Build Us Back

We've had the newest Newsboys release for some time now.  And I've listened to the whole thing over and over again, but it wasn't until today at lunch it was playing on my phone and it took me.  It seems the Lord is really speaking to me these days about this whole brokenness.  He is faithful.  I wanted to share these lyrics.  My prayer is that they give you hope in the midst of hurting, a promise of healing from deep wounds as I know and am confident the Lord is doing here.  

Build Us Back - Newsboys

We’ve been crumbled, we’ve been crushed
City walls have turned to dust
Broken hands and blistered feet
We walk for miles to find relief

When the thief takes, when our hopes cave
You build us back
You build us back
When the earth shakes, when the world breaks
You build us back
You build us back

We are scared, we are poor
All our safety nets are torn
We’ve been humbled to our knees
From these ruins, we believe

Redeemer, redeem us
Restorer, restore us
Oh build us back
Though the mountains be shaken, the hills be removed
Your unfailing love remains
After all that’s been taken, Your promise, still sacred
You build us back with precious stones

Fasting Discoveries

I realize I've only fasted two nonconsecutive days, but I've learned a few things.  Or rather, I've discovered some things about fasting in relation to the physical that completely surprised me.  I never expected:

• hiccuping
• gas
• exhaustion
• difficulty in speaking, thinking
• inability to get warm
• increased sense of smell

These are all the things I can think of now, but it's weird, all these things.  Just thought I'd put that out there.

April 12, 2011

I have recently been studying more about fasting.  And I mean fasting for the purpose of prayer.  In my research I found this passage of scripture and it really resonates with me:

Isaiah 58:3-9 (New King James Version)

³ ‘ Why have we fasted,’ they say, ‘and You have not seen?
      Why have we afflicted our souls, and You take no notice?’


      “ In fact, in the day of your fast you find pleasure,
      And exploit all your laborers.
       ⁴ Indeed you fast for strife and debate,
      And to strike with the fist of wickedness.
      You will not fast as you do this day,
      To make your voice heard on high.
       ⁵ Is it a fast that I have chosen,
      A day for a man to afflict his soul?
      Is it to bow down his head like a bulrush,
      And to spread out sackcloth and ashes?
      Would you call this a fast,
      And an acceptable day to the LORD?

Apparently there is a WRONG way to fast.  We can do many good things for all the wrong reasons.  Christ talked about this in Matthew 6, that we are to overtly pain ourselves.  Instead we are to wash our faces, make ourselves as we normally would.  Not that we can't tell others, but not to make a big deal about it.  And here we see that the Israelites too had wrong reasons for fasting.

I find it difficult to have a pure reason for fasting.  Scripture tells us that the thoughts of mans heart is only evil all the time.  That doesn't leave much room for goodness in us.

I am fasting today.  I have felt the Lord move me to fast over the brokenness in my heart.  I fasted last tuesday and will next tuesday.  Then we'll see what more He wants of me.  And I can't say that anything magical has happened.  But He is answering prayer.  He has sent me to the word and He has shown me His truth about Him.  Read the next part of the Isaiah passage:  

 ⁶ “ Is this not the fast that I have chosen:
      To loose the bonds of wickedness,
      To undo the heavy burdens,
      To let the oppressed go free,
      And that you break every yoke?
       ⁷ Is it not to share your bread with the hungry,
      And that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out;
      When you see the naked, that you cover him,
      And not hide yourself from your own flesh? 

I just read this today.  The Lord has shown me I am to pray for freedom, liberty for this broken situation.  There is a yoke, a burden, an oppression.  And I pray for liberty from this.  The Lord has shown me I cannot break this, I cannot heal this, I cannot change this on my own strength.  I am weak and unable.  So I go to Him.  And He has shown me that He breaks yokes and sets the captives free.

And then look what happens:

 ⁸ Then your light shall break forth like the morning, 

      Your healing shall spring forth speedily,
      And your righteousness shall go before you;
      The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
       ⁹ Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
      You shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’ 

And He has already said to me "here I am."

He heals.

He restores.

He liberates.

And He protects.  

April 8, 2011

It's been pretty long since I last blogged and honestly I just don't have the time, nor the heart to do it.  I'm really only doing it because I feel I should.  Once I do, however, I feel better.  This is very much cathartic for me.  

It seems the past year has been fraught with hurts.  Sorry if this sounds like a whine coming on, but hey, it's my blog.  Last year a good friend of mine stopped talking to me over a FB incident.  It wasn't something we couldn't overcome if she'd just talk to me.  I've called, written and asked for forgiveness.  Nothing.  It hurts.  

Then my grandmother, my closest and last living grandparent, died.  I miss her.  Sometimes I can think of all the things I wish I had had the time to ask her, or ask her to show me how to make.  Some of those dishes have died with her.  She was a good woman and deserves her rest.  And you know what I hate?  I hate it when someone around me dies, I love them and someone else says something like "yeah, well they were good to you, but not me."  Well, go pound sand.  I loved her and she meant a lot to me.  

Then we had the 'incident' that I talked about a month or two ago.  It still really hurts.  I am still in shock.  And because it happened a while ago my brain is telling me it didn't happen at all.  And I know that's not true.  I think my brain is trying to shut that out.  Whatever.  

Then a stupid, frustrating, completely idiotic thing has been happening off and on for years now.  Ok, so it's not all those things, but it is hurtful.  It hurts a lot.  Thankfully we seem to have turned a corner and maybe, just maybe this will start walking us out of the woods.  Oh gosh it hurts so bad.  Betrayal is the key word here.  

On the good front, because there is always a good front if you look for it, God is taking me on a journey.  And maybe some day I can tell you about it, but not now.  So for now I am writing it all down in a safe place.  And I'm scared.  I don't know where this will take me.  I do know it is taking me out of my familiar zone.  I can't call it comfort zone, because it was never comfortable.  But it is familiar.  I know it, I know how to react and I know what to expect.  This, however, is completely uncharted territory.  So we'll see.

And since that one post, a few months ago, where I whined about not loosing weight and being frustrated about dieting and counting calories and such?  Well I've lost 10lbs.  Crazy huh?  I'm not counting my calories at all.  I am still running three times a week and doing cross training those three alternate days.  I also try to do some sort of toning everyday except sunday.  It's working.  I am also drinking a ton of water and green tea.  And I am eating healthfully.  Sometimes that means have one sweet.  Because health is about the body, yes, but it is also about mind health.  I want to have a balance.  

Warning: I'm going to talk about girly stuff here guys.  

I got my first post surgery menses.  Pre-surgery I had a minimum of 7 days of bleeding, with about 6 ounces of fluid loss.  Upper limit of healthy fluid loss is 2 ounces.  I would also spot endlessly between cycles.  Post-surgery?  4 days, 1 ounce.  No spotting.  I have tons of energy.  I'm not supplementing with iron anymore and I don't have any iron in my daily.  I was taking two iron pills everyday with a multi that contained iron and still needing a nice long nap in the afternoon.  Sometimes a nap in the morning (which is difficult with a toddler running around).  Now?  I don't take naps anymore.  In fact, if I do, I can't sleep at night.  It's good.  Life has improved and I feel better.  I'm grateful.  

Pray for me May 1.  I get to preach again!  I'm super excited.  

That is all.  I do feel better.  This is it.  It's me.  It's raw.  But it's my blog and I don't care.  I'm glad I got it out.  Later gaters!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

~FOR TODAY~

Outside My Window...
The grass is brown, the garden is soggy, but the birds are chirping....spring is near!

I am thinking...
My husband is crazy, but that's one of the reasons I married him

I am thankful for...
the health of my children

From the kitchen...
for once, nothing but leftovers

I am wearing...
sweats, ratty shirt and beautiful, lovely earrings hand crafted for me from Crystal at 2bellesandabead.com


I am creating...
a 45th wedding anniversary quilt for my inlaws

I am going...
to a community lenten service tonight...hubby's preaching!

I am reading...
the Word

On my mind...
which crochet project to take on

Around the house...
laundry is done (and it's only tuesday!)

One of my favorite things...
running

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:
more running, crocheting, quilting, grocery shopping

And a picture to share:

Have a happy day!

Crocheting

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I've picked up another hobby. As if I needed another one, but I am LOVING this one!! I am crocheting now! I started last thursday and so far I've made a scarf and two headbands! I'm so much farther in my learning that I ever got with knitting. I just couldn't get it with knitting. But crocheting, well, I'm doing very well. At least I think so. Here's proof:

I made a similar headband for Nadia out of the leftover blue yarn that I used for the scarf.  Nadia is requesting a purse and a scarf like the one I made here.  I also have some other yarn for more headbands. I wear a lot of headbands to church.  So it's nice to have a variety.  I found this on one blog, but another blogger has great directions for it, as the first one was sketchy.  Here is the link for that.  

Crocheting is a nice mindless thing I can do while sitting with a sick boy, or waiting at the doc's, or in the evening when hubby wants to watch a guy flick and I have no interest other than being next to my man, or when I want to freak out and I need to put my attention somewhere else other than food, or tv, or the internet.  It's a nice new obsession.

Anger and Rage

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Ok, I have tried to start this post three times now.  I'm frustrated and really I'm afraid of who might read this post and get mad.  Well I'm tired of mincing words.

This past month has been one of the most emotionally exhausting months I've had in a long time.  I was deeply wounded and am still hurting from it, but from this incident I have learned so much.

For a long time I had anger issues.  I first discovered this about 10 years ago.  I grew up in a very angry household.  I was never beat, but I saw anger misused as rage, manipulation and isolation.  There was one incident in particular where I learned to use anger as a weapon and I won.  I won over the angry person in our house.  I discovered I had power over the most powerful person in my life, up till that point.  And I learned that I could use it to manipulate people too.  I became controlling.  Strangely enough, when I took up the rage, that person started to mellow.  The baton was passed, so to speak.  I had no idea how damaging rage can be.  For both the person recieving it and the person giving it.  Probably even moreso for the later.


More recently there was an incident of anger, not mine.  From this incident I have learned so much about my anger.  First of all, anger is not the problem.  Anger is an emotion.  It is what one does with anger that is the problem.  Yelling, screaming, throwing things, murder, beating, breaking things, hateful words, shaming words, insert your own here, are all examples of wrongful displays of anger.  In short, rage.  I had once believed, as so many do, that anger is a sin.  It is not.

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, Eph 4:26.  

Notice this doesn't say 'don't be angry, or don't get angry'.  It says 'Be angry'.  Oh wow!  Be angry, go ahead and get angry!  It's permission!  But then, the caveat 'and do not sin.'  Maybe this is old news to you, but for me this was revolutionary.  Ok, so I knew that from a while ago, but I struggled in not sinning when I was angry.  I also struggled in not having angry as my primary emotion.  And it was.

And the second 'revolutionary' lesson that I knew but didn't really know how to act on it was that anger is a secondary emotion.  The first emotion is hurt.  It usually begins with some sort of wounding and we react with anger to protect ourselves.  I know I did.  And up until recently I would get hurt, or perceive a hurt and for a moment feel hurt and then I would get angry.  And I would react.  Someone would get yelled at, manipulated or berated in some fashion.  And I'd hang on to it.  But I'd never really deal with the root of the issue.  The hurt.  The pain.  It would stay there and fester.  The pain would grow and thus so would the anger.  The bigger the pain, the wounding, the bigger the anger and the bigger the rage.

Like I said, up until recently.

You see the incident I saw sparked an old memory of the first powerful, rage-filled person in my life.  And that hurt was happening all over again.  Like I said, I was deeply wounded by what happened most recently, but that wounding just dug deeper in an existing one.  The Lord worked and for some reason I did not get angry.  Instead I did what I had failed for so long to do.  I actually felt the hurt.  And, it hurt.  It sucked.  I bawled, hard, for the incident and all the other incidents that the first angry person had done.  And I realized that anger is indeed a choice.  It was hard to not go there.  But when I took the time to be vulnerable and feel the pain, anger isn't as much of a temptation.

Up until that point I had always told people that I was an angry person.  That was a mistake.  Yes, I dealt with anger issues, maybe that was a better way to put it, but to say that I was an angry person is like saying I'm a white woman.  I can't change that I'm white or a woman.  It predisposes me to the behavior.  I don't say that anymore.  I don't need to say that anymore.  I can securely say that I am not an angry person anymore.  Anger does not control me.  I am still tempted by it, sure and I still go there, but it is smaller than me now.  Before it loomed bigger than my world.  It was my world.  Now it is a part of my world that I am working to make even smaller, perhaps eliminate.  It dictated what and who I was going to be everyday.  Now I choose it.  Or don't.  But it's a choice.

I am no longer an angry person.  Instead I realize that I have a whole heap of hurt that I've covered up for years and I'm more prone to crying than I was before, but you know what?  Once I've cried about it and gotten it out, it doesn't hurt quite as much.  Anger prohibits healing.

Granted, I am sure there are very real situations where anger is used in a good way.  I won't argue with you there, but I have no good examples, save Jesus in the temple, of well used anger.  Most of it is sinful.  Seriously.  I am one of them.

I have learned so much.  I feel like I've grown ages in the past month.  But I hurt, my bloggy friends, I hurt.  And that's ok.  Because hurt you can heal from and move on, anger lasts.  Trust me, I know.  Old anger just breeds bitterness.  I promised myself I would not become a bitter pastors wife, a bitter mom, a bitter friend.  I've seen a lot of those.

A new journey!  And a beautiful one.

Daze

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Mama said there'd be days like this.


She just didn't say there'd be so many.