9/29/10 Exercise Report

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Normally I don't take Tuesdays off. Usually I take Sundays and Thursdays off. However, Rhys was having an all night pajama party in his room Monday night, so I decided to take Tuesday off. That's why there is no report for that day. I'll workout Thursday to compensate.

I did Jillian Michael's Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism today from start to finish. She had some burpee's in there. The first set I did the two leg hop back, the second set I did one leg at a time. But then on the laying down ab pikes I actually lifted both legs at the same time in both sets. I know I wasn't able to do that before. It was a good, tough, sweaty 50 some minutes of exercising. I feel good, even though I'm still tired from all that sleep loss.

I am trying to do planks on all four sides before going to bed. We'll see how that goes. I'm at a lower weight than last year at this time, although I've not lost anymore since the initial eating more two weeks ago, but that's ok. I feel good, no, I feel great and that's what matters.

I have a goal to do the same 5K I did this year, only to win in my age division. I know I can do it.

9/27/10 Exercise Report

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I've decided to post my daily exercise doings. Helps keep me accountable and I can sort of track how I'm doing.

Treadmill Run Intervals: Warmup 2 mins, speed walk 1 min, easy run 1 min, sprint 1 min. Completed a 5K distance in 38 mins. 4.5 mins slower than my PR. But, I'm conditioning myself to run faster. I don't think I'll ever do anything over a 5K, but I'm seeking to increase my time. They say that intervals is how athletes train to become stronger. So I figure if I run some hard intervals, I'll get stronger and be able to run faster when I just flat out run.

I was able to do this pretty well. Although afterwards when I was upstairs getting water, I felt really lightheaded and wanted to almost pass out. Gotta fix that. I'm slower on the treadmill, I'm not sure if that's because of the intervals, gotta be. I mean I was walking, even if I was speed walking, it was still walking. I'll have to run a 5K distance sometime in the far future to see how this conditioning is working.

I'll keep you posted.

Birthday Boy

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My baby turns two today.

Boo.

He's not supposed to be this big. Granted I'm glad he's two, I wouldn't do the newborn stage again if someone paid me. I don't do newborns well.

But he's two. And a far cry from that little bitty baby in the pic. 

 

Happy birthday Rhys!

New Quilt

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Well I finished it. It's done. My junk, er I mean my Whimsical Quilt, as Andrew calls it.

Here's the story. I received a bunch of scraps and got tired of them laying around, so one afternoon I just started sewing them together and got this:

The hearts you see are an effort to cover up mistakes. I think the mistakes turned out pretty cute! It did bust out my stash and it will go on the end of the bed as insurance against those extra cold nights.

Now this next one I didn't do the quilting.  The Lord, however, did some nice knitting....

 

Har har har. 

Did you notice the rounded corners on the quilt?  That was my first attempt.  It went ok.  But one thing I know, I hate using bought bias tape to do the bindings on quilts.  I've used it on two and it just doesn't turn out as nice.  Yuk.  But I had a ton given to me and I wanted to use it up. 

What do you think?  At the very least, it is warm and serves it's purpose.  I don't think I'll ever quilt something just to hang on a wall.  I want all my quilts to work.  Heck, I worked to make them, they should earn their keep! 

Christmas

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There. I said it. We've all been thinking it, so I saved you the pain and said it first.

I'm sewing this year. In an effort to save money, reduce my stash and strut my stuff, I'm sewing everyone's christmas gifts. That is, everyone in my house. I'm super stoked about these ideas I found online, so I thought I'd share.

Rhys is getting a quilt. A jean quilt to be exact. Nadia got one on her 2nd year christmas, so will Rhys. (I'm type A remember? Things have to be precise!) Her's looked like this:

She still uses it.  It's on her bed right now, in fact.  It's quite heavy and yes it's made out of old jeans and an old jean skirt.  She stuffs clean tissues in the pockets when she's gota cold.  It works quite well.  Anyhoo, Rhys' will be more of a diamond strip quilt.  I will not put any batting in the middle, the flannel backing the heavy jean material make it thick and warm enough.  I do, however, put a layer of muslin just to keep the raw seams from wearing out the flannel.  I'm about halfway through this project. 

Nadia's Christmas gifts are super cute this year.  And super easy.  Check out these links for ultra-girlie, ultra princessy gifts.  She is going to go ga-ga.  Hopefully, she won't change her tastes in 4 months.  Ugh.  I'd hate it if she suddenly liked Hannah Montana, or something super trendy like that.  Oh perish the thought.  Anyway, the links:

Fairy Wings

Tutu T-shirt

Tutu

I told you, super cute, super princessy, and super easy! 

And Andrew is getting another vest.  It's about time.  He's been rotating through the same 5 vests for two years now.  Poor guy.  I haven't quite figured out what color to do for him, but we'll find something.  

Now don't tell them what they are getting.  Hopefully it gets cold here soon and the garden will die and I can get more sewing done.  

I should have my Junk quilt done soon to show you.  

Till then my friends!

Screamin....

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I had THE most screamin awesome weekend I've had in a long time. I think the last one was the weekend spent away for our 5th anniversary.

To start with, I got to preach sunday morning! Woohoo! Now that being said, the kids were sick, I mean Nadia was puking and Rhys was coming down with a cold. Nadia had a cold too, but when she gets one she pukes. (Anyone got any advice on that, I'll listen!) Yuck. So Andrew couldn't go to church. I was there, all alone. Well not all alone, but you know, I didn't have my most amazing hubby to look at for courage. I had to totally rely on the Lord, which I suppose is a better lesson anyway. But it went well. He is faithful and I'm glad I did it. I look forward to the next time I can do it again.

Then, today, I completed my first 5K! My time was 34.24. Which for me was great! Most of the time in my training sessons I did about 40 mins. So I improved! And the course was tough. Rocky, rutted, dirt trail, with wet grass, hills and then some road. I'm used to road. But I finished and I finished well. I'm super excited and am dreaming about the next one. That's nuts. I am going to take a break a bit, I get bored easily with the same thing. I will still run 1 day a week for a few months, 5K distance just to keep it up, but I'm also getting out my bike and biking once a week. I'll still do strength training 2x a week and then the other cardio will be whatever my little heart desires. I need to keep it fun and fresh or I'll get bored and whimpy in my workouts. Not good. Here are a few pics from the day:

Blah.

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I do realize that mum has been the word for a few weeks. It's been nutsy around here. In a nutshell, here has been the past 4 weeks:

• Nadia had her 5th birthday.  Andrew's mom and dad were up and we had a very nice little family party.  She got lots of princess stuff, which she loves and also some stuff for school.  Talk about that later.
• I completed my Couch to 5K program, which I had never done before.  I feel real good about that, although running at 30 mins a clip is still difficult.  I have less than a week till my 5K and barring any unforseen problems, I'll be doing it.  At this point I just want to finish.  
• Andrew had surgery Aug 25 for sleep apnea.  The procedure is called LAUP.  You can google that, because I haven't the time or patience to link it.  This, my friends, has been difficult.  My husband does not carry a lot of extra weight and since the surgery he has lost, at last count, 8 lbs.  And that was a few days ago.  He has severe pain eating, and his throat is sore most of the time.  He still has episodes of not breathing when he's sleeping.  I've retreated to the guest bed, I just can't hear it.  It frightens me too much.  We see the doc this afternoon, hopefully he can give us something that will help.  He just hurts so.  
• Nadia starts school tomorrow.  I do not feel ready for this.  I mean, I'm ready for her to go, but I just don't know if I'm ready physically.  I mean, will I be able to pack a good enough lunch?  She is supposed to have memorized this pin code for her lunch/milk money and she hasn't, my fault.  I just don't feel ready.  
• Oh and I'm preaching on sunday.  Any other time I'd be just bouncing off the walls with glee and I am, but the other things going on have overshadowed this excitement.  

Grief has been trying to settle in and take it's course over my grandma, but it's hard to let myself do that with all the other stuff going on.  I just don't feel like I've got time.  Yesterday in my run I started to cry.  What the heck?  Do you know how hard it is to cry when you are running?  I felt like my lungs were going to pop.  Like is hard right now, not as hard as some, I'm sure, but it's hard.  I'm tired.  I need a nap.  And I need a friend.  Pray for us, would you? 

Beautiful

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Forgive me for not posting an update on Sunday. Sunday's weigh in was, well, depressing. But it shouldn't have been. Here goes. According to the scale, on Sunday, I had lost 4lbs total. BUT I should say that friday I was down 6lbs, however, my cycle is coming any day, so I'm taking Sunday's reading with a grain of salt. 4lbs is still good. Considering I hadn't lost anything for well over a year. So I'm eager to see what I'm at when this whole womanly business is over.

The eating part of the diet is going well. My skin is in the best condition it's been in a long time. I have energy. And I've eaten a few pieces of bread. No fruit, yet, that's coming. I'm going back into those sorts of things real slow. I made a high fiber bread, that when I'm done tweeking it, I'll post the recipe on here. It's an original recipe! I had a name for it, but I renamed it to Russian Renewal Bread. I'm proud of my Russian heritage and the bread is so hearty it feels russian. My husband ate a little too much of it and after this morning he did say he felt renewed. Hah!

My running is going great. The last two times I've got this charge, I feel like electric all over. They tell me that's the high. Well I LOVE it! I'm going to keep running, I think. I've printed off the registration form for the race. I'm gonna do it. I can't wait! I almost want to find another race to do too, before it gets too cold. We'll see.

So why the title 'Beautiful'?  Check out the pic.

Some may think I just look sweaty and gross, and while I am sweaty, I think I look beautiful.  I just got done running before this pic.  I felt strong, confident and beautiful.  Running makes me feel good.  And that is beautiful. 

SBD Day 7 Update and Weigh In

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*grumble grumble*

I loathe to post this update, but I said I would and I suppose there are some who are waiting on baited breath to hear my weigh in.

So after a week of none of my bread, no pizza, no rolls, no pasta, or fruit, or or or.... You get the picture. I'm down a measly 2 pounds. Granted that's 2 lbs gone, but still I was hoping for more.

Here's some FYI about this whole thing. I have the 'way of women' right now, not that one, the other one, no I'm not pregnant. Good grief, the mid-way way of women. KWIM? Men, are you clueless right now? Are there any men who read this blog? If there were there isn't now. Anyway, I always gain a few lbs in water weight during that time, and usually I drop it soon after, so hopefully that's what's holding things up.

I do feel trimmer. I mean, I don't feel near as puffy as I usually do during this time. And the veggies are getting better. The cravings, however, are not. Oh I long for my bread! And I'll tell you next sunday morning I'm having a nice slice of my bread with peanut butter slathered all over top. I've been dreaming about that, I have. But hopefully next sunday I'll be another 2lbs lighter. This stinkin diet better work, for all the bread I've given up. Gee wizz.

So there you go. That's the update.

My Fave Pizza Dough Recipe

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Tammy you so mean....

Whole Wheat and Honey Pizza Dough
This pizza dough is the best I've made yet. It's low fat, low cal, and my family loves it. It doubles, triples and quadruples well. I will sometimes make a large batch and freeze the rest so that the next time I make pizza I just have to take it out and let it defrost on the counter and in a few hours it's ready to go. This is extra good with freshly ground wheat flour and if the whole wheat is too much just sub a cup of white in there. Really good stuff. I can't wait to eat it again!

1 pkg active dry yeast
1 C. warm water
2 C. whole wheat flour
1/4 c wheat germ
1 tsp salt
1 tbls honey

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees (If you use a stone place that in there now this will result in a crisper crust on the bottom)
2. In a small bowl dissolve yeast in warm water. Let stand until creamy, about 10 minutes
3. In a large bowl combine half of the flour, all wheat germ and salt. Make a well in the middle and add honey and yeast mixture. Stir well to combine. Gradually add the remaining flour till it forms a nice ball that cleans the sides of the bowl. It should be smooth, slightly sticky. Cover and set in a warm place to rest for a few minutes. The longer you let this rise the easier it is to spread out on the pan later on.
4. Roll dough on a floured pizza pan and poke a few holes in it with a fork. You can also sprinkle cornmeal on the pan instead of the flour for a truly pizzeria feel.
5. Bake in preheated oven for 5-10 minutes, top with your best yummy toppings and bake until desired crispiness.

Enjoy!

Here is a link to my fave pizza recipe! BBQ Chicken and Onion Pizza!

Can't Wait....

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I've got some serious cravings over here in no carb land. Ugh. I didn't realize how much I ate those things. I can barely get through a meal now. I'm so sick of salads and eggs with veggies in them. I could almost barf right now thinking of it. And it's only day 5. I need me some bread, man!

So to console myself I'm dreaming and creating a list of the things I'm dying for:

• Chocolate, any kind, I'm not picky.  Dark, milk, I'd even go for an Ande's mint (I don't believe mint and chocolate should do business.)
• A nice thick piece of my bread slathered with at least an inch thick of peanut butter
• Two pieces of my bread with miracle whip, lettuce, onion, tomato, cheese and chicken salad
• A piece of my bread toasted with butter and cinnamon and sugar all over top
• Steel cut oats with brown sugar and milk
• Cheerios with sugar and milk
• That banana bread I made last week that's been taunting me this week
• Roasted potatoes
• Bacon bits
• Oatmeal and raisin cookies
• Raisins
• Fruit!  Any kind, I'm not being picky.
• A piece of my pizza.  Oh my pizza.  My beloved, luscious, mouth watering, scrumptious pizza.  Oh how I miss you.  

That's all I can think of right now.  Thankfully, most of these things will be added back in in a week an a half.  I can wait.  Maybe that's how people loose weight on this diet.  By the end of the first week they can't stand the sight of broccoli anymore they just vomit upon eating.  How am I going to make it through another week?  If you are praying for me, keep praying!

Insane In the Membrane

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A friend of mine is sharing her insanity. I'm thinking in a few years when Rhys is in school and I can join the Y I will try this.
I was getting irritated at hearing this everytime I got on my blog.  Ugh.  If you really want to know what it was, leave a comment and I'll send you to it. 

Beginner
What do you think?  I think with training I can do it.  

SBD Day 2 Update

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I thought I'd give a quickie update on how the whole diet thing is going.  

So far so good.  I'm at a time of the month, not THE time of the month, but a different time of the month when I'm usually gorging on food because I'm so dang hungry!  And this time I'm not.  I get hungry about an hour before meals, but that's ok, because I'm going to eat.  Now like tonight I was hungry about an hour after supper and I ate a small snack and I'll tell you people I'm full.  Not stuffed, just satisfyingly full.  I like that feeling.  I don't like that empty, painful gut feeling.  And I got that, a lot.  So I ate, a lot.  Keep in mind I kept it all within caloric ranges, but I guess I was eating all the wrong things.  

Anyhoo.  I'm being 'good' and eating what I should.  I was worried about getting in enough fiber or going over my calories for the day, but I am meeting both those needs.  It's good.  And I'm also meeting my fat needs for the day too.  Before I'd totally be under where I was supposed to be.  

I feel good.  I won't know if it's working until Sunday.  I'm keeping myself from weighing until then.  THAT is the hardest part.  Not the eating.  No, it's the not weighing.  Hopefully I'll survive.  :)


Till tomorrow. 

I'm On A....

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....diet.  Shhhhh, don't tell anyone.  I don't know why but I hate to say that.  I don't like to adhere to 'commercial' diets.  I don't like to rely on someone else's prescribed way of eating.  I like to do my own research and do my own thing.  I'm terribly independent.  But, well, I'm on a diet.  Here's the story. 

Last March I reached my pre pregnancy weight.  And I stopped.  I lost no more weight.  In fact by that September I started gaining.  I've continue to gain.  I gained 12lbs since then.  It's horrible.  And I was counting all my calories, exercising every day.  I was doing all the 'right' things.  It was frustrating. 

So I went to my doc.  She tested me for many things and found everything within normal ranges.  That said, I at least know my eating right is going well because my cholesterol is great!  I had some other issues, ones of a ladies nature, and I was tired all the time.  But when nothing was found she prescribed Zoloft.  That didn't seem to fit.  So I went to my OB/GYN.  Let me tell you this is a great doc.  She sat with me for an hour discussing my issues. 

We came to the conclusion that the added weight, along with what was already there (because even thought I had lost a ton of weight I still had extra fat) was causing me to have lady problems.  She prescribed a medicine to take a certain days for just three months in hopes that it would help restart my system and she suggested I look into and do the South Beach Diet.  I balked. 

I eat right, I exercise.  It's certainly not me!  Well she loaned me a copy and after reading it I concluded that yes, it could be me.  I realize I bake all my own whole grain breads, but I still eat a lot of carbs.  I thought, well I haven't much to loose, except the weight.  So I'm trying it. 

Today is day one.  So far so good. 

From what I read it's a 'diet' in the beginning, but it slowly weans you off the 'diet' phase, into a life changed phase. I can live with that.  I really can. 

I really hope it works.  I really do.  I don't know what else to try.  And it seems that it works for many people.  I can be very disciplined when it comes to things like this.  If I know what I need to do, I can do it.  I guess it's my type A personality.  Just tell me what to do. 

I'll keep you updated.  Pray for me.  Please, would you? 

I'll Fly Away....

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I love that song.


My grandmother has passed. You may remember my grandmother Evelyn having had a stroke about a year and a half ago right before Christmas. She rallied and was doing quite well, considering, since that time. I saw her about a year ago. In the past month she weakened and she declared her independence from this life on July 4th. I miss her. She was my closest grandparent. I know she's in fine form in heaven and I'll see her again. But I still miss her.

A friend from church sent me a poem she wrote about occasions like these. I asked her permission to post it and she agreed. It fits.

Stand Not There...
~Ruth Kephart~

Stand not by my grave and weep
Where my body’s buried cold and deep
I am not, nor, were ever there
Beneath the ground now striped and bare

Stand not by my casket closed
Head bowed down, your stance reposed
Wherein the lowly vessel lies
I am not there, mine is the skies

Please, stand not under falling rain
In cemetery filled with pain
Where mourners gather out of love
I am not there, I’ve rose above

Oh stand not there, and do not cry
My dearest friends, I’ll tell you why
I’ve gone to greater places far
Above soft clouds and glistening star

'Till one day we shall meet once more
Where angels sing on golden shore
So do not stand there, do not weep
Let my body go, my memory keep




See ya later, Grandma.

Vision

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I should've seen this one coming. I mean, it's the way God works, isn't it?

I'm reading a book. Hah! I'm reading several, but the one that has my attention at this moment is You Can Still Wear Cute Shoes by Lisa McKay. It's a book of advice for pastors wives. (mini review) Very good and great advice. I should say though, I am at a very rare, but blessed spot to be in. Our church has two older pastors wives who's husbands have retired (or gone on) from the ministry. I'm sure they'd have a thing or two to share! But anyway, check out the book, ladies, if you are needing some advice as your roll as a PW, or laypeople to understand your ministry couple. I digress.


I read a quote that comforts me from my previous post Letting Go.

God will not allow even an ounce of pain if He doesn't intend for it to produce pounds and pounds of cure. 

We also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope.  (Rom. 5:3-4)

 My husband has also been taking our church through the life of Joseph and our church is going to see a wonderful play on the life of Joseph tomorrow.  We were discussing his recent sermons and the scripture came up:

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.(Gen 50:20)

See I know these things, but I guess I forget.  Because I needed another lesson.  And this is all so very comforting.  It redeems it.  Something that hurts my heart so very badly can/could be used to give others hope.  Oh Lord let it be so.  Please use my hurt to heal.

Just had to share my insight with you.  Have a blessed day.

Mira lo que hice!

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I made tortillas tonight! I feel so accomplished! I mean, come on, I'm a Pennslyvania Dutch girl, who milked cows, ate pig stomach (ew), and know's that pot pie is not the stuff with the crust on top! I made tortillas! And they were good. Not just good, but great! My family loved them. I don't think I'll ever go back to store bought again. Here are some pics:

The whole process is really easy.  If you have a kitchenaid it's super easy.  Mix it up, let it rest, separate into balls, rest, roll, cook.  That's it!

Here's the ball

Here is the rolled out uncooked tortilla.  You know I always use the other side of this block for shaping bread and completely forgot the other side had all these markings on it.  I was looking around for a ruler when the light went on over my head.  *Ding!*  Aha!  I have markings on the other side.  Woohoo! 

This is the tortilla on the hot iron skillet all hot and bubbly ready to flip.

Flipped tortilla.  (each side only takes about 20-30 seconds, depending on how hot your skillet is)

And the yummy results!  These were thick, fluffy and very malleable, which is nice, say for Fish Tacos (which we had for supper tonight!)

The whole family enjoyed them, so I think I'll be making them again.  The best thing about them is, that they were not made with lard or shortening.  Just 2 tsps of vegetable oil.  I used olive and they turned out great.  And you can sub a cup of whole wheat flour in to make them more healthy, which I did and they were still great.  Woohoo!

And as promised, a link to the recipe.  I love the name of this blog Homesick Texan. 

Enjoy and let me know if you try them!

Of Late...

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First all I want to thank those who encouraged me with your comments. Your insights have helped me to see things in a different light. Yes, sometimes I do take too much on myself and not trust the Lord enough to believe He knows what He's doing. I need to work on that, but it is comforting to know He has her in the palm of His hand. He put her with me for His good purposes and I do trust that. So thank you, I do appreciate it.

Things have been busy of late. This past week was VBS at church and it went great! This was the first year we did rotational or station method and I loved it! It was also the first year I did crafts and loved it. We did Groups High Seas Expedition. It was very good. I loved the focus on God's Word, since I believe He has put a passion in me for His word and that all Christians would feast upon His word. It was a great week, but very busy. I'm tired.

And requests for my bread and cinnamon rolls have picked up. I made 12 some loaves last week, and 11 or 12 rolls this week with 4 dozen cinnamon rolls. It was a doozie of a week! I finally made out a sheet listing what I bake, which is good. I had people asking and asking for it. I so needed to get that done. I will be posting, as I get time, my recipes.

Whoops, Rhys is melting down. I'd better go help Andrew. Will continue this later!

Letting Go.

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Ok, so I'm going to talk more about 'it'. The big, pink, elephant that sits in the middle of the room that I have to walk around everyday. The elephant that I'm usually able to cover up and ignore and for the most part not know is there. But then sometimes, the cover slips off and whoops! there he is! Stinker. Thought I was done with you. Thought I got rid of you. Thought you were gone. Now here you are. What am I supposed to do with you!? Stupid elephant.
It's all the PPD crap. I don't suppose I talk about this a whole lot. I don't feel like I can. I mean, Rhys is almost 2 years old and Nadia is almost 5, I should be over this by now. I should be 'healed' and moved on. But for whatever reason I'm not. And it's hurting today, so here I am. And if you don't want to read about it, then don't, but I need to vent. And maybe, somewhere out there some woman needs to hear this. Maybe not, but this is therapy, kay?
Everyday that my son and daughter show signs of growing (which happens to be everyday lately!) I am reminded that my time in the 'baby-zone' is quickly coming to an end. Nadia is almost ready to start school. Rhys is talking more and more and initiating conversation more. He's starting to 'go' in the potty, not regularly, mind you, but still. He's using a fork and spoon and starting to nurse not as long. He's slowly becoming a big boy. Which is good, but it's also sad. I am grateful I had Rhys' baby-hood to enjoy. I am sad that I can't remember much of Nadia's.
I am so scared I messed that girl up. I was paranoid most of the time with her. I would try to force her to nurse more because I thought that if she ate more, she'd sleep better. And if her sleep was messed up, I was messed up. I could not stand to hear her cry before she 'should've'. Whatever. I now know that babies don't read the books. They don't know they are supposed to sleep such and such times. Poor girl. I read Baby-Wise. And if I ever meet the man who wrote that, I think I'll loose it. Maybe I'd just better steer clear of him.
I really do believe that the sad patterns I formed with Nadia when I was so sick with PPD have made our relationship what it is today. And behaviors in relationships are habits. It's hard to get out of them once they are established. It's easier to let a boulder roll then it is to stop it. My grief now is that all of Nadia's life has been a battle for her. I hate that. And it's not her! It's me. It was me in the beginning and it's me perpetuating those patterns. Here's what it is, before you go thinking I'm an awful parent. I did not feel a connection with Nadia at all when she was born, not the day she was born, not 3 months later, not even at 1 year. I struggled to feel those gooshy, lovey, affectionate feelings for her. And to this day, when I do feel those, they are so few and far between, that I consider them a blessing. Rhys is different, everyday I feel it for him. But I have to choose to love Nadia. I have to choose to spend time with her. I have to choose to be nice and kind to her. Grace is not a given in our relationship. This is everyday. I hate it. It is exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I do love her, I know that. I know I love her, because I want to love her, I want to care for her, I want her to grow up feeling loved. If I didn't love her I wouldn't care what she felt. But I do. And I worry that she doesn't feel loved. I work everyday on that. But I have a sneaky suspicion that it all started back when she was born and the PPD hit. Because I started to have the same feelings after Rhys was born and the PPD started in, but when I started the meds those negative feelings changed towards him.
I see myself getting farther and farther away from baby-hood and it saddens me. I can see myself wanting another baby and forgetting just how bad it was with Rhys. I know people say I could go on meds at the end of the pregnancy and be fine. Sure, I guess. But do they really know what those drugs do to babies? Short-term? What about in the long run? They don't. And what if this time the drugs aren't enough? Sure they helped this time, but it gets worse each time. What if next time I go off? I loose it? What then? Sometimes it hurts that I've made a decision because of a sickness to be done, not because I feel done. Am I really done because our family is complete? Or because this sinister demon is looming in the background everytime? I don't know. I can't really say because PPD is a big factor. I will never really know what it's like to be a normal post-pardum mother. Baby blues would be nice. I think I could handle that. This junk that I dealt with is nasty. It's craptacular as a boss of mine used to say.
I'm not saying I want more babies, I guess this is just part of the process. And you know what really irritates me? That other people are trying to get me to have more. They won't suffice with a simple, no we're done. It's like I have to lay it all out there, all the gory details, then they let me alone. But it's not their fault, they don't know, mostly because I've only told a few people close to me. So I don't blame them. But unless you've been there, you'll never understand what it's like. PPD is nasty. This helps to let go.

Just Because....

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Just because I don't post many pics...

Just because I'm so proud of today's accomplishments...

Just because I can....

Yes, that's 10 loaves of bread.  Whole wheat, Whole wheat Oatmeal, White and Raisin.  And strawberry freezer jam.  It's been a busy day. 

I'm planning on making more freezer jam tomorrow.  I only bought one box of Sure-Jell.  My grocer was having a great sale on ripe strawberries, so I bought em up.  Now I've got to do em up.  And I found out that you can mix blueberries and strawberries.  A lady from church gave me frozen blueberries from her bushes and I was trying to figure out just how to use them up, well now I know!  I'm also planning on doing up mango jam.  My kids love mangoes and it seems they are always on sale, so....  This freezer jam stuff is great!

Note: Notice the three loaves that are shorter than all the rest?  My yeast must've been bad.  I used the last of my yeast in that batch, it was the first of the day and then had to run out and buy more and those rose beautifully!  I couldn't figure it out.  So I'm hoping the SAF yeast I ordered comes tomorrow and works as well as they say it does.  The other yeast was from Sam's Club.  I guess it's no good.