sermon I cannot find, was not video taped, so I have no record of actually preaching it. That's ok. That's not the point.

I got to the day I was supposed to preach. I was a wreck. There were three other people who had to preach theirs. We were the only ones in the class, because the other pastor/preachers were able to video tape theirs while preaching it in their church. Kay. Another day in the life for them. But for me, this was totally out of my comfort zone. My BFF had to give her sermon and so did another classmate who was not already a pastor. I could tell they were all nervous too, which made me feel a little better about the whole ordeal.

Then my turn came. And it's funny, each time I go to preach my heart rate reaches an insane crescendo that can only be equated to a herd of wild horses galloping across the prairie (with the same cacophony of noise in my ears as well!). I get nervous, for sure. But then, right as the first words float past my lips, my 'self' is removed and God takes over. It is not me speaking the words and the nervousness slips away.

That first sermon was a life altering experience. It started a fire in my belly, that when I've described to other preachers they know what I mean. It also unleashed a deep desire I didn't know was there. I enjoyed it. I loved it. I was blown away by the feeling of the Holy Spirit moving through me.

When I was done, I sat down and we had a break for class. I just sat there, in a daze, trying to take in what had just happened. My prof came over to discuss my sermon and asked me what I was going to be doing with my education. At first I thought it was because he was saying I had no business being in the pulpit, but another classmate said, no, it's because you have a gift not often seen in young women.

After that experience, I still really struggled with having this desire and being a woman in the pulpit. I asked God to confirm that call, so that I could make sure I was hearing Him right.  I was asked on several different occasions to speak.  I only spoke at one of the requests, but that spoke to me that God had called me.  There was no denying it anymore. 

Then I graduated, got married, continued in my job and subsequently forgot about my call.  I'm not sure what I was figuring, maybe it was for a long time from now, maybe it really wasn't what I thought it was.  I know for sure I didn't' know what my new husband thought about it.  So I squelched it.  I got pregnant with Nadia and really thought that was it.  I put it in the back of my mind.  It wasn't for this time of life.  Later.  Much later.  I also read a book, called the Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson.   It reads much like The Pilgrims Progress.  The basic premise is that God writes a dream for everyone.  The dream gives the person life because it is the abundant life that God has planned for the person.  But the dream isn't easy.  There are roadblocks, monsters and obstacles to overcome.  And at one point the dream is given back to the dream giver and there is a grieving over it.  But the main character eventually gets his dream given back to him after he realizes that it is not really his dream, but the dream givers.  And he goes on to actualize his dream.  It was a good book, but it didn't really do anything for me at the time.

I had had a talk with Andrew about my call but I wasn't really straightforward with my questions.  I beat around the bush and so I didn't get the answers I really was looking for.  I was afraid of what Andrew might say or think of me.  I would've rather been in the dark with the whole thing, than to be hurt.  And I think he didn't understand the parameters of my call either, to be fair.

I had my daughter and life was consumed with baby, husband finding a job, later moving and then having another baby.  My call was always in the back of my mind, for sure, but it was like a small, poorly labeled box on a bottom shelf of my mind.  Sometimes God would bring a gentle reminder, but I told Him (mistake) that this wasn't for this time.  I had babies for pete's sake and couldn't speak, plus I didn't have the support of my husband.  I couldn't do anything outside of what he wanted, right?  Besides, where would I speak?  I couldn't just walk into any church, could I?

And then, a few months ago, God whacked me upside the head.  Andrew had a sermon based on 2 Timothy 1, called Rekindle The Flame.  Verses 6 and 7 were particularly impacting to me:

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
 I thought it best to post my husbands notes to his sermon.  The Lord spoke through him to, in essence, give me a boot to the head.  The following are copied from my husbands sermon that day:
In the word translated “stir up” we have repetition, life and fire.

So when we read “stir up” think rekindle the flame, relive the lightning. Again give life to the fire.

A fire if left go will eventually burn itself out. A blazing fire is warm and gives light around it. We can lay in front of a fireplace or cook smores around a campfire. And if we don't add any wood, by morning the beautiful fire may only be a few coals. And it can be a lot of work rekindling that fire.

If you have a wood or coal furnace. You want to keep the fire going.

God's power can flow through us. His love can flow through us to others. His wisdom sharpens our minds.

But these things will naturally fade if we do not focus on tending the fire in us.

God will not empower us if we ignore his commands. God will not channel His love through us if we ignore His love. God will not teach us if we ignore His word.
When these words reached my ears it was like God was telling me "Kathryn, I've given you a gift, if you don't use it, you will loose it.  Let Me decide when you should use it."  That hit me.  I didn't want to loose any gift given to me by God, much less this one.  I really enjoyed preaching.  I needed to talk to Andrew, and pronto!  So that night I discussed it with Andrew.  He told me that yes, he saw a gift, and yes he supported me.  Wow!  That's exactly what I needed to hear from him.  I talked to my BFF and she too supported me.  And then it was up to God to give me a time.  He used one of the ladies from the church, she asked me to preach for our women's sunday, unbeknown to her what had transpired between God and I.  Well, that was it.  I couldn't deny it anymore.  I felt like the gift had been given back to me.  It was humbling. 

I started studying and the writing of the sermon flowed.  It felt so natural.  And the actual giving of the sermon went so well.  It was just like the first time.  My husband told me, before I delievered the sermon "If I know you, you'll be sad it's over, you'll be hungry to do it again."  And he's right.  I can't wait to do it again.  I am so hungry to be used again.

Right now I pray for a pure heart.  I pray for a pure mind.  I pray for a pure attitude in all of this.  I'll be honest, it would be so easy to become puffed up about this.  But I don't want to become like that.  When that happens it becomes about me.  And that's dangerous.  This is His work, this is His church, this is His word.  I'm just honored and blessed to be even considered to do work with Him.  What a profound place we are in when we can work side by side with our awesome God!  I am humbled that He would use me for anything!  I am so flawed!  I am so selfish, so me me me.  How He can use a character like me is amazing.  No, it's grace.

So that is my story.  I am grateful to have shared it with you. 




Friday, May 14, 2010

My Call

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Disclaimer: I'm about to bare a little bit of my soul here, a little bit more than usual. If transparency bothers you, don't say you weren't forewarned. 

We are going way back, I mean way back.  Back to high school graduation.  At my private, Christian school graduation I was one of just a few that had absolutely no idea what I was going to school for.  I had applied to a local community college with an undecided track.  I was hoping soon that something would pop up for me.  I figured I could take care of the gen ed's first then maybe by that point a major would sound somewhat appealing.  I had a lot of things that sounded good and that I thought I could maybe do, but nothing clicked, or made me purr.

That is, until, November 1998.  I was going to turn 19.  I was in a bible study that I attended each week and was asked to read from Isaiah 6.
1 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. 2 Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. 3 And they were calling to one another:
       "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
       the whole earth is full of his glory."  4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
 5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
 6 Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. 7 With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."
 8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
      And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

I cannot tell you the experience I had reading this.  It was like I had been moved from the living room of my pastors house to the throne room of God, to the actual spot Isaiah was in.  I felt like the Lord was speaking to me.  And I felt like He was asking me, who will I send?  Who will go for us?  And I answered just as Isaiah had, Here am I.  Send me!  And I was excited!  I wanted to go.

From then on I pursued an education in bible studies/pastoral studies/christian studies something like that.  I didn't want to be a pastor, I didn't want to be a missionary, I didn't want to be a preacher.  I just wanted to absorb all I could about the bible, about God, about Christ.  I wanted more.  So I applied to a seminary and they accepted me.  Their program was a Bachelor of Arts in Religious Studies, Christian Studies Emphasis, Pastoral Studies Focus.  A really long title that means those who are old enough when they enter can be ordained within the denomination I am a part of.  I was not old enough.  That's ok, I still don't feel God calling me to be ordained.

I went to seminary, studied hard, met my very BFF and my sweet hubby.  I also had a homiletics class.  According to the seminary's catalog the course of homiletics is:

Students demonstrate understanding of a theology of preaching and the application of exegesis and hermeneutics in developing biblical sermons suitable for contemporary settings. They identify the biblical and theological basis for preaching; explore the nature of contemporary settings in which preaching takes place; and prepare, deliver, and critique sermons.
Did you catch that last part?  I'll repeat it, just so we're clear.  PREPARE, DELIVER AND CRITIQUE SERMONS.  Hello!  I am not a public speaker!  I am not going to be a pastor and I don't want to do that!  You see, I had to put together a sermon and deliver said sermon to a classroom of my peers.  Only thing is, said classroom is not my peers.  The program I was a part of was fairly new when I got in it.  In fact, I was the second young woman to enter it.  The first one was my BFF.  She had been in it a whopping 4 months before I came along.   We were so very alone there.  Most of the people there were older men, some where old enough to be our fathers.  And most were already pastoring churches.  They were preparing and delivering sermons on a weekly basis, taking this class was going to be cake.  Not for me.  I had only given a handful of speeches before in my life and they were before peers.  You know, other high school students or college students who couldn't give a rip about what I was saying.  And now they wanted me to do what?  I was too far vested into the program to drop out, so I gritted my teeth and took the class. 

I have a feeling this is going to be long, so I'm going to finish the rest of this in Part 2.  Tune in next week....

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Sermon - The Christian Mission

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This was the sermon I preached this past sunday, the one I had y'all praying for me for.  (Thanks, by the way!)  It preaches so much better than it reads, but I guess that's true for a lot of things.  I look forward to your thoughts!  I will be posting soon about this whole process of my personal call and my thoughts on this past sunday.   

Good morning! Sure is different being on this side of the pulpit. A whole lot more terrifying. Although being on that side can be just as terrifying. You never know what the Lord is going to say, how He will convict or how he will make you uncomfortable. That's how I ended up here speaking to you now. He called me one sunday morning, through the word of His servant in my comfy seat to stand up, speak His word. And that is why I stand before you now.

Today is Thank Bank Sunday. The in-gathering day for all the little thank banks you see around. Grace Pierson, the founder of the Thank Bank believed in Missions, believed in the word and the life changing power of the word. So much that she started the Thank Bank program.

Ah, the word, the bible, the canon, it is our life! So even though today is a different sunday we will not deviate from what we are here to do. Cuz it aint church unless you open the word. And if there is one thing I've learned from sitting under my husbands preaching is that if you are going to preach the word you'd better talk to the Man who wrote it first. Let's pray.

It is no secret in scripture that God calls us to tell others about Him. We see it everywhere. From Noah, to John, God called people to tell others about Him. Our relationship with God was damaged in the garden and it has never been the same. Since that time God has been calling us back to peace with Him. He has made a way. He has prepared a road for us to walk on in order to return to Him. Only many don't even know the road exists. He knows this. So he tells us, who know the road, know how to get to the road, to tell others about the road.

One such person in scripture is Ezekiel. Ezekiel was a prophet of God, a spokesperson, a mouth piece, a bull horn. He carried God's messages to His people. The book of Ezekiel is full of so many wonderful beings and scenes. Many are hard to comprehend or imagine. Just before God speaks to Ezekiel to call him to be his prophet, he sees a vision of God. He sees the four winged creatures, the strange wheels with eyes all over them. He hears the noise that comes with these creatures, loud like an army he says. Then, he sees God.

Ezekiel 2 – 3:11

Ezekiel's response is appropriate. In the presence of Holy God, the only response sinful man can have is to fall! Sin cannot stand in the presence of God. Ezekiel probably thinks he's a dead man. But God has something different in mind. He has a mission for Ezekiel. Here he is, a captive priest among family and friends standing on a riverbank in a foreign land and God appears and speaks to him. Isn't that like God? He speaks to us at the most unassuming time. I'm sure Ezekiel had other things on his mind at this point. He probably thought that God had abandoned them, I'm sure he wasn't expecting God to show up, at least not in enemy territory. And not only does God show up, but he has a job for him to do.

God is calling Ezekiel to speak for him amongst the captives. He tells Ezekiel that it will not be an easy job, mainly because they won't listen. He says that if he had sent him to a foreign people his job would be easy because they would listen! God says “Heck, they won't listen to me, you shouldn't expect them to listen to you. But I want you to go, I want you to speak, so they will know that I have spoken to them”. Basically they have no excuse for the muck they got themselves into. That's probably how they got themselves into this mess in the first place, weren't listening to God, weren't following God and so God passed judgment on them.

So God tells him to speak, God tells Ezekiel they won't listen, but the Lord says he wants him to go anyway. And I think the Lord tells Ezekiel they won't listen as encouragement. Because in verse 6 he says don't fear them, don't fear their words or their looks, because they are rebellious so naturally they won't listen.

And then he says, but don't you be like that. You listen to me. Take my word, take it into yourself, make it apart of yourself. And he hands him the word. Ezekiel eats it, even though it is full of lamentations and woe. It's written full of the terrible things that are going to happen to Israel. Who wants to read the terrifying things of revelations or Daniel? But yet, Ezekiel eats it and says that it is sweet like honey. That is the word of God! Sweet to those who take it in. Sweet, filling, satisfying and life giving.

So God gives him a job as a prophet among his own people, he fills him with His word to speak and then He gives him the encouragement he needs to do the job. He says I have made you just as bullheaded as they are. I get the image of two rams butting heads when I read verse 8 of chapter 3.

Read Ezekiel 3:8


Ezekiels job is going to be hard! The people aren't going to listen, they are going to butt heads. It will be like talking to a brick wall. We've all had conversations like that. You sit there talking to someone and they just stare at you with that deer in the headlights look. Just blank. And God warns him about this. He says it's gonna happen! But don't let it get you down Ezekiel! Don't get discouraged. Because I told you it would happen. But you be obedient and speak to the people whether they hear or whether they refuse. Be obedient.

I believe this word is for us today. Grace peirson was passionate about missions. These little banks were originally designed to collect money for missions. And a lot of time when we think of missions we think of Africa, India, China, some place far away from here, far away from me. Some place where someone else goes and does the hard work. It's good enough for me to throw some money at it, pray some nice prayers for those people and be about my business. If you are a christian it is not enough to just throw money at it. God is calling us to a people that we know. And people that know us. He is calling us to a rebellious people. I need not tell you the state of our nation, we know it all too well. We've heard it time and again what our president has said. We are no longer a christian nation! He is blatantly turning his back on God. As a nation we have rebelled against our roots. We are much like the nation of Israel of Ezekiels time. And God is calling us, you and me, to speak His word to them. And he's telling us it's not going to be easy. They will scoff at you, they will laugh at you, look at you like you are from Mars and they will hurt you. And, worst of all, they won't listen.

The theme for the women's ministry for the past three years has been mold me, fill me, use me. It is a model of calling. God first calls us, then he fills us with his word and then we are ready to be used. We can see from Ezekiel's call that that process can be a matter of minutes.

So we know we've got the call. Throughout scripture God has been calling His people to tell others about Him. Jesus gave us that in the great commission in Matt 28:19 – Go therefore and make disciples of all nations. Mark 16:15 – Go into all the world and preach the gospel. Acts 1: 8 – you shall be witnesses to me in jerusalem (your local neighborhood), Judea (the larger area like clearfield county) and samaria (the places and people you don't want to go to) and to the end of the earth. It's pretty clear that our first calling is to the people we know and who know us.

Second in this calling is the word. We can't preach the word of God to others if we dont' have it in our very being, our very souls. That means we need to be eating it every day like the food we eat. What would happen to our families, our churches, our neighborhoods if we devoured the word of God as much as we devour our breakfasts, lunches and dinners? Change. We would change as would our world. The word is our nourishment our life! So many christians are spiritually walking around gaunt, pale and near death all because they aren't eating up the word of God. They are spiritually malnourished. Barely alive in His word. He isn't kidding when he says it's the bread of life. Bread is the basis of food for many people in many nations. Without that bread they would die. It is so with our Christian life. We need the word of God. Everyday. Without fail. We cannot survive without it.

Then third in our calling is go, tell. You'll notice this is action! We can't spread God's word with closed mouths and stationary feet, we must move! And this action is simple: repeat what you read. That's all. The Holy Spirit will supply those words. You've been there, a conversation, a situation, and somehow a scripture comes up, that's the Holy Spirit. But He won't do that, or can't do that unless you've read that word. When that happens, repeat it. And be a witness: repeat the times that Jesus has been real to you. So going, doing, telling is just repeat the word and repeat when Christ was real. That's easy.


Those of us who are His Children, saved by His grace, in the family, whatever your choice phrase is for 'being saved' is, have a mission, a job given to us by the Father. We have been called to speak His word to the nations, but we cannot speak the word unless we know the word. So we must ingest it everyday. Eat it up, savor it like you would a good brownie, or cookie, or fudge. And then, once you have been fed and nourished, once the word has been given to you and become a part of you, then go, tell about that good word. And we must always remember that our sign of success is not how many people we 'save', but rather our faithfulness to the call that God has given us. Our obedience to His calling in our life is our measure of success. That is how He measures success.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Today...Updated

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For all those following....sermon went great. The Lord spoke through His servant and His word was uplifted. I was obedient, so it was all good.

Sermon to follow.

Today

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It's early. Oh not so early, but I'm the only one up, the house is quiet and I preach today. That is enough to rouse me out of a comfy bed on a sunday morning this early. I don't suppose many will read this before we walk to church, but that's ok, I'm sure the Lord reads my blog too. That's kind of a funny thought, the Lord reading my blog. Sweet.

I haven't talked much about this at all. I've mentioned it a few times, but not really discussed it at length. In truth, I'm afraid of people's responses and I'm just not ready to fight it yet. But maybe I wouldn't get a fight. Who knows?

I'm preaching today. I'm not afraid. Nervous yes. But I'm a whole lotta excited. God has called me to this, I can tell. I thought maybe He did when I received all those affirmations, but I can tell for sure when I do it. The power of the Spirit comes on and it's for sure. I enjoy it! Who would've ever thought shy little Kathryn would be preaching in front of people. I think it was harder to preach in front of Andrew last night than in front of a crowd of people. Your gaze can get lost in a crowd, but when your husband comes in and out it's a little unnerving. But I did ok.

The only thing I don't like about preaching is that you say things that are uncomfortable. But I suppose that's the main point. God isn't around to make us feel good. Change hurts sometimes. I suppose that's why I feel just a bit unsettled. This is different for me. I grew up thinking women shouldn't preach. And here I am doing this today. Honey, I don't know, I just know what I cannot deny anymore. The Lord has placed this call on my life and it's more dangerous to say no, or not yet, or You are wrong to the Lord, than it is to go with man. I'm trusting Him.

So I go. And yet, when I think about the people and what they might say, there is a bit of fear. And then I remember the word for today. Ezekiel 2:1-3:8.

And so again, I go.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Thoughts On a Prayer

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I need not speak of the state of our nation. It's in a shambles. So far from where we once were, calling on the name of God openly in schools, in government, in freedom. Slowly that freedom is being taken away. This does not surprise me. Not at all. In fact, I forsee a day when we are persecuted just as much as our brothers and sisters in Africa, China, India, etc. Who are we to be exempt? It's interesting that the places where the presecution is the strongest, the church is also growing the most. Perhaps persecution is what we need to strengthen our faith, to call us to our knees and to the Word.

In light of this, I was reading in 2 Samuel tonight. I read in chapter 21 where there was a famine in the land for three years. King David got before the Lord and asked Him why things were the way they were and God told him. It was because of the sin that Saul had done against a body of people, the Gibeonites, that the Israelites had promised to protect. What struck me was that this sin was performed by Saul, not David and yet the result of it, not a natural result I might add, was conducted on David and his kingdom. What's even more intersting that when David made amends for it, which was the lives of seven descendants of Saul, that the famine abated.

That got me thinking, we pray for so many things to be changed "Oh Lord, please help our president to be a more Christian man, lead our government, put prayer back in our schools...." While these are all good prayers and there is nothing wrong with praying them, I believe the focus is off. We are giving great suggestions to God on what needs changed. These things are all symptoms of a bigger problem that goes much deeper. We need to be asking the Lord what He sees that needs changing. Or maybe it comes closer to home than that "Lord what needs changing in ME?" Sometimes the problem wasn't caused by us, but we perpetuate the problem, allow it continue or turn a blind eye. In some ways that's the same as acting out in the sin itself. It is for that we need forgiveness and atonement.

Lord what is it that You want to change in our Nation? What is it that You want to change in me?

2 Chronicles 7:14 repeats the story in 2 Samuel 21 with a promise "If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

There is action here. And it's not about those who are not in the church, it is an action of God's people. We are the ones who can change this nation back, and it's a action of the heart. Our prayers about those people out there to change their evil ways are ok, but the only person I can change is me. Revival begins here, with me, in my heart. Oh Lord change me.

(cuz I need it)